Maybe Seattle's Ali and "Bachelor" will click like Mr. Pibb and Red Vines

Page Kennedy, the cellar dweller fired from "Desperate Housewives" amid rumors of inappropriate flashing, is defending himself via rap in a song titled "Trapped in the Basement (Chapter 1 of 5)."

Oh, calm down, R. Kelly, it's really called "Hold On." But I am not kidding about the lyrics:

"They weren't even exaggerations / They were complete lies / And the media seems to stick together / Like fat guys and Supersize fries."

I would suggest that he not quit his day job, but — oops, too late.

It's a bad week when you get upstaged by a "Saturday Night Live" skit. The hilarious "Lazy Sunday" rap — more commonly known as "The Chronic-WHAT?-cles of Narnia" — has already spawned a line of T-shirts (www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=5699&search%5Btext%=lazy+Sunday). I'll take a baker's dozen! And while I'm at it, let me give a shout-out to Cupcake Royale in Madrona. Crazy delicious!

Speaking of crazy, Seattle Sonics dancer Ali Dudek, 26, will appear on the new season of ABC's "The Bachelor" (premieres 10 p.m. Jan. 9, KOMO). That's not the crazy part. The crazy part is that I kind of know Ali and she will not tell me anything!!! Curses! She must have promised ABC her firstborn or something because anything less and we're not friends anymore.

In other local reality-TV news, the winner and runner-up of NBC's "The Biggest Loser" are now dating after shedding a combined 252 pounds. Runner-up Suzy Preston, a Des Moines hairdresser, says she and Iowa-based Matt Hoover connected after she cut his hair.

"Matt and I are good," said Preston, 29. "We are having a long-distance relationship. Neither of us have any plans of moving right now, we have just been getting to know each other and are in the beginning of starting a relationship."

Finally, Ryan Seacrest is apparently on track to take over the universe, having signed a reported three-year deal with E! as an anchor and red-carpet host. This is in addition to his "American Idol" (premieres 8 p.m. Jan. 17, KCPQ) duties, daily Los Angeles radio show and co-hosting gig for ABC's "New Year's Rockin' Eve." We understand you're busy, so we'll forgive you for your line of designer T-shirts. Look for The Seacrest on E!'s red carpet at the Golden Globes on Jan. 16.

Recaps!

"Christmas with

the Browns"

Bobby and Whitney, apparently confusing Christmas with Halloween, show up for dinner dressed as a train conductor and Gemini's Twin from that SNL skit, respectively. In happier news, Bobbi Kristina lost her baby fat, became a cheerleader and is presumably now in search of "The Perfect Cheer!"

"Project Runway"

Santino describes his lingerie inspiration as "Heidi Klum meets 'The Sound of Music.' " So is that why the models looked like "Doe, a deer, a female deer"? More important, how do you solve a problem like Santino's ego? (10 p.m. Wednesdays, Bravo)

"Miss Seventeen"

Jess: "My parents came to the United States from Colombia to have a better life and to provide their family a better life. My parents didn't go to high school and they worked very hard for what they have." Jen: "My father is in prison and my mother is in jail." OK Jen, you win! See you on the cover of "Seventeen."

"Gastineau Girls"

The Gastineau Girls try to get jobs. Lisa: "One thing about Brittny is, like, no one has these grand expectations. So all she has to do is, like, give four breaths, and everyone feels like she's accomplished." Cut to Lisa, lying in bed: "I'm not doing anything for anybody without getting paid. New rule. I'm gonna sit there drinking piña coladas and that's gonna be real." Hmmm, I can't imagine where Brittny gets her work ethic. (10 p.m. Tuesdays, E!)

"The Apprentice:

Martha Stewart"

Bethenny and Dawna make their final pitches to Martha. Bethenny: "I fit in because I understand you. You've inspired me for 15 years. You've been part of every business I've ever done. You're part of my home. ... I just don't think Dawna has that special thing that is indescribable. I've never heard [her] talk about Martha." Uh, if by "special thing" she means "stalker," then that's not "a good thing." Bethenny, you're fired!

"The Gauntlet 2"

Aneesa (screaming): "I lost 20 pounds and I'm hot now, so I feel like I can act any way I want." Cara: "I don't really understand Aneesa and her personality and the way she screams things and how she dresses ... She's crazy." Don't be silly, Cara, she's just hungry. What, you don't get grumpy when you don't eat? (10 p.m. Mondays, MTV)

Pamela Sitt: 206-464-2376 or psitt@seattletimes.com