You will survive: How to turn a breakup into a "breakover"

Chances are, you know someone right now who is in the midst of a bad breakup. Maybe it's you. And you want to know why you can't call him? Because you don't want to be "Ew, no" girl. Or guy.

Comedian-turned-author Greg Behrendt started telling women what they need to hear — which is not to be confused with what women want to hear; you have girlfriends for that — with the best-selling "He's Just Not That Into You" (co-written with "Sex and the City's" Liz Tuccillo).

So it turns out he's just not that into you. Now what?

According to Behrendt's new book, "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" ($19.95, Broadway Books, co-authored by his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt) it's time to go from breakup to "breakover." First rule: No contact for 60 days. They don't mess around.

"The whole point of the book is to say, 'You're not alone. We get it,' " Behrendt said in a recent phone interview. "For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing."

So if you've given someone a piece of your self-esteem and they've left with it, Greg and Amiira are here to offer some advice on getting it back.

Q: What do people do wrong when it comes to breakups?

Greg Behrendt: The biggest thing people do wrong is think they can still be friends. People want to be friends, but that's not the relationship you negotiated. I sort of believe in fate — if you're meant to be friends, you will be friends later on.

Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: We got thousands of responses [in doing research for the book], and in every single one of them, the commonality was, "I wish I had just walked away. I wish I hadn't tried to be friends." It just dragged out the pain so much longer.

Q: But what if you really, really, really want to call?

G: One of two things is going to happen when you call. He's either going to look at the phone and say, "Ooh, maybe we can have sex," or he's gonna go, "Ew, no." And you don't want somebody to go, "Ew, no. It's you."

A: It seems like this huge injustice. Emotionally, you're in a different place from the person who dumped you. By the time someone breaks up with you, they're mostly feeling relief. They've emotionally weaned themselves from you. For the person who was dumped, there's so much disbelief: "How can they just walk away from me? How come they're not going through what I'm feeling?" It's because they had a head start.

Q: What is a "breakup buddy"?

G: A breakup buddy is kind of like a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's someone you trust and you love, someone you can call and say, "Can I dump on you once or twice a day, just so I don't call them?" "Can you take her sweater back?" Because that's just an excuse to see them again.

A: It's someone to remind you that it's not all great, and it wasn't a match, and let's get you through this.

Q: Is there such a thing as breakup sex?

G: There's breakup sex. There's rarely get-back-together sex.

A: And now you've downgraded yourself from boyfriend or girlfriend to booty call.

G: We warn against it [breakup sex]. We're not against sex! We're totally pro-sex, for the record.

Q: The post-breakup drastic haircut: Good idea or no?

A: It depends. I did it when I broke up with my first husband for the umpteenth time ... I went downtown on my lunch break. I had long hair and I chopped my hair off, and I painted my wall and changed my furniture around. Every time I walked into the apartment and every time I looked in the mirror, I'd say, "I'm different now." It reminded me that this is the new and improved, smarter me, and I'm not calling him. It worked for me.

Q: What if you really just can't get over it? And by the way, why? Why why why?

G: "Why" is a question you can't answer. Some things just are. It really is unfair, in a way, but know that when someone stops liking you, it's not something you can help.

A: It's not something you did wrong.

G: You've been so defined by your relationship, but what about all the other great stuff in your life? If you're like, "What other great stuff?" — well, then, you better get some great stuff.

Pamela Sitt: 206-464-2376 or psitt@seattletimes.com