Ready. Aim. Slime 'Em. -- Pull On Your Splatwear And Grab A Paintball Pistol For One Slick Game Of Shoot'em-Up

I sit behind an old stump, the sound of tiny circular paint pellets whizzing by my head.

I take a breath, rise up and get off a few rounds at the guy behind a tree who just sent the last volley.

Suddenly, my paint gun, energized by a CO2 tank in the stock, coughs "KHHH-KHHH-KHH." My gun jams, but I don't have time to fix it because that guy knows what that sound means, and he's running at my defenseless position.

I'm done for. I'd cuss but I can't.

That's because cussing is against the rules in paintball. It's one of the things that surprises me about the sport. Driving up to the playing field, just off Interstate 5 in Federal Way, I would have wagered there weren't any rules at all.

Everyone is geared up in camouflage and Army boots and big, motocross-style masks. I'm wearing the blue and white sweats I wore to paint the baby's room.

I begin to think about militias in Montana and wonder whether they just started out as a weekly game of flag football. However, I'm about to find that many of my preconceptions about the game will be proved wrong.

Paintball, so the legend goes, was started about 20 years ago by employees of Weyerhaeuser or the Forest Service (depending on whom you talk to) who developed the paint guns (now commonly called "PGPs," for paintball game pistols) as a cheap and effective way of marking trees for harvest.

It wasn't long before an errant shot or two escalated into a quick way to blow off some steam. And when the PGPs came back out of the woods, the game came with them. Good manners, common sense

Perhaps most surprising is that paintball is not only a "gentleman's game," with distinct rules of conduct and courtesy, but a game that stresses common sense.

"The No. 1 rule is goggle safety," says Dave Pierce, the affable head referee and field representative of Splat Attack! Paintball Games and Supplies.

"You have to keep your goggles on in the field at all times, and only paintball-regulated goggles are allowed. We also have a no profanity rule."

"What?" I ask, "No, screams of vengeance peppered with obscene gerunds?"

"Sorry," says Pierce, "we've got kids and families out here." It's my first inkling that I may have been overhasty in my judgments.

At Splat Attack, kids must be at least 12 years old to play, though different fields have different regulations. And contrary to stereotype, a lot of women play paintball, too. Often they come with a corporate group renting the field for a day of team-building, and many are unprepared for just how good they are at it.

"The guns shoot the same for everyone," says Splat Attack's owner, Rick Walters, "and so women are often surprised at how well they do."

In addition to the no-profanity rule, other strictures of the sport include keeping a barrel plug in your gun in the parking lot (basically a neutral zone) and no littering, alcohol, narcotics or firearms are allowed. There's also no shooting of indigenous wildlife.

That's a good thing because the pellets really zip and can sting on contact. They travel at speeds of about 250-to-300 feet per second (a standard pistol ejects a bullet at around 1,100-to-1,500) and the speed is fast enough to make the capsule burst.

Once hit, a player must own up to the fact, yell "HIT," and walk off the field. The capsules must break for the shot to count as a "hit."

"If you're not sure if you've been hit, I need to make the call, so yell, `PAINT CHECK!,' " Pierce shouts suddenly, giving a very loud example. He smiles, "Most of this job just entails yelling."

At Splat Attack, a $30 (daily) rental (prices vary from place to place) gets you your gun, mask, 100 rounds of pellets, use of the field and participation in the numerous games of that day.

The field Splat Attack uses now is slated for development, so Walters is moving onward and upward. If things go smoothly, his new 50-acre playing field, just south of Enchanted Park, will be open by June.

Most of the 15-minute skirmishes Pierce refs are based upon some variation of "Capture the Flag." Two evenly matched teams, usually with 20 to 30 players on each, are set at opposite ends of about three acres with the goal of grabbing the opponent's flag.

Pelted with pig fat

The pellet hopper holds about 600 rounds and I wonder about the environmental ethics of pelting a wooded area with paint.

"By the way," says Pierce, anticipating me, "it's not paint in the capsule, it's pig fat and food coloring. It washes off easily and tastes terrible. The capsules are made of the same stuff the pharmaceutical companies use for medicine."

The paint guns run in two types, the original PGPs, or pumps, and the newer, higher volume semiautomatics. The semiautomatics are still controversial because of the "accuracy through volume" phenomenon of players who spray the air instead of using tactics and maneuvers to win.

Tactical maneuvers are the specialty of Stan Bowen, a business owner, decorated Vietnam vet, and former national champion of the sport.

"There are no Rambos in this sport," says Bowen, who was on the state's first National Paintball Players League (NPPL) pro team, the Washington Rain. Though the NPPL is more of a rule board than a thriving organization, its existence (and the national paintball gross revenues of more than a billion dollars) are more concrete examples of the growing popularity of the sport.

"It's a team sport and if you try to play as an individual you get annihilated," Bowen says.

It's abundantly clear how good he is. In a game where I had walked off the field after emptying my hopper of ammunition, Stan had rallied two younger kids, hiding behind logs, and captured our flag without a single casualty. Little did anyone know that his gun had jammed at the outset and he'd done it all without being able to fire a shot.

Bowen's seen the rise of popularity in the sport and been to California, Florida and numerous other areas where paintball is growing. "It's a great stress reliever and everybody plays on an equal level," he says. "It's just a sport everyone can do."

Everyone includes reporters badly camouflaged in blue and white.

So, in the end, the most surprising thing about the sport is that a game that leaves you so splattered with colored pig fat could be such good, clean fun. ------------------------------- If you go:

Most paintball fields are open weekends, though you can make weekday arrangements for private parties or functions. You can join a team as a walk-on player or bring your own group. Hours, prices and other details vary, so call ahead for specific information (business addresses are listed here; fields are usually at nearby locations):

Bill and Jim's Excellent Adventure Indoor field open 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. Monday through Friday, noon to midnight Saturday and Sunday. 13425 S.E. 30th St., Bellevue; 425-643-7785 or 800-244-5562.

KC's Paintball Sports Outdoor field open noon to 6 p.m. Monday through Friday and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. Located in Sumner; call for specific directions and information: 253-833-1825.

Paintball Fever Games Seventeen-acre outdoor field near Sultan. Call for specific directions and information: 425-483-2900.

Paintball Playground Outdoor field open 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday and Sunday and weekdays by reservation for groups of 10 or more. 17307 N.E. Woodinville-Duvall Road, Woodinville; 425-483-6611.

Splat Attack! Paintball Games and Supplies Outdoor field open 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday and Sunday. 23809 104th Ave. S.E., Kent; 253-852-7105.