Armadillo Barbecue: Not Wimpy In Woodinville

Restaurant review / Woodinville

XX Armadillo Barbecue, 13109 N.E. 175th St., Woodinville. ($) Lunch ($3-$6.95) 10 a.m.-5 p.m. daily. Dinner ($4-$12.95) 5 p.m.-10 p.m. daily. Smoking section. Major credit cards. (425) 481-1417. Wheelchair access.

If hell were a barbecue joint, it would look like Armadillo: cinder blocks and cracked, bare floors, scarred banquettes, taxidermied bear head, a jug of pig snouts on the counter and carved masks sure to make the little folk howl. Let's just say that for many of you, takeout might be a better option. But then you'd be missing most of the fun at "222 Pork Avenue" (brothers Bob and Bruce Gill's home of Texas-style 'que).

I'd go to hell and back for a slab of 'dillo pork ribs, a joint of smoky chicken, and a chance to have my waiter survey his station, make sure all's well with our world, look me straight in the eye and say, "I'm going out for a smoke, call me if you need anything." He was not, I might add, headed out to the wood-smoking barrel drum of barbecue that was fired-up in the parking lot, hitched to a pickup, and on its way to one of Armadillo's many madcap catered events. Nope. He was going out for a cig, bless his congested little heart.

It was hot as the blazes the night I considered taking a seat near the action at the counter in front of the huge smoker-ovens. Changed my mind and headed to the back for a spacious table next to a pair of open doors. Given the sweat quotient, I forwent the Gill brothers' "Killer Hot Sauce" which is, states the menu, "concocted by a group of perverts in Texas, bent on destroyin' armadillos and not for wimps." Saved myself two bits in the process, opting instead to slather my bones with the dark, molasses-y, orange-spiked concoction served with just about everything.

Dare I say that I ate like a pig? And ate well? And that I was more than thankful for the very cold beer, the toothbrush chained to the sink in the restroom (gainfully employed to remove the barbecue gunk from under my fingernails), and the chance to see for myself that Armadillo is definitely not for wimps.

ITEMIZED BILL (DINNER FOR TWO)

FAMILY FEAST: $9.95 SNAKE PLATE: $4 BEEF SANDWICH: $4.50 2 MOOSEHEAD PINTS: $6.54

TAX: $2.27 TOTAL: $27.26

FAMILY FEAST: Who needs a family? They'll serve this combo to anyone (kids pay halfsies). Starts with a tossed salad, ends with a moistened towelette. In between are pork ribs (a trio, small-but-meaty, wanted more), a single beef prime rib (menu says "prison quality meat really keeps you chewin' " and, they're not kidding), half a bird (smoky pink, bronzed skin, excell-ENT) slaw and potato salad.

SNAKE PLATE: "Three bucks worth 'o stuff" (perfect for dainty eaters, or vegetarians who can pawn off the lonely pork rib to meat-eating pals in exchange for, say, more of the mustardy potato salad or some of that celery-seed subsidized red-and-purple slaw). Dense corn muffins needed the whipped butter.

BEEF SANDWICH: Wistfully dreamed of Pecos Pit BBQ's death-defying beef brisket on an onion-spiked bun while lighting into this far-more-delicate sliced sirloin on a fab Kaiser roll. Mayo inside, barbecue sauce on the side.

MOOSEHEAD PINT: Could have had a Jolt Cola, a Blue Bubble Gum soda, or all-you-can-drink Dr. Pepper. Didn't.