Emotion Pours Out For A Fallen Idol -- Weeping, Cursing, Raging: Widow, Fans Mourn Cobain In Vigil At Seattle Center

His music spoke for alienated youths, and yesterday, they spoke for him.

Actually, they swore for him. They yelled profane chants, burned their flannel shirts, faced off with cops and staged a sit-in so raucous and fierce that it would have made Kurt Cobain proud.

What began with a minister's moment of silence and tearful eulogies exploded into a showdown of teen-age angst and rebellion.

About 7,000 people gathered at the Seattle Center Flag Pavilion Plaza to pay tribute to the 27-year-old singer of Nirvana, whose body was found Friday morning after he apparently shot himself.

The city underwrote half of the event, which cost $10,000 and was organized by radio stations KNDD, KISW and KXRX.

In a tape played at the vigil, Cobain's wife, Courtney Love, read parts of Cobain's suicide note as well as her own message.

Love, who was on tour with her band, canceled a London concert and returned to Seattle Saturday.

"I don't know what I could have done," she told mourners, her voice cracking. "I wish I'd been here. I wish I had listened to other people, but I didn't."

"Every night, I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the morning, and I think it's (Cobain), because their bodies are sort of the same," she said.

She read from the note:

"The fact is, I can't fool you, any of you. It simply isn't fair to you or to me. The worst crime I can think of would be to put people off by faking it and pretending as if I was having 100 percent fun."

Love then said angrily, "No, Kurt, the worst crime I can think of is for you to continue being a rock star when you just . . . hated it."

Throughout the note, she swore at Cobain. At one point she called him an obscenity and told the crowd to repeat it. The crowd shouted it back, matching her anger.

Nirvana bass player Krist Novoselic read a statement on behalf of the band: "We remember Kurt for what he was: Caring, generous and sweet . . .. Kurt had an ethic toward his fans, which was rooted in a punk rock way of thinking: No band is special, no player royalty. If you've got a guitar and a lot of soul, just bang something out and mean it. You're the superstar."

Underneath the nose rings, the blue hair and the Doc Martens that have been used to label this generation's alienation, it was more a spiritual camaraderie that tied the group.

A stream of strangers relit Colleen Goulet's candle when gusts of wind blew it out; hundreds rallied around 15-year-old Jesse Lortz when he refused to move from the International Fountain, protesting Seattle Police orders. In a defiant rush, a group captured the hill of spigots, which had been turned off.

When the fountain was turned back on, many remained. They chanted Cobain's name, flashed profane gestures, shouted curses and sang Nirvana's songs.

"Kurt died for your sins," yelled one person, echoing the stature Cobain had for many.

Balancing a bouquet, a sign and a green candle with "Kurt is immortal" painted on the side, Erin Kladouris turned over her left forearm. The letters "K-U-R-T" had scabbed over from where she etched the name with a razor blade the day before. "It's better than killing myself," said the 15-year-old from Kent.

Cobain's lyrics of alienation reached outsiders like Jennifer Hafner, a 16-year-old from Capitol Hill, who dropped out of high school a year ago.

"He was one of the few people that me and my friends could connect to," she said. "He just let us see that there was someone who could make something out of his life and not be just like everyone else."

Shrines were set up throughout the Seattle Center grounds. The base of a flagpole was covered with candles, bleeding wax onto the ground in black and white and red. Flowers, poems and quotes from Cobain's songs were taped to the pole.

One picture of Cobain included a message from a fan saying, "Kurt, your music is there for me when I feel alone. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you were alone. Rest in peace."

------------------------------ EXCERPTS FROM THE SUICIDE NOTE ------------------------------

Read by wife Courtney Love on a tape played at yesterday's vigil:

"I haven't felt excitement in listening to as well as creating music . . . for too many years now.

"The fact is, I can't fool you, any of you. It simply isn't fair to you or to me. The worst crime I can think of would be to put people off by faking it and pretending as if I was having 100 percent fun.

"Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything . . . to appreciate it, and I do. God, believe me, I do. But it's not enough. I appreciate the fact that I - we - have affected and entertained a lot of people.

"I must be one of those narcissists who only enjoy things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive. Oh, I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child.

"On our last three tours, I had a lot much better appreciation of all the people I've known personally and of fans of our music. But I still can't get out the frustration, the guilt and the empathy I have for everybody.

". . . I simply love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too . . . sad. Too sad, a little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus, man.

"And I had it good, very good. I'm grateful. But since the age of 7, I've become hateful toward all humans in general . . . only because I love and feel for people too much, I guess.

"I thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the last years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody person that I don't have the passion any more. So remember, it's better to burn out than fade away."