Batteries Are Not Included In This Nation-Building Kit

CONGRATULATIONS on your decision to use the Acme Nation-Building Kit, the choice of multilateral organizations and peacekeeping forces around the world. The Acme Nation-Building Kit, used by outsiders to turn weak, dangerous and despotic countries into strong, peaceful democracies, has recently been used in Lebanon, the Philippines, Panama, Haiti and Somalia.

This kit comes with no guarantee.

The kit also does not include peacekeeping troops, humanitarian supplies or official statements responding to horrifying TV pictures. These must be obtained separately, either from the United Nations (United Nations Plaza, New York, N.Y. 10017) or the United States government (1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C. 20500).

Several suppliers previously active in the industry, including the British Empire, the Soviet Union, the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization and the League of Nations, no longer return telephone inquiries. They are thought to have gone out of business, or at least out of this business.

The Acme Nation-Building Kit Co. has no ties to either of the remaining organizations and does not vouch for the goods they supply. But nation building is a lot like mountain building; you can redo the landscape, but you'd better start with lots of material.

To begin your nation-building effort, spread all elements out in front of you - an overhead view from a bomber squadron is helpful in reassuring you about the outlook - and carry out the following directions. The steps may be repeated until successful, or until your own government falls - whichever comes first.

1. Remove current dictator (D) from presidential palace (PP); carefully place on Riviera. Do not discard; you may need this element again later.

2. Try to locate National Treasury (NT). Examine secret rooms in palace, dictator's in-laws' houses, Switzerland.

3. Assemble, from whatever material is locally available, a national council or parliament, to be known in future as Legitimate Government (LG). As in all model assembly, do not inhale while gluing pieces together; hallucinations may result.

4. Thoroughly apply naval blockade (NB) to nation being built. Since few such nations have navies of their own, this is a simple step, and warships steaming in battle order make excellent television footage.

5. In a new step recently added to our kit - constantly updated and remodeled to serve the needs of our users - hook up emergency power generator (G) to meet requirements of visiting television anchors. (The Acme Nation-building Kit Co. has been in this business since anchors were what nation builders dropped, instead of what they worshiped, but that's a different point.) Your entire nation-building process can be hurt if TV cameramen can't film the enthusiastic local response to the landing of peacekeeping forces (F).

6. Firmly take in hand rebellious province (P). Do not be hampered by lack of specific knowledge about rebellious province (P), although you should be careful not to accidentally take in hand friendly next-door province (NDP).

7. Follow same instructions with warlord (W). Make it clear that warlord (W) is the main block to nation building, and a threat to your own national security.

8. Carefully craft public statement regretting casualties involved in nation-building process. To provide ideas, the Acme Nation-building Kit includes several fax-ready recent examples; if hurried, simply cross out "Beirut" or "Mogadishu" and insert name of current capital.

9. Delicately remove Embattled Minority (M) from Bloody Situation (S).

10. Alternately, insert peacekeeping forces (F) in between Embattled Minority (M) and Bloody Situation (S).

11. Repeat Step 8.

12. Notice that, somehow, the inhabitants of nation being built all seem to hate you, including members of Embattled Minority (M). Do not be alarmed; this situation is occasionally temporary.

13. Assemble new ballot boxes, and insert votes for new National Assembly (NA). Mix in Outside Observers (OO) to verify that votes went into boxes.

Style of democracy may be selected by the nation builder. The British liked to include wigs and long robes. The Americans prefer Washington political advisers and pollsters, and sometimes consultants from the University of California.

Success rates for each are similar.

(Note: Occasionally, due to nation builders' missing a step or unexpected developments, you may have to interrupt the process and use Acme Air and Naval Bombardment Kit. Again, equipment must be obtained separately.)

It is possible that at the end of this nation-building process, you will have several pieces left over. Do not worry about this.

After a brief period, you can plan on doing it all over again.

(Copyright, 1993, Newhouse News Service)

David Sarasohn is an associate editor for The Oregonian of Portland, Ore.