CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Judge Thomas, these past few days have been very, very hard for all of us - especially my good friend and colleague Senator Kennedy, because it is not easy for a man to sit through three full days of hearings with a paper bag over his head - but before we let you go, there is just one more point I want to make, and it is a very, very important point, and I fully intend to make it if I ever get to the end of this sentence, which as you know and I know, Judge, is highly unlikely to occur during the current fiscal year, so . . .
SENATOR HATCH: I want to say that I am disgusted. These are disgusting things that we have been talking about here, and I personally am disgusted by them. Pubic hair! Big organs! Disgusting. And yet we must talk about them. We must get to the bottom of this, no matter how disgusted we are, and believe me I am. We must talk about these matters, the pubic hair and the big organs, huge organs, because it just makes us sick, to think that these kinds of matters would come up - I refer here to the organs, and the hairs - that we here in the United States Senate would find ourselves delving deeply into these matters, to be frank, totally disgusts me, both aspects of it, the hair aspect and the organ ...
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Thank you.
SENATOR HEFLIN: Judge Thomas, (30-second pause) I certainly appreciate (45-second pause) the fact (20-second pause) that (3-minute, 20-second pause) my time is up.
SENATOR THURMOND: Soamwhoan ben cudrin' mheah widm tan' bfust drang.
TRANSLATOR: He says, "Somebody has colored my hair with what appears to be Tang breakfast drink."
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Thank you. May I just add that the top of my own personal head appears to be an unsuccessful attempt to grow okra. But, Judge, as soon as I make this one final point, we're going to let you go, because this has been very, very painful, and believe me I know what pain is, because at one time in my career I was the son of a Welsh coal miner, and let me just say, Judge, that when I do make this point, whatever it is, it will be something that I believe in very, very deeply, because I am the chairman, and I can talk as long as I want, using an infinite number of dependent clauses, and nobody can stop me.
SENATOR HATCH: How big an organ? How many pubic hairs? These are the issues that we need to probe deeply into, no matter how much they disgust us! And believe me, nobody is more disgusted than I am! I am revolted that we are thinking about these disgusting things, day and night! Tossing and turning, trying to sleep, writhing and moaning and . . .
SENATOR KENNEDY (from under his bag): Are the cameras still here?
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Judge, we know you're tired, and we're going to let you go in just a moment here, just as soon as I make this one point . . .
SENATOR THURMOND: Deah wheah etn lonsh yep?
TRANSLATOR: He says, "Did we eat lunch yet?"
This is a bonus column from Dave Barry, whose analyses of current events appear Monday on this page.