If Shannen Doherty heads your way, you've been dumped

A friend of mine once broke up with a guy via text message. I was right there next to her, coaching her on what to say. It was St. Patrick's Day, and we were sitting in a booth at Queen City Grill with some dudes wearing kilts. There was drinking, and some passing around of the cellphone, and while it may be tacky to end a relationship that way, the entertainment value was high. The only way this story would be funnier is if Shannen Doherty were somehow involved.

Which brings me to "Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty," premiering at 10 tonight on Oxygen with surely at least as much potential as E!'s boozy "Taradise," based on the infamy of its titular star alone. Of course, all that was required of Tara Reid on her short-lived series was that she get drunk and act like a floozy in a bunch of different countries (and isn't that what she does best?). Doherty, on the other hand, fancies herself a Dr. Phil-type who inserts herself into other people's business and then ambushes them in the manner of Ashton Kutcher. Yeah, that's right, you just got Punk'd by Shannen Doherty. Ouch. In tonight's premiere episode, a woman breaks up with her boyfriend after dinner via a video message delivered on a silver platter — his "just desserts," if you will — by Ms. Doherty. (See, now the Queen City Grill incident isn't sounding quite so bad, is it?) The man is enough of a cad to promptly begin hitting on an obviously repulsed Doherty, telling her: "You're a lot hotter in person than you are on TV." Sweet.

Meantime, the new CW network has announced the 13 contestants for the seventh cycle of "America's Next Top Model," and as far as I can tell, none of them are token fat or token Asian. However, two of them are identical twins — sadly, not the bickering blond ones from MTV's "8th & Ocean." Tyra and her girls — and by "girls," you know I mean Mr. and Miss Jay — officially launch The CW network Sept. 20 with a two-hour premiere of "America's Next Top Model."

In the Seattle area, The CW will air on KSTW (channel 11), now known as "The CW 11." The new network merges the former WB and UPN and has a signature color (green) and slogan ("Free To Be"). Speaking of which, local model wannabes are Free To Be Fierce at an open call Aug. 30 at the downtown Nordstrom store, where casting directors will be seeking candidates for the show's next season, which starts filming in October. Eligible candidates must be ages 18 to 27 and at least 5-feet-7 inches tall. Because apparently, despite its home on The CW, top models are not Free To Be Short or Old.

Recaps!

"Project Runway"

The designers must make an outfit using garbage — OK, recyclable materials — from New Jersey. Laura starts turning into Mean Mommy. I really don't believe this is a coincidence. As much as I love Tim Gunn, I don't want anyone waking me at 5 a.m. to drive me to Newark. The judges inexplicably vote out Alison over Vincent, whose dress is basically a piece of white butcher paper with random crap glued all over it. Laura: "The guy is completely wack." Next week: Laura raps. (10 p.m. Wednesdays, Bravo)

"Laguna Beach:

The Real Orange County"

Jessica goes on a dinner date with Cameron and reads his text messages, including one from Kyndra. Jessica: "Guys just suck. They all lie and, like, connive." She then goes on to say, "That's what I love about these high school boys. I get older, they stay the same age." On a serious note, did Jessica get voted "Most Likely To Become A Cougar in 20 Years"? (10 p.m. Wednesdays, MTV)

"Big Brother: All Stars"

Is it just me, or would Dr. Will and Boogie be perfect to star in the straight-to-DVD sequel to "Wedding Crashers"? Chill Town rules. Note: "Big Brother" airs at a special time tonight at 9 p.m. (Regularly 8 p.m. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays, KIRO)

"The Real World:

Key West"

On their last night in Key West, an insomniac Paula cuts up her green blanket and glues pieces of it onto poems for her roommates to remember her by. This would have been a touching moment for the season finale, except the only thing I could think was, "Who's a bigger mess, Paula from Real World or Paula Abdul?" I really can't decide.

"The Girls Next Door"

Hef and the girls travel to San Diego on the Playboy train to visit Kendra's mom and brother. Kendra's mom: "If Hef would increase the age of his girlfriends, I would be up there in a heartbeat. I keep waiting for the phone call — 'Hey, Kendra's out, you're in.' " This is why Hef should not be allowed to leave the Mansion. That, and the awkward moment when he met Kendra's grandfather, and they were about the same age. (9 p.m. Sundays, E!)

Pamela Sitt: 206-464-2376 or psitt@seattletimes.com