"Grouchy Chef": Behave properly, or no soup for you!

I've met plenty of grouchy chefs in my day, but few are willing to own up to it, let alone advertise the fact. Then I met Takayuki Masumoto, though I didn't exactly introduce myself. Had the Grouchy Chef known what I did for a living, I'm certain he'd have chased me out the door with a 10-inch chef's knife.

You'd never confuse the Grouchy Chef with the Good Humor man, though he does make a fabulous mocha ice cream here in a strip mall off the Mukilteo Speedway. That creamy coffee-laced concoction ($2.50) is served in a chilled martini glass, as is his elegant mango-lime sorbet ($2.25). That's the closest you'll come to a martini here, though. The beverage list runs the gamut from Dr. Pepper to Mountain Dew. These and other self-serve sodas are included with your entree, as is a cup of soup if you've come for dinner.

A meal at Grouchy's will cost, on average, less than 10 bucks a head. And that's why you should be willing to put up with his mood: He's a terrific, creative cook, and he's giving the goods away.

Masumoto serves a very brief bistro-styled menu starring beef, chicken, salmon and daily specials (don't miss those): a real surprise in this no-frills setting that looks, on first inspection, exactly like a teriyaki joint. Not that you'd ever want to suggest that to him. Do so, and he might fix you with a gaze described by one regular customer as "so acidic, he could bring a Broadway musical finale to a halt with a single glare." No lie.

I recently made the mistake of approaching his open kitchen to ask for more of his outstanding whole-grain mustard. That homemade condiment is served with a generous portion of house-smoked pork and herbed sausage patties (special, $7.80). He gave it to me, grudgingly, and if ever there was a moment when I felt like Oliver Twist at the mercy of Mr. Bumble, you just read about it.

While this guy makes the Iron Chef look lighthearted, you've got to hand it to him. He's proud enough of his social defect to design his logo around it (tall toque, big frown), put his crotchety motto on his business card ("What you see is what you get!") and trumpet the grouch factor on bold red signage ("Grouchy Chef, Eat In or Take Out"). But lest you think he's the Shogun of Schtick, think again: Masumoto means business, and he's quick to point out that he doesn't need yours.

There's a secret to enjoying a meal here, and that secret is explained in simple terms: Don't and No. The barrage of negativity begins before you set foot in this self-service 20-seat cafe where patrons eat quickly, speak quietly and prefer takeout.

Pull up in front of the storefront and you'll find handwritten signs plastered on the door. "Restrooms are for customers only (potential customers are not included!)." "No Frills! No Substitutions! No Outside Food! No Outside Beverages!"

Step inside and you'll find the Grouchster at work, usually alone, occasionally with counter help. You're meant to scan the menu, order up front and pay in advance. "What if we want dessert?" I whined. "Pay later!" he scolded.

Got kids? Go next door to Subway. Your kids might love a slice of Grouchy's double-chocolate mousse torte, but they'll find his spicy, garlicky penne arrabbiata overwhelming, and if they run around the room wailing about it, you, my friend, will know what it feels like to shrivel.

So, forewarned is forearmed. Carefully read the notes posted by the register and on the rear wall: "If you don't like my style, please leave NOW. It's better for both you and myself." "I am temperamental, a SERIOUS Japanese and PROUD COOK but not a CLOWN." "If you find the food and soup I made is not good enough for you, please tell me so. I'll give you the money back, and please go somewhere else and ask someone else to make the food for you!"

But where else could you go for lunch and get pan-seared halibut cheeks in a rich, tomato sauce, a side of outrageously good roasted-garlic mashed potatoes plus a full-sized salad tossed with fresh orange segments and a tarragon dressing for $8.99 — Diet Pepsi included?

What other dinner venue offers a tenderly fried cutlet of pork jaegerschnitzel, smothered with an earthy mushroom sauce and crusty little nubbins of buttery spaetzle? (Yeah, yeah, I know: Szmania's. But not for $8.99 — including a cup of borscht that was better than my Russian bubbie's.)

And, oy, that New York-style cheesecake ($3)? Who knew a Japanese guy in Mukilteo could show us how to do it? For that I'll forgive him for being overzealous in his use of the herb that lends its overly acrid essence to grilled rosemary chicken ($6.99 lunch/$7.99 dinner). I'll also forgive him for serving Caesar salad (free with the $5.99 penne!) with its superb anchovy-heavy dressing stuffed into a plastic condiment cup.

But then with food this good, at these prices, why be grouchy?

Nancy Leson: 206-464-8838 or taste@seattletimes.com. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/nancyleson.