Only in Las Vegas: grape goddesses, blackjack tables — at the pool

Ouch. Oof. Ouch. Agh. Ouch. Ouch. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

That's roughly the sounds I make as my flat feet slap across the sun-scorched concrete rimming a Las Vegas resort swimming pool.

Sin City's civic boosters like to repeat what amounts to Las Vegas' official summer mantra: "It's a dry heat. It's a dry heat."

Here's a brain bulletin for you: It's heat. Serious heat. Open-the-door-to-the-blast-furnace heat.

The average temperature tops 100 beginning in June and stays there for three months. Vegas hit a record 117 degrees one July day in 1942.

You'd think that anyone with an ounce of sense wouldn't be going anywhere near the Nevada desert from Memorial Day to Labor Day. But millions do. Me, too.

Drawn to Las Vegas by affection for my resident aunt and affliction for the craps tables, I've arrived sweat-soaked in many a hotel lobby.

That's when my list of necessary amenities gets very, very short.

Forget the headline acts, the piled-high buffets, acres of slot machines, celebrity chefs and 50th-floor views.

Just point me to the pool. It'd better be big. It'd better be cold. It'd better be fun.

Over the decades, I've sloshed my way across dozens of swimming pools, from the now-defunct Glass Pool Inn to the long-gone Desert Inn to the big and still-bustling plunge at the Stardust.

Just about any of the major resort hotels is going to have an acceptable to excellent pool area. But drawing on my aquatic exploration, here is my highly arbitrary, totally indefensible, very personal list of my five favorite artificial oases in Las Vegas:

Favorite water-park-style pool:

Mandalay Bay

The golden-hued high-rise on the west end of the Strip has the most unusual pools in Las Vegas.

A meandering quarter-mile-long river pool can be navigated either on your back or by renting (at a usurious $20 per day) a flotation device. It can be a bit of a nightmare keeping track of the kids, but a few laps around the river is one of the most fun pool experiences in town.

The main attraction is the nearby "beach," with its sandy lounging area and oceanic, wave-generating pool. Having swum in wave pools from Japan to South Africa, I have to say the wave size and frequency at Mandalay Bay leave something to be desired. Bigger and faster, please.

In keeping with Vegas' promoting itself once again as a naughty adult destination, Mandalay has added the Moorea Beach Club, an adults-only pool area, where women can go topless, shielded from the general public.

If you have kids in tow, head instead to the Shark Reef aquarium in the hotel. The admission price is a wallet-paining $15.95 for adults ($9.95 for children), but it's worth it to see the killers swimming all around you as you walk through a clear tube. The psychedelic-colored jellyfish exhibit is fun, and no parent will get out of the gift shop with his or her credit card unscathed.

Favorite party pool:

Hard Rock Hotel

On a side street away from the bumper-to-bumper traffic of Las Vegas Boulevard, the big, shimmering neon-ringed guitar outside points the way to the Hard Rock Hotel, home of the best pool party in town.

The Palms' "Skin Lounge Pool Party" has all the buzz these days, especially since Britney Spears had her wink-and-you-miss-it marriage and honeymoon at the other trendy off-Strip hotel.

I'll take the less pretentious scene at the Hard Rock. I'm usually not a big fan of the music-themed chain. In most locales, the Hard Rock is a parody of itself, with its burgers-and-blues formula seeming like a rock 'n' roll version of Starbucks. Does anyone really need a Hard Rock Cafe in Jerusalem?

But in the world of Las Vegas, where everything is a fake, the Hard Rock fits in just fine. One of the reasons I like the Hard Rock is its moderate scale. You feel a bit more like you're at a house party than at one of the massive resorts with their thousand-room high-rises.

Same with the pool. At first look, there's nothing spectacular here — just a lagoon-like swimming spot amid a modest 4.7-acre pool area. But it's the feel of the place — laid-back, with a fun-loving crowd — that transforms the ordinary into something special. This is not a great pool for the kids — it's basically a hangout for the 21-and-older crowd, especially baby boomers drawn by the 1960s through '80s tunes that dominate the music mix.

The one special quirk is in keeping with the Hard Rock's overall theme: Rock music is pumped underwater through special speakers built into the pool walls. The big pool party of the week — featuring alcohol-spiked fruit and poolside massages — is noon to 9 p.m. Sundays.

Favorite lap-of-luxury pool:

Bellagio

The highest of the high-end resorts all have great pools. The Mirage set a new standard for Strip hotels when it opened in 1989, and its deluxe pool is part of the template followed by all luxury properties. The Monte Carlo, too, has a great pool.

And Caesars Palace has a 4.5-acre Garden of the Gods complex, with three pools arrayed around a column-studded Roman courtyard: It's wonderful to look at, if a bit daunting (seems like everyone is there to sit around the pool rather than to actually go in it).

Caesars also has what may be the best poolside amenity — the Grape Goddesses, young women who walk about on selected summer days with chilled grapes to plop into your mouth. Caesars also played the racy card before Mandalay, opening the secluded Venus Pool topless section away from the prying eyes of the kiddies.

If my wallet were significantly fatter than it is, I would opt for Bellagio as my base of choice.

From the minute that Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" plays when you log onto the hotel's Web page, you know this isn't a place where you're likely to get in a Super Soaker fight at the pool.

The lush courtyard looks like a supersized version of an Italian villa, except the hum of cicadas has been replaced by the chirping of cellphones.

Sweet-smelling jasmine trees flank the gurgling fountains arrayed around the six pools. Murmured conversations and leisurely wading exemplify the quiet, relaxed and restrained atmosphere.

Half of me wanted to revel in the splendor and order a split of champagne. The other half wanted to rebel and jump into the pool, screaming "CANNONBALL!"

Be warned that Bellagio is, by design, the least kid-friendly hotel in Las Vegas. With a few exceptions, you have to be at least 18 to be in the hotel's public places, including the pools.

Favorite laid-back pool experience:

Tropicana

I had to find a way to work in the venerable Tropicana on this list, so I came up with this category. Many hotels — Caesars and Mandalay Bay come to mind — have great pools but leave so much area unshaded from the blistering heat. It's uncomfortable to walk, much less sit, unless you pay for the luxury of a cabana with a daily price tag often surpassing what you're paying for your room.

The Tropicana's Poolside Garden Oasis lives up to its name. It's a five-acre swath of lush, green grounds, with hundreds of swaying palm trees providing plenty of cool spots to hide from the heat.

The 12,000-square-foot main pool is the center of the action, with a 16-foot waterfall, a swim-up bar and a blackjack table (with a special bill-drying machine for your money). Part of the pool is indoors in case you want to get away from the sunshine for a while.

Of the big casinos arrayed around the Four Corners area, at Tropicana Boulevard and South Las Vegas Boulevard, the Tropicana has the best pool (the MGM Grand is a strong second).

Favorite all-around pool:

Flamingo

In a city where new casinos have risen with frightening speed, it's great to report that my favorite overall pool is in one of the Strip's most venerable.

The Flamingo's 15-acre grounds feature four pools, including one with a series of waterslides that's a big draw for kids, and another that's a massive lagoon with an 18-foot waterfall.

On a recent trip, I thought for sure that my son Thomas, 10, and his buddy Ryan, 14, would prefer the mechanical waves of Mandalay Bay. But it was the Flamingo they were clamoring for.

"The slide was the best part," Thomas said. "You don't have to stand around waiting for waves like the other place."

Ryan liked the grottos and waterfalls — perfect for roughhousing or hide-and-seek.

"This place was MUCH better," Ryan said, though he added he'd be happy to go back to Mandalay Bay, too.

My favorite is the wonderfully wacky small, oval pool, with tall Flamingo statues ringing a collection of cabanas, each of which comes with its own television, phone and changing room. There also are two hot tubs, if the scorching temperature isn't hot enough for you.