'Van Helsing' monster movie may be a mess, but the hair isn't

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Take a good look at Hugh Jackman's manly jaw in "Van Helsing" — go on, it's no hardship — and you'll see something funny: It's twitching. In the midst of the cartoony mess that is this movie, that twitch is reassuring, indicating that at least somebody was in on the joke. Perhaps Jackman, who I've long suspected of not reading screenplays very carefully (how else to explain "Kate and Leopold"?), realized too late that he'd booked passage on a sinking ship, and simply decided to have a little fun. It doesn't help the movie much, but at least when you giggle, you'll have some company on screen.

Because really, this movie is just too silly for words. Ostensibly a turn-of-the-century monster-hunting adventure, reminiscent of the old Universal monster flicks from the '30s, it comes off as a cross between an edgy shampoo commercial and a really elaborate "Saturday Night Live" sketch. Jackman, lustrous hair flowing, strides through the film as vampire hunter Gabriel Van Helsing, who is summoned to Transylvania to dispatch the evil Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh, hammy as an Easter dinner).

Soon Van Helsing locks eyes with Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), a raven-haired gypsy princess whose family has been stalked by Dracula, and, well, they join forces and fight vampires for two nuance-free hours. Supposedly there's a romance between the two of them, but you can't really tell — they always look on the verge of whipping out dueling bottles of styling mousse.

Though director Stephen Sommers, who made the equally silly "Mummy" movies, is credited with the screenplay, it's hard to imagine "Van Helsing" as having been actually written — it seems to have mutated itself into existence on some scary operating table, like the Frankenstein monster who drops in and out of the movie. (So does Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, Igor, Dr. Victor Frankenstein and other Universal monster-movie staples, though Sommers' obvious fondness for them is marred by a shot of Mr. Hyde's butt crack.) It's really just one special-effects shot after another, delivered at breakneck speed.

Movie review Showtimes and trailer *½ "Van Helsing," with Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, David Wenham, Shuler Hensley, Elena Anaya. Written and directed by Stephen Sommers. 123 minutes. Rated PG-13 for nonstop creature action violence and frightening images, and for sensuality. Several theaters.

This leaves the actors nothing to do but pose, and pose they do, showing off the work of an out-of-control design department. Beckinsale, for example, has been gotten up like the female counterpart of Johnny Depp in "Pirates of the Caribbean," in dominatrix boots, too much eyeliner and curly tresses that fall over one eye like a goth Veronica Lake. (You wonder how she can even see the vampires, let alone fight them.) And the evil Vampire Brides — several of whom seem styled to look like Nicole Kidman after a few good meals — shriek at random intervals and writhe for the camera, like they're supermodels on a Vogue photo shoot.

Sommers directs as if he's unaware of how ridiculous it all is — like the constant shots of Beckinsale racing out of camera range (an entirely understandable instinct), or the spotty Zsa Zsa Gabor accents employed by much of the cast, or the fact that Jackman finally removes his shirt in the final 10 minutes of the movie like a special parting gift to the audience.

Let it be said that I laughed harder at this film than at "Envy," the so-called comedy that opened in theaters last week. If "Van Helsing" wasn't exactly meant to be a comedy — well, these days, you take your fun where you can find it.

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com