Prom night in a hotel room? It's time for a talk

Dear Jan: My daughter is planning her prom night and she has asked if she and her friends could stay at a hotel. She's a junior in high school and has been dating a boy we like for about a year; they're planning to attend the prom along with her best friend and her boyfriend. I trust her judgment, yet I don't feel comfortable allowing her to spend the night in a hotel room, unsupervised, with boys. Can you offer any advice?

— A parent

Dear parent: To offer some perspective, let's back up historically regarding the prom-night-in-a-hotel phenomenon that now occurs in some social groups. In years past, some kids would do in cars — take drugs, have sex and use alcohol — what some may now do in hotel rooms on prom night. Then one of the teens who had been drinking alcohol might drive everyone home. That driver might have ended up being pulled over by the police, receiving a citation for "driving while intoxicated" or "minor in position of alcohol," or worse, causing an accident involving injury or deaths.

Then, thankfully, the Mothers Against Drunk Driving campaign took hold, and teens decided that when using drugs or alcohol one would be the sober designated driver to safely chauffeur friends home, ultimately lowering the incidence of teen-alcohol and drug-related deaths and injury.

While the designated-driver approach works — and is even effective for those older than 21 — prom night presents a new teenage challenge. Few want to be the designated driver on that special night.

So some teens came up with the idea of staying together in a hotel room. Maybe not all who participate drink, use drugs and have sex, but they may be tempted to engage in risky, rebellious behavior.

What are parents to do?

Consider one of the following:

Option 1

Just say "No!" Include, "As a responsible parent I can't allow it. I trust you and know that if you wanted to use drugs, have sex or drink alcohol, all of which I fear, you could do so in a variety of places. Nevertheless, it just doesn't sit well with me to endorse your checking into a hotel with your boyfriend even though you'll be with another couple."

If you fear she may go anyway, consider the next option.

Option 2

Offer a compromise. "I cannot give my blessing to the overnight-in-a-hotel plan. What else can you and your friends possibly do?"

Call the other parents. What are their thoughts and feelings? If one family has a recreation room with sofas, video screen and food, the kids might agree to go there.

When you enter into the problem-solving process with these teens, make sure you explain that you want them to be together for the night; it sounds like fun. You just want to make sure that there is parental supervision and that they are safe. If your daughter continues to balk and you fear that she'll say she's going one place but really goes to the hotel, consider the last option.

Option 3

Allow her to go. Also, tell her you don't like it; it doesn't fit with your values. Explain that while you trust her, you fear that in the hotel she'll be coerced by her peers to do something that she would never do in another environment.

Call the hotel, ask for the house rules for prom-going teens, and communicate these rules to your daughter and her friends.

If you settle for the third option but know you'll be up all night worrying, make a reservation at the hotel for yourself. You would only do so out of love and safety for your daughter.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.

More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists