Communication is key for divorced parents managing child's activities
While experts say it's unrealistic to expect all divorced parents to be chums, they urge parents to put their children's needs first and communicate civilly.
It's hard to generalize about divorced and stepfamilies because so many variables, from why parents divorced to how long they've been separated to the length of a second marriage to the age of children, can affect how parents get along, experts say.
However, if communication has been sketchy, "the beginning of school is a terrific time for a new start," said Claire Hatch, a Kirkland-based couples counselor.
She recommends parents sit down now and talk about their child's activities for the upcoming year. If parents don't like speaking together, chances are they'll avoid it until a problem crops up — and then the situation can be tense.
Parents will likely want to touch base monthly or weekly to coordinate schedules for field trips, school assignments and activities, said Barb Perlmutter, a certified social worker and psychotherapist who founded Seattle's Stepfamily Consultation and Counseling.
"Ideally, it will run like a good business relationship," she said. Some parents add "transfer time" and talk face-to-face when dropping or picking up children; others communicate less personally through writing via e-mail or notes.
Here are some school-related areas of conflict that might arise and tips for working out compromises.
Managing activities
"A big thing I hear is, one household is pro activity but the other parent doesn't want to do all that," Perlmutter said
For example, mom signs her son up for soccer, but dad balks at spending his weekend time at games. Does the child go every other week? Does dad let mom come and take the child to the game?
To compromise, parents might look at the whole year, rather than one season. Ask the child which sport he really wants to play and limit commitments to that activity so it's not a year-round fight.
Or mom might agree to give dad Wednesday nights to make up for lost time on weekends. Another alternative might be swim lessons on weeknights only.
In terms of attending games or recitals, the best option is for all significant adults to go, even if parents and stepparents sit on opposite sides of the stadium. If animosity is too strong, parents could alternate every other performance or game.
Newly divorced parents might bring an adult friend or the child's grandparents along for support.
"Ideally, everyone the child wants to be there will be there," Hatch said. This might require a parent to focus on the child and not, "Why did he bring her?"
One Seattle stepmother knew her husband's ex-wife wasn't against them both attending school events, but she felt uncomfortable as the new person. "I would tell my husband, 'Do not leave my side. No one will talk to me,' " she said. She felt similarly ostracized by other parents when she volunteered at school or offered to drive on field trips.
She assumes other parents worried they would seem disloyal to the children's mother and resented what she represented. "They look at you and think, 'You're what would happen if my marriage breaks up,' " she said.
What parents want to avoid is allowing their turmoil to overshadow their child's moment. "I heard about a boy who spent his whole game watching the bleachers to see what would happen with his family," Perlmutter said.
School conferences
"Ideally, both parents can attend and focus on the child and how he is doing," said Evelyn Smith, a Bellevue therapist who coordinates the adult program of Divorce Lifeline.
But if tension between parents will keep them from paying attention to what's being said, it's worth asking the teacher to hold two conferences.
If teachers can't accommodate separate conferences, experts say it's generally best if mom and dad attend without their respective new spouses.
"If I had to do it again, I wouldn't take things so personally," said one Seattle stepmother of two, who asked not to be identified. "A lot of moms don't want another woman talking to her kids' teacher. Instead of making it an issue, I'd keep a little distance and realize, 'I don't really need to go to the conference. I can ask their dad what happened.' "
More tips:
• If parents attend together, meet for coffee to outline a plan beforehand so the brief conference time isn't wasted with competing agendas.
• Alternate conferences, with one parent taking notes for the other.
• Newly divorced parents might try a neutral event, such as a play or band recital, before a one-on-one teacher conference.
Other school issues
"I do hear complaints that 'I don't want to do homework on weekends,' " Smith said. But she also talks to dads or moms who would like to help but say "I never know what's going on."
One solution is to exchange a notebook or e-mails with basic information: "I took John to the library but he still needs help researching on the Internet"; "Susie needs to read pages 100-125 in her English book."
Parents can ask schools to send two copies of announcements or set up a way to copy important school calendars and flyers. Parents who aren't physically available can still help with homework by phone or instant message.
In Ed Pottharst's case, his 13-year-old daughter Aviva spends every other week with each parent. "It certainly helps to have long blocks of time at households," Pottharst said. "Until this school year, Aviva had an overnight with the other parent on Thursdays. That was sometimes a hassle, as Aviva would have a project due on Friday and she would have to take it over with her for the overnight after working on it during the early part of the week at the other house."
If Aviva forgets anything in the switch between homes, one of the adults will pick it up or drop it off at the other house.
Even if one parent has the kids during the week, it's key for the other parent to stay on top of school issues.
"I really recommend that the nonprimary parent establish relationships at the school early on," Hatch said. "If teachers and staff only see one parent, they focus on communicating with that person. If a dad is picking up his kid from school on Friday for the weekend, chat with the teacher."
More tips:
• Don't leave communication about activities and homework up to the child. Likewise, don't send notes with kids. "You don't want your child responsible for passing on a message like 'Dad says I take too many music lessons so he's not going to pick me up,' " Perlmutter said.
• Make sure school forms are updated, or a stepparent won't be able to pick up a sick child from school, for example.
• Children should have set-aside space to do homework at their secondary residence. "Even if they spend less time in the home, it's still important for them to feel like it's theirs," Hatch said.
What about new partners?
Experts uniformly advise parents to avoid bringing girlfriends and boyfriends into their children's lives. "Too often, parents get boyfriends or girlfriends involved with their kids when the relationship is not that stable," Hatch said.
Many ex-spouses feel very strongly that live-in boyfriends/girlfriends shouldn't share parenting, Perlmutter said. (An exception would be for gay or lesbian parents, who can't legally marry.)
Even after marriage, stepparents need to respect boundaries. "The more stepparents make it clear they're not usurping the authority of a biological parent, the better off they'll be," Hatch said.
As a general rule, Hatch recommends that substantive child-raising issues be decided by the biological parents, while parents and their respective spouses set household living rules.
"Obviously, there's going to be some overlap, but it's a place to start," she said. For example, a parent should recommend what classes a high-schooler should take, but setting a time for homework is the stepmom's province in her home, Hatch said.
Volunteering at school can be a nice way for stepparents to help out without seeming intrusive, especially if it's behind-the-scenes work like making costumes for a performance, said Perlmutter, who has three stepchildren, ages 22, 19 and 16.
"Even if you're mostly working with other kids, it helps establish the trust of the other parent," she said.
Stephanie Dunnewind: sdunnewind@seattletimes.com