Essential reference books about aging, eldercare

Just when world events make you feel like pulling up the covers — or running for cover — I thought I'd recommend a few books on eldercare that will take your mind off that reality for a while.

Virginia Morris' "How to Care for Aging Parents" (Workman Publishing Co., $15.95) is an encyclopedia on the subject, covering just about everything you'd want to know. Talking to your folks, caring for the caregiver, understanding medical issues, dealing with doctors, making the home safer, hiring home care services, paying for care, dealing with dementia, and, finally, moving through the dying process, funerals and grief. It provides readable, user-friendly explanations and practical tips. Pick and choose the topics you want to read rather than sift through all 450 pages.

Joy Leverde's "The Complete Eldercare Planner: Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help" (Random House, $19.95) is similar to Morris' book but with fewer topics. It offers lots of how-to's, checklists, forms and helpful insights.

A good book for everyone is "Successful Aging," by John Rowe, MD, and Robert Kahn, Ph.D. (Delacorte Press, $13.95). It is based on an extensive, multinational, multidisciplinary examination of what makes people healthy and vital late in life, and the MacArthur Foundation sponsored the research. Not just genetics, the authors report, but lifestyle choices (diet, exercise, mental stimulation, self-efficacy, and connection with others) determine how well we age. What's more, we can even start the process late in life. An optimistic, concrete, inspiring book, its message supports the notion that changing a parent's living situation — often isolated and lonely — can indeed improve the quality of their life.

Below the radar in our society are what I call, "parents from hell." Rarely publicly acknowledged, these are parents who — throughout their lives — have been unspeakably vicious, rude, insulting and lacking in appreciation toward their children. Come old age, they're worse — and often remarkably long-lived. An excellent antidote is "Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children," by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane (Avon Books, $12.95). Because these parents won't change, the authors give practical tips on how their adult children can change their approach, resulting in a more constructive relationship.

For more normal but still difficult family relationships, I recommend "Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy?" by Joseph Ilardo, Ph.D., and Carole Rothman, Ph.D. (VanderWyk & Burnham, $14.95). Its subtitle, "How to Resolve the Most Common Dilemmas with Aging Parents," tells its purpose, offering insightful ways adult children can stop letting their buttons get pushed and make progress toward the things that need to get done.

Whoever thought a book on the Alzheimer's epidemic would be fascinating? I certainly didn't — until I read, "The Forgetting," by David Shenk (Random House, $13.95). Mixing philosophy, history, drama, science and mystery, the author conveys with great dignity and compassion what this relentless disease is all about — to sufferers, their families and our society.

Liz Taylor, a specialist on aging and long-term care for 27 years, counsels individuals and teaches workshops on how to plan for one's aging — and aging parents. You can e-mail her with questions at growingolder@seattletimes.com or write to Liz Taylor, P. O. Box 11601, Bainbridge Island, WA 98110.