Baby not on board: Members of social club seek out others to not have children with
Jerry Steinberg prefers documentaries to cartoons. He likes spontaneous walks at midnight, sleeping in late and relaxing to classical music when he comes home from work.
"The last thing I want is to get pounced on when I walk in the door," said the Vancouver, B.C., man, who, for many reasons, decided nearly 30 years ago that he never wanted children.
Steinberg, 57, planned to marry and have kids in his early 20s — even had names picked out. Then he worked as a camp counselor and had relationships with three single moms.
"Once I had the responsibility, I thought, yuck," said Steinberg, who was so sure that he had a vasectomy at 34. The choice left him overwhelmed with loneliness, so on a whim, he placed an ad in a local paper seeking other childless singles and couples. Soon after, he started No Kidding!, a social club and support group for non-parents.
It's been 19 years, and the calls haven't stopped. There are now nearly 10,000 members in 82 chapters in four countries — Canada, the United States, South Korea and the Ivory Coast. Three are in the Puget Sound region — in Seattle, on the Eastside and, most recently, in Olympia.
No Kidding! boomed after it launched a Web site in the '90s and continues to grow with the number of childless, which doubled in the states from 1990 to 2000. In Seattle, only 15 percent of the population is under 15, the smallest percentage in any big city except for San Francisco.
A growing movement
The growing popularity of the child-free movement has membership climbing. There are now numerous Web sites for non-parents — such as Child Free By Choice, No Rugrats, To Breed or Not to Breed, and Brats — but No Kidding! seems to be the prime choice for those who want to fill a social void rather than just rant online.
Though membership is rising, those who choose not to reproduce say there are drawbacks to being in a child-free club — like being called cold, lonely and unfulfilled by a society many believe is obsessed with kids.
"Any healthy culture is child-centric because the future rests on our children," said Allan Carlson, a fellow at the Family Research Council, an advocacy and research center in Washington, D.C. "These (No Kidding!) people are copping out on the future, refusing to accept the standard obligation for responsible membership in our society. I would describe them as childish, immature and irresponsible."
Such comments make some No Kidding! members guarded about discussing their choice. Others, such as Julie and Eric Benjamin of Duvall, are outspoken, hoping publicity will bring more members — or at least let other child-free people know they are not alone.
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In 2001, Julie Benjamin started the Eastside chapter, which now has 40 members, age 20 to 50.
Reasons for joining vary. A few members are fence-sitters who haven't firmly decided whether to have kids.
Others, unable to conceive, were tired of being asked by family and friends whether they were pregnant yet. Most members, though, are certain they don't want any.
All say they're relieved to find a place where they won't feel stigmatized, where their choice is greeted with warmth, not disappointment — where they won't be labeled child-haters for a position they deliberated but decided against.
"We didn't wake up knowing. We thought about it for years," said Tammy Batey, 31, of Tukwila. "But people still get angry with us."
After making the choice, members say they were relieved they no longer had to socialize with parents, which often proved frustrating, sometimes impossible.
"I wanted to talk on the phone without hearing, 'He hit me' or 'Where's the peanut butter?'," said Steinberg, dubbed the group's founding non-father. "I wanted people who could meet in an hour — not 'A week from Friday, if the kids are better, and I have a sitter and some cash.' I wanted people who could have a conversation without mentioning runny noses or stool color."
No Kidding! chapters get together several times a month to build bridges, talk about adult things and get validation from others like them. The groups host an array of activities, including roller-skating, skydiving, laser tag, pet shows, wine-and-cheese parties, meteor watching and demolition derby.
The Seattle chapter — which calls itself a social-service club — has been around for two years and has 100 people on its mailing list, member Louise Pedersen said.
"We do a lot of arts events, animal-shelter work and environmental benefits," she said.
A sociologist's perspective
Virginia Rutter, a sociologist at the University of Washington, sees the opposition to the child-free as both psychological and political. She says there are two issues: caring for children at a societal level and the choice at an individual level.
"People think that those who don't produce are somehow the source of the lack of child care that we have as a society," she said. "When facing an extraordinary stress, they are pissed off and seem to direct that at individuals rather than the system. They see themselves as morally superior because they are dealing with the hardship."
In contrast, many No Kidding! members — often called selfish — see child-bearing as narcissistic and don't understand why society equates reproduction with responsibility.
"It is reasonable to think we need children to replace ourselves and make the world a better place," Rutter said. "But this is a choice, not a necessity."
Toni Weschler, author of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," sees both decisions as selfish.
"Part of the problem is that people want to paint everything as black and white," Weschler said. "Either decision is ambiguous, but instead of focusing on right and wrong, we end up judging each other."
During one of her studies on parenting, Weschler randomly asked mothers on the street to describe parenthood in one sentence. She said the majority depicted a dichotomy.
"People said it was the most difficult thing and the best thing they had done, that it brought the most heartache and the most joy, that it was both frustrating and rewarding," she said. "If you draw a horizontal line representing happiness, people with children go way above and way below, while those without kids seem to stay about the same level."
Steinberg thinks people should be thanking No Kidding! for its help in keeping schools less crowded and freeways less jammed, for decreasing noise and air pollution and keeping thousands of diapers out of landfills.
Mary Pat Byington, 38, works with children and decided five years ago that she didn't want her own. The choice makes dating difficult, said the Edmonds woman. "It turns a lot of guys off."
Life outside the group
Of the Eastside group, 60 percent are married and 40 percent are single. Most have a strong commitment to cats or dogs and say they prefer pet talk to that of kids.
But on a recent Sunday potluck at the Benjamin home, members told more than one annoying-parent story.
Batey spoke of a breast-feeding boss and how repulsed she was at finding her milk in the company fridge. Benjamin expressed dismay that insurance doesn't cover tubal ligations but pays for pregnancy costs.
Others expressed resentment at picking up the slack for parent co-workers, inequality in health care and the lack of tax advantages.
Some of these ideas may come from the child-free movement's manifesto, a book by journalist Elinor Burkett titled "The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless." In it, she writes of the marginalization of the child-free and alleged abuse in a family-biased culture.
Studies show that 1 in 4 women born between 1956 and 1973 will never give birth. No Kidding! members hope the rise in childless adults will make their choice more accepted.
Others worry that some conservatives — who support an initiative from President Bush that gives $300 million to promote matrimony among welfare recipients — will force many people back into the mindset that they must have children.
"They think the source of all social problems are the single and the childless, that marriage and procreation are the way to social well-being" said Rutter, the sociologist. "That could be damaging."
Steinberg says forgoing children gives No Kidding! members the liberty and energy to better contribute to their communities. And that parents should learn to distinguish between not wanting kids and not liking them.
"Diversity makes life interesting," he said. "I don't condemn people for having children; I see no justification for anyone jumping down my throat for not having them."
Leslie Fulbright: 206-515-5637 or lfulbright@seattletimes.com
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