Catch up on the Osbournes as 2nd season dawns

They're (bleepin') ba-ack.

When their second season kicks off at 8 and 10:30 tonight on MTV, "The Osbournes" will be out to prove their reality TV show wasn't a one-season wonder.

The expletive-loving heavy-metal family earned the music network its highest ratings ever during the first season of "The Osbournes" earlier this year, as millions tuned in weekly to see what color daughter Kelly's hair would be, what chaos the family pets would cause and whether Ozzy would find the phone in a cluttered kitchen.

The show's quirky, unscripted Spinal-Tap-meets-the-Cleavers style won it an Emmy for reality programming in September and landed family members on the cover of nearly every major magazine.

If you missed out on last season and you don't know Jack — or if you've got memory-loss problems of Ozzy-like proportions — catch up here:

Cast of characters

Ozzy: As a member of Black Sabbath, he helped create heavy metal — as a solo artist who once bit the head off a bat in concert, he helped make the genre parental Boogeyman No. 1 in the '80s. Now, suffering physically and mentally from more than 30 years of rock 'n' roll excess but still cognizant enough to remind his kids to practice safe sex, Ozzy is America's favorite TV dad.

Sharon: Known for years in the music industry as the architect behind Ozzy's successful solo career and the annual Ozzfest metal package tour, Ozzy's wife and manager also negotiated a lucrative contract for doing the MTV show. Alternately tough-talking and tender toward her brood, Sharon is as likely to take in yet another stray animal as she is to lob a ham at her neighbor's house. A recent diagnosis of colon cancer seems only to have sharpened her wit.

Jack: Part-time talent scout for Epic Records, full-time cranky teenager, son Jack frequently expresses his expletive-laden ambivalence about being filmed for up to 18 hours a day.

Kelly: She's following in dad's footsteps with tattoos and a recording contract (her first album, "Shut Up," arrives in stores today). But some of Kelly's most infamous moments on the show have been of a decidedly girly-girl nature, including a heated discussion with her mom about hygiene concerns that arise when wearing a friend's thong and a temper tantrum over going to the gynecologist.

Robert (the new kid): Robert Marcato, 18, appeared a few times during the show's first season as one of Kelly's friends. After he lost his mother to cancer in July, Sharon insisted the teenager move in with her family.

Aimee: Ozzy and Sharon's eldest child, the aspiring singer opts for a low profile and stays off-camera.

Menagerie: At any given time, more than half a dozen dogs, cats and the occasional unemployed skateboarder make up the Osbournes' extended family. From Lola, the incontinent bulldog with issues, to the herpes-afflicted feline Puss, the Osbourne animals' main function appears to be out-weirding the humans.

The story so far

Episode I: "There Goes The Neighborhood." America — and, more specifically, the family's posh new Beverly Hills 'hood — get introduced to the Osbournes and Ozzy's inability to operate a remote control.

Episode II: "Bark at the Moon." The family's many dogs leave their mark, shall we say, all over the house, prompting a rant from Ozzy on responsible pet ownership and a call from Sharon to a pet therapist.

Episode III: "Like Father, Like Daughter." Kelly celebrates her birthday with a tattoo, to Ozzy's horror, while the Oz himself discusses his daily medical regimen — including Viagra.

Episode IV: "Live and Let Die." Neighbors not nearly as cool as the Osbournes move in, and their musical tastes prompt an over-the-fence food fight.

Episode V: "Tour of Duty." Details for Ozzy's Merry Mayhem holiday tour with Rob Zombie get ironed out while Ozzy pumps iron (in Spandex, no less) and Kelly goes on a shopping spree — with Daddy's plastic.

Episode VI: "Break a Leg." Tour dates get postponed after a tumble leaves Ozzy in a cast, while Jack and Kelly's partying ways prompt a parental intervention from Sharon and Ozzy.

Episode VII: "On the Road Again." Ozzy returns to the tour with a loving, kissy-bleep-kissy birthday surprise from his family in store.

Episode VIII: "No Vagrancy." Jack gets his own personal Kato — a baked ex-pro-boarder-turned-indefinite-houseguest — much to his parent's disapproval.

Episode IX: "A Very Ozzy Christmas." Family members wish each other happy (bleepin') holidays.

Episode X: "Dinner with Ozzy." The Osbourne brood looks back on the season.

What they did on summer vacation

The drama didn't stop when the first season of "The Osbournes" wrapped.

Commercially, the family followed in the footsteps of the Simpsons by releasing a family album of favorites in June. Kelly recorded her own disc, set for release — oh, so coincidentally — today, the same day as the second-season premiere. The Ozzy-led Ozzfest tour repeated its financial success of summers past with a strong bill that also included Rob Zombie and P.O.D.

In July, Sharon was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent surgery. Although doctors gave her a good prognosis, the Osbourne matriarch still had to go through weeks of chemotherapy treatments.

Sharon also reportedly is in talks to host a daily talk show that could start airing in fall 2003 — the details of the show, including whether she gets to throw food at guests who displease her, have not been announced.

The Osbourne house rules

Do you worry you've set too-lax limits for your kids? Take a look at excerpts from an interview with MTV on how Sharon and Ozzy run their roost:

Curfew: Sharon sets the curfew during the week at midnight for 18-year-old Kelly and 17-year-old Jack, but lets them stay out as late as 2:30 a.m. on the weekends.

Says Ozzy: "I don't approve of it, to be honest. ... It's too late for them! But my word doesn't go very far around here."

Drugs and alcohol: "I don't allow smoking of any kind in my house," said Ozzy, before admitting that he's caught son Jack smoking marijuana on more than one occasion.

"And I keep reiterating that if they get busted for drinking in a public place, they'll get thrown out," Ozzy added. "But I just say to myself, 'What right do I have to say anything when I've come home in police cars and ambulances?' "

Sex: Ozzy's advice is simple and to the point: "If you have sex, use a condom."

Sharon agrees but prefers to flesh things out when discussing the topic with her teenagers.

"I always tell the girls that the greatest gift you can give anyone that you love is your body," Sharon said.

"And as much as you think you love someone, it's puppy love, it's infatuation, and you've got to take your time, take little steps in regards to men."

Son Jack gets a slightly different speech.

"What I try to tell Jack is to just have respect for that woman because she's a woman like your mom, like your sisters. Have respect, and don't go around bragging," Sharon said.

School: "I just want them to try their best. If they go in there and fail, I don't care as long as they've tried," Sharon said.

"I've never been one of those mothers that say, 'My child has to be an A student.' I don't agree with putting that kind of pressure on a child. I believe that you are born clever or you're not."