Dad who found teen's fake ID must seize it and discuss the issue

A dad called with this question: "One morning, I was collecting dirty laundry in my 17-year-old son's bedroom and saw a driver's license in his wallet, which was lying open on the table next to his bed. My son doesn't drive, so the license piqued my interest. I pulled it out and saw it was a fake, claiming him to be over 21 years old. Now that I know he's carrying this fake ID, what should I do?"

From a parenting standpoint, there are usually a variety of ways to proceed when a disciplinary situation arises.

However, in this situation, the father must confiscate the ID and destroy it because of the serious legal and liability consequences involved.

When the dad confronts his son, he needs to first explain how he innocently discovered the card. It's important the teen knows his dad wasn't deliberately snooping through his personal belongings. It's also important for the dad to state clearly that since the teen is carrying the fake ID, he assumes he's using it. As a responsible parent, he can't just let the issue slide. For the teen to present himself as 21 to buy alcohol is both illegal and unsafe.

On the legal side, if the son gets caught, he'll face consequences with the law.

On the personal side, if someone were injured or killed in a car accident while under the influence of alcohol that the teen purchased with the fake ID, neither the dad nor the teen could live with himself. The guilt would not rest on the teen's shoulders alone but on the father's, too.

As a means of protection, the dad must take it upon himself to get rid of the fake ID. He can't risk leaving its destruction up to his son. Despite the father's explanation and warning, the son may still see his behavior as harmless and use the fake ID. By burdening the teenager with the responsibility of the situation, the parent may be asking too much of a teen who lacks judgment and experience in such matters.

The son may know what he's doing is wrong, but simply doesn't have the self-control and maturity to do what's right because the fake ID may give him social status among his peers that would be difficult to give up voluntarily. That's why it's critical for the parent to assume control of the risky situation.

When the dad confronts his son, it's important for him not to argue any points. He must explain how he sees fit to manage the situation. There's no need for a battle of wills to ensue, but the dad must prepare himself for an emotional outburst from his son. If the son gets angry, it's important for the dad to realize his anger and indignation will pass.

Once the teen's emotions settle, then the dad can explain that he's proceeding in this manner because he believes it's in his son's best interest. The dad, however, must be realistic and consider the possibility that his son might acquire another fake ID and hide it better. The other concern for the dad is that his relationship with his son could deteriorate.

This situation should put the father on alert to observe his son's behavior. Is this an isolated teen misstep or is it a symptom of a deeper problem in the teen's life?

The parent needs to focus in with interest, keeping a protective watch — for safety's sake — over his teenage son.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. More columns at www.seattletimes.com/columnists.