Man needs to stop anguish over chronic-complainer mom

Q: My grandmother is mean to my father (her son), and it's really stressful. He has heart problems, so I'm afraid for his health. She's 91 and can't live alone anymore.

First he tried taking care of her at home, but she complained constantly. A couple of months ago he moved her into a nice assisted-living facility, and now she says the staff mistreats her. My dad asked neighbors to visit, and they found out she made these stories up.

What can we do to protect my dad and make my grandmother happy?

A: Instinct tells me you can't. You may be able to help your dad, but you'll probably never be able to make your grandmother happy. Sometimes the hardest challenge in eldercare is the older person herself.

Three rules are operating here:

• First, personalities drive much of what happens in caregiving; the diagnosis is secondary. Whether someone has had a stroke or a broken hip, how they respond depends on who they are as people.

• The second rule is a cousin to the first, and it's called the "more so" theory. It goes like this: The older we are, the more we stay the same — only "more so."

Just because a person needs care doesn't mean they'll be cooperative, pleasant or even nice to those who provide it if they weren't that way from the beginning. Assume they will be the way they've always been, but in stronger doses as they get older and lose their independence.

• Rule No. 3: Because caregiving is so personality-driven, you must recognize from the start that the only person you can count on or control is you. This means that, once you've done as much as you can, you may need to let go. There may be some things you can't change.

My guess is that your grandmother has been a complainer all her life. By definition, whatever anyone does for her (especially close family members) is never enough. Your dad could wait on her hand and foot, and she would be dissatisfied, then twist the knife by telling him.

Like many chronic complainers, she's also narcissistic. Having no empathy, she cannot see the anxiety your dad experiences at failing to please her. Ignoring the sacrifices of others, she dwells only on herself.

In addition, she's manipulative. Making up stories about the mistreatment of staff at the assisted living facility is a good example. Her purpose is to make your dad feel guilty, make him visit more often, or maybe even get him to move her home again, where, of course, she would complain that he wasn't doing enough.

If ever there was a vicious circle, your grandmother and dad are dancing in it. Chances are, he's been doing it his entire life and doesn't see how he enables her to set him up.

The solution? Well, your grandmother isn't going to change. At 91, no amount of talking, cajoling or reasoning will make her behave differently. It's your father who needs to understand the dynamics here and learn how to respond to your grandmother differently. That's not easy, but given his stress and health problems, it is imperative.

Your father has been conditioned to respond to his mother's manipulations, so he needs to un-learn these responses and adopt new behaviors. He probably has no idea where to begin — and will even feel disrespectful not to behave as before.

With such a long-standing pattern, I think a counselor would be well worth the investment — to talk through what's happening here and explore new behaviors.

I also recommend two books: "Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent," by Grace Lebow and Barbara Kane, and "Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy?" by Joseph A. Ilardo and Carole R. Rothman. Both offer excellent ideas about how to resolve difficulties with aging parents.

Q: My mother cares for my dad, who's had several small strokes. He's confused and needs constant watching to make sure he's safe. I worry that my mother is wearing out. Any ideas?

A: One of the best-kept secrets in eldercare is adult day services — places where physically and memory-impaired adults can spend the day, have a meal, participate in activities designed for their abilities and — often most important — give their caregivers a break.

Fifty adult day centers operate in our state; half are in our immediate area. For a list, go to www.adultday.org or call 206-461-3899 (toll free, 888-609-2372).

Liz Taylor, a specialist on aging and long-term care, counsels individuals and teaches workshops on how to plan for one's aging — and aging parents. You can e-mail her with questions at growingolder@seattletimes.com or write to Liz Taylor, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.