Aside from the big bombs, 'Pearl Harbor' is a dud
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For a while, "Pearl Harbor" is a great movie.
Bombs dive from Japanese planes, piercing the hulls of U.S. ships, forcing the vessels to heave and pirouette for a moment before blowing apart. Japanese fighter pilots go through elaborate silent rituals - offering toasts to their planes and carefully drawing white cloth bands across their foreheads before climbing into their white aircraft. Dozens of fighter planes bear down on a woman hanging her laundry before veering toward their targets. She ducks and winces, shocked at such a violation of her Sunday duties.
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These scenes encompass only a fraction of the movie, though. "Pearl Harbor" is a three-hour epic, a long, puffed-up tale of love and heroism that if separated from the invasion sequence would be a snore at best. Snip away that brilliant bit of techno wizardry, and "Pearl Harbor" reveals itself as a clunky love story with cardboard characters, poor dialogue and little besides schmaltzy music to carry us to the next explosion.
The movie begins with a dose of beautifully filmed cheddar. Two young boys (it's 1923 Tennessee) play in a broken old cropduster, pretending to shoot German aces out of the sky. Around them are amber waves of grain and, if the camera were to pan out enough, maybe purple mountains, too. One boy, after shooting an imaginary foe, says, "Land of the free," which the other answers with, "Home of the brave." Here we go.
Jerked forward to 1940 and Long Island's Mitchell Field (now a mall), the two have grown into cocky fighter pilots. One of them, Rafe McCawley (Ben Affleck), gets busted for a stunt and is scolded by his commanding officer, James Doolittle (Alec Baldwin).
As Doolittle, Baldwin gets to say things like, "You remind me of myself 15 years ago." He then sends Rafe off to England to help the British fight the Germans. Danny Walker (Josh Hartnett), Rafe's buddy, stays behind and gets transferred to Hawaii, a place where nothing ever happens.
In case you're wondering, the invasion of Pearl Harbor comes more than 90 minutes into the film. Until then, we're left to baby-sit not just Rafe and Danny, but their squadron mates, a randy group of nurses and Evelyn Johnson (Kate Beckinsale), Rafe's radiant lover. Rafe goes off to England, and Evelyn pledges her undying love.
With Rafe gone, Evelyn and Danny fall in love. It's OK, because they waited three months. But it's not OK, because they're so boring.
There are no bad guys in this movie - and we all know bad guys are more fun. Evelyn and Danny can't be blamed since Rafe is gone; the Japanese are off the hook because we cut off their supply for oil. What we're left with is a lack of passion. Our blood runs hot for the bombs and explosions, not the people.
During the huge battle sequence, Bay takes us away from the carnage to show Danny and Rafe (he's back!) shooting down Japanese fighters and acting like Maverick and Goose from "Top Gun."
On one of the ships, Cuba Gooding Jr. muddles around as the one black person in the movie with any lines. He's tough and good and mourns the loss of his captain (who would only let him be a cook but commented favorably on his boxing prowess) in a moment that has a whiff of the Old South. Gooding's character may be based on a real person, but you wouldn't know it.
None of the principal actors give great performances; with little to work with, they stand around as if posing for war posters. And word is, the filmmakers tacked on a 40-minute gung-ho ending because leaving us with Pearl Harbor would have been a serious bummer.
Bay takes the easy way out with this movie, shunning the real pain of the attack to concentrate on the shallow feelings of his stars. At the end, over stirring music, Evelyn speaks of how tough it all was.
"But through the trial," she says, "we overcame."
Yes, my dear, we did. But barely.
John Zebrowski can be reached at 206-464-8292 or jzebrowski@seattletimes.com.