Bullying starts at home, but it doesn't stop then and there

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It's easy to believe bullying takes place most commonly in schools and on the playgrounds, but the sad truth is that bullying usually begins at home and is perpetuated in our society at large.

The schoolyard bully with few social refinements or disguises is simply the more obvious culprit compared with his corporate, domestic or organizational adult-bully counterpart.

Children learn social behavior first by copying their parents. They naturally soak up all the overt and subtle behaviors of the most important people in their lives. The child treated with kindness treats others kindly; the child bullied repeats those behaviors.

Facts about bullies and their victims • Typical bullies are physically strong, aggressive and impulsive. They have a strong need to dominate others and have a positive attitude toward violence. • Typical victims are often physically weak, timid, anxious, sensitive and shy. They usually lack friends but tend to have positive relationships with their parents. • Harassment is triggered when a child is different from the group: a fat child, a new child, a child with a foreign accent or from a different socioeconomic group. • Too often, bullies justify their behavior this way: "bullying helps victims by making them tougher," and "bullying teaches about behavior unacceptable to the group." • Most bullies have been bullied themselves by parents, siblings or other children. • The victims are characterized by having overly protective and overly involved parents.

While most toddlers naturally push and grab for what they want, school-age kids should have learned other ways of managing themselves.

In some homes, kids bullying each other not only isn't squelched, but is rewarded with attention and pride by parents who view standing up for yourself - no matter the means or the price to the victim - an admirable quality.

Additionally, bullying is reinforced for children in movies, video games and TV programs.

Bullying behavior ranges from the big kid in the neighborhood poking a little one with a stick, to a gang of girls snickering at and then shunning a girl because of her large nose.

You know bullying when you see it. It's an aggressive act where one student or a group of students physically or verbally harasses another.

Bullies acquire a knack for attack living two lives; they are sugary sweet to adults, but when left without adult supervision, their bullying tactics emerge. They possess a natural instinct for picking out the slightly different, defenseless child who is often physically weak, timid, anxious, sensitive or shy.

Bullies crave social influence but only know how to get it negatively.

Full-fledged gangs of bullies develop aggressive strategies that bring out the worst in each of them.

Boy bullies display blatant acts: unmerciful teasing, jeering and pushing that can lead to violence.

Girls exclude victims from their circle of friends by whispering, sneering and snickering, and the most drastic of all: shunning.

Every adult can remember a bully from childhood days. Whatever happened to that kid who sauntered around the play yard blatantly pushing kids around?

Well he doesn't just turn nice overnight; he resurfaces in adult form repeating similar, although more subtle and sophisticated, behavior toward spouses, children and employees.

Parents as bullies use harsh, controlling and strict disciplinary tactics.

They display little affection, consideration and empathy for their children.

These parents teach through example that the biggest, loudest and most forceful wins.

Although schools must promote programs to eliminate bullying and legislators might write laws against it, parents need to look at their own behavior, and learn ways to manage children that don't resort to parental bullying.

No-tolerance policies for bullying shouldn't be limited to schools alone.

E-mail Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, at janfaull@aol.com or write Jan Faull. c/o Families, The Seattle Times. P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.