Keys to understanding what makes some children more popular than others
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How important is it to you for your child to be popular? Some parents might make it their goal to see their children get invited to many birthday parties and sleepovers. Other parents may not be particularly interested in their children being homecoming queens or kings but rather hope they'll acquire strong friendships.
Popularity is a term that hits everyone differently. Who are those popular kids? What are their attributes? According to research, the popular child has a strong personality while being friendly toward classmates. They're usually good students who exhibit exemplary social skills, plus they're able to control their emotions in social settings. However, popular children are not necessarily the most likable kids. More accurately, they're the ones who are good athletes, school leaders, cooperative, studious, not shy or unassertive.
Researchers describe many unpopular kids in terms of being physically unattractive, seldom displaying positive social interactions and often exhibiting inappropriate behavior.
When kids in late elementary school responded to two questions, "Who is the most popular child in the class?" and "Whom would you like as your best friend?" most of the children offered names of different children. From this result it's easy to assume, just because a child is popular doesn't mean he or she is the one most liked or admired by peers.
It is interesting that children identified by teachers in kindergarten as popular were still identified as popular six years later. It is also noted that among siblings, teachers reported strong similarities with regards to popularity, social behavior, school adjustments and positive behavior with peers on the playground.
Then it seems there are differences between popular boys and girls. Boys attain popularity because of athletic ability, toughness and how they get along with girls, while girls obtain popularity because of attractiveness, social skills and academic achievement. Popular boys are often more boisterous and aggressive than girls.
Another interesting finding emerged in a longitudinal study. Evidently there's a strong association between kids who sought out and enjoyed rough-and-tumble play when little and popularity as they grow older. Somehow, this exuberant roughhousing determined an interest in social affiliations and skills. Why? From observing popular kids, it appears they have four skills that support their popularity:
1. Popular kids don't make demands, whine, pout or grab. Instead, they know how to ask for what they want.
2. They know how to take turns when engaged in conversation, playing games or when involved in activities or classroom interaction; they don't dominate or interrupt.
3. They're responsive; when someone speaks, they respond promptly.
4. They follow the logic of a conversation; they are not easily distracted, stay focused on a conversation and do not get off track.
Children who display competence in these four areas of social interaction were well-liked by their peers, and they described themselves positively with regards to social skills.
These skills seems basic, but for some kids these skills are much more difficult to acquire. All parents can help their kids with these four important social skills.
Are some kids born with attributes that lead to popularity? Do some children just naturally read cues from their peers that support their ability to move successfully between social groups? It's probably true.
That being said, it's probably also true that some children, because of innate qualities, have a harder time making their way to the popular ranks.
While most parents know their child may not be the belle of the ball, but instead a wallflower, every parent wants their children to belong to a group and develop friendships. Next week I'll give ideas for what parents can do to help.
Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.