Emotional Vampires

Think quickly. You know a vampire. Probably more than one. Maybe a close friend. Or more likely - a relative. Dealing with this Emotional Vampire makes you tired, headachy, irritable. They drain you. And - even creepier - they seem to grow stronger as your energy wanes.

Albert Bernstein, author, clinical psychologist and 30-year veteran therapist, is an expert on such creatures. Want to know how to spot bloodsuckers? How to drive metaphorical stakes deep through their hearts?

It's all in his new book, "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People who Drain You Dry," (McGraw-Hill; $19.95), an amusing yet practical guide to managing the most difficult and annoying people in your life. It's full of quizzes (Am I a vampire? Is my spouse?), protective strategies and lots of vampiric illustrations.

Who are these beasts? You might think that your anal-retentive, perfectionist boss - who spots errors at lightning speed but can't manage praise - is simply annoying, or that that office hussy who flirts her way out of tiresome tasks is merely irksome.

But it's much worse.

These Emotional Vampires feed off perfectly nice, mentally stable folks like you.

A quick primer: They're different from regular folks, their prey. They might appear sexier, more exciting, talented, charming, creative or successful. But they often see their needs as paramount to everyone else's and nurture the annoying belief that rules are for the little people. They're never at fault. (No reflections, remember?) They're powerful in the dark. They can turn you into one of them, or at least drag you down to their level. When denied, they throw massive, manipulative tantrums.

And their shapes shift. They play roles so well, they often fool themselves.

So where do these creatures of the night hatch from, anyway? Who cares, Bernstein says.

More important than finding the vampire's inner child is figuring out how to avoid his or her hypnotic gaze and draining chomp. (See our accompanying evil-deflecting protective strategies.)

And don't worry if you see yourself, Bernstein says. Most of us have a little vampire inside. If you can see it, there's hope. You can't fix a serious vampire. That takes couch work, he says. Besides, more practical issues are at, uh, stake. Like your own sanity and survival.

"Knowing where a problem came from is not the same as solving it," the psychologist says. "Emotional Vampires are already famous for not taking responsibility for their own actions. Why give them more ammunition by speculating about the harmful effects of chemical imbalance, dysfunctional families, childhood abuse or low self-esteem?

"We are all Adult Children of something, but not all of us become vampires."

According to Bernstein, there are five types of Emotional Vampires, which - all wax-teeth jokes aside - correspond to real, diagnosable personality disorders.

-- Anti-Social Vampires ignore social rules and are generally addicted to excitement - sex, drugs, gambling, death-defying feats, whatever gets their blood pumping. These vampires are a blast, but they're neither responsible nor reliable and they'll drop you like garlic when you get boring. This group includes three types: Daredevils, Used Car Salesmen and Bullies. Famous ones include (according to the good doctor) James Dean, Elvis, Michael Milkin and Mike Tyson. Everyday folks: cowboys, day traders, party animals, tobacco-industry spinmeisters, crooks and that tyrant who runs the finance department.

-- Histrionic Vampires live for attention, approval and drama. Watch out when they try to suck you into their soap operas, Bernstein says. These folks are experts at hiding motivation, even from themselves. If you call them on their devious and duplicitous actions, guess who the meanie is? Types include Hams, or high-maintenance drama queens, and Passive-Aggressives, who mount obvious attacks they never own. Famous bloodsuckers? Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Tammy Faye Baker, Martha Stewart and president-whatever George W. Bush. Everyday folks: office gossips, pious stone casters and "unintentional" sexual harassers.

-- Narcissistic Vampires have grandiose fantasies about being the smartest, most talented people in the world. It's not that they think less of others, they don't think of them, period. Unfortunately, greatness and narcissism are pals. These vampires are born to lead but rarely have more than self-interest in mind. They come in two flavors: Legends In Their Own Minds, or self-proclaimed geniuses. Most famous? Bill Clinton. The everyday model: your bright but terminally unemployed brother-in-law.

-- Obsessive-Compulsive Vampires are too much of a good thing, Bernstein says. They do the world's most thankless tasks, but they're addicted to safety and control, which they attain through scrupulous attention to detail. They take no pleasure in hurting you, but don't test them by threatening their anal-retentive little worlds. They never, ever give praise. And they push those in their sphere to be as uber-competent as they are. They are Perfectionists and Purists. Famous ones: Al Gore and Ralph Nader. Everyday folks: the nearby control freak.

-- Paranoid Vampires see the world as one big X-File. Searching for invisible truths, these folks are the policemen of the vampire world, Bernstein says. "You feel safe and secure in their certainty. Until you become a suspect." These vampires can be deep thinkers and moralists. Or they can be total conspiracy-theorist freaks. It's hard to know which camp their tent is pitched in - Visionaries or Green-Eyed Monsters. Pat Buchanan is the poster vampire. Regular ones are jealous spouses and people who post weird things on the Internet.

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You don't have to be Buffy to kick vampire bootie. Here's 10 Strategies for Protecting Yourself Against Emotional Vampires.

1. Ignore tantrums. When vampires don't get their way, they throw fits. But their emotional outbursts are only designed to make you give in. Don't.

2. Pick your battles. Choose important fights, ignore the rest. Avoid ones you can't win.

3. Pay attention to actions, not words. What vampires say often differs from what they do. Focus on what they do.

4. Look to their pasts to anticipate vampire attacks. They repeat themselves. Don't assume, without evidence, they've reformed. Ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish and why.

5. Get outside verification. Vampires want you to listen only to them. They will try to control you through isolation. Always check out what they tell you. Vampires can't operate in the light of day.

6. Do what they don't. Rush in where they fear to tread.

7. Let contingencies do the work. A contingency is an if-then situation. Like children, vampires only learn through consequences. Don't rescue them.

8. Know your limits. Dealing with vampires takes a lot of effort. They may be worth it, they may not. Sometimes it's better to run.

Source: "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry" by Albert Bernstein.

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Here's a checklist for identifying a vampire

Each vampire type is identifiable through a quiz. Here's the checklist for Histrionic (Drama Queen and Passive Aggressive) Vampires. Are you - or is anyone you know - living a soap opera?

True or False

1. This person usually stands out in a crowd by virtue of looks, dress or personality.

2. This person is friendly, enthusiastic, entertaining and absolutely wonderful in social situations.

3. This person treats superficial acquaintances as if they were close friends.

4. This person may become visibly upset when forced to share the spotlight.

5. This person frequently changes his or her style of dress and overall look.

6. This person loves to talk, gossip and tell stories.

7. This person's stories usually become more exaggerated and dramatic with each retelling.

8. This person has a good fashion sense, but perhaps a bit too much concern with his or her appearance.

9. This person can become very upset over relatively small social slights.

10. This person seldom admits to being angry, even when his or her anger is quite apparent to other people.

11. This person has very little memory for day-to-day details.

12. This person believes in supernatural entities like angels, deities, or benevolent spirits who regularly intervene in everyday life.

13. This person has one or more unusual ailments that come and go according to no discernible pattern.

14. This person has some problems doing regular chores like paperwork, housecleaning and paying bills.

15. This person has been known to get sick to avoid doing something unpleasant.

16. This person fervently follows several television shows or sports teams.

17. This person's communication, though highly colored, is often indirect and vague.

18. This person requires more maintenance than a rare orchid, but believes he or she is the easiest person in the world to get along with.

19. This person often seems seductive, though he or she may not admit to it.

20. Despite all the problems, this person is always in demand and more popular than most people could ever hope to be.

Each True gets 1 point. Five or more qualifies a person as a vampire, though not necessarily for diagnosis of a histrionic personality disorder. If the person scores higher than 10, be careful - you could be recruited for their cast.

Source: From "Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry" by Albert Bernstein.