Cold water in face isn't good way to quell tantrum

DEAR MS. FAULL: My husband throws cold water in our 4-year-old son's face when he has a tantrum. He claims this approach gets the tantrum to stop without resorting to physically harsh tactics. Afterward, our son cries himself to sleep and my husband feels successful. Could you comment on the possible consequences of throwing water in a young child's face? - A mom

DEAR MOM: Think about a time in your life when you've been most angry. Now think about how much more angry you'd be if someone threw water in your face. Maybe you'd lash out at the perpetrator. Maybe you'd be subdued outwardly, but inwardly you'd seethe with rage.

It's important for your spouse to understand: Just because the outward signs of anger stop when your son gets a face full of water doesn't mean the anger ends. It goes somewhere.

Instead of trying to punish tantrums away, it's important for parents to know what to do when children explode with anger. Encourage your spouse to proceed in this manner:

1) Restrain the child. If a young child is hitting you or destroying property, firmly - not harshly - stop him by physically containing him.

2) Put the child's anger into words. The goal here is for children to learn to express anger with words rather than by screaming, stomping and flailing about. When a child flies into a tantrum, clarify the situation with words: "You're angry, you don't want to go to bed"

3) Stay as close to the child as the child will allow. By doing so, you help absorb those angry emotions. It's quality parenting not to desert an emotional child.

4) Don't try talking the child out of being angry by saying, "There's no reason to be angry, you go to bed every night at 8 o'clock." If you say this, your child might get angrier just to prove that there really is a reason for his anger.

5) Don't spank or hit the child (or throw water in his face) - he'll only fly into a rage, or internalize the anger.

6) Give the child permission to be angry, but clearly let him know you won't allow violent acts. "You can be mad, but I won't allow you to hit me."

7) Don't give in. "I know you don't want to go to bed, but it's your bedtime, so off we go."

8) Don't distract children away from their anger, especially through food, TV or the promise of a new toy. Even though it's difficult and uncomfortable, permit your child to ride out his anger.

9) Allow your child time to calm down. Anger is physiological. The heart beats faster, adrenalin pumps, the child prepares for flight or fight. Anger needs time to subside.

10) Once the child is calm, explain the situation and resolve the problem, using logic and reason.

If you can't remember any of these, take a deep breath and tell yourself: "I don't know what to do, but I'm not going to make the situation worse." When the child moves into high gear with anger, that's the parent's cue to shift into low gear, moving toward the child.

Tantrums start at about 18 months, then diminish significantly by time a child is 3. When an older child throws full-blown tantrums, it's important for parents to make sure they're not inadvertently contributing to their frequency or duration.

If you feel yourself getting angry, or if the child persists after you've followed the above suggestions, gently escort your child to his room. Tell him one more time you understand he's angry; now he needs to tell his teddy bear just how angry he is. Children have vivid imaginations, so the teddy can help out when you can't.

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.