`When Your Lover Is a Liar' it's time to open your eyes

"When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal"

by Susan Forward

HarperPerennial, $13

Men who fail to tell their current wives about a previous one. Men whose wives catch them kissing another woman on a lunch break. Men who withdraw money from checking accounts intended for the house payment.

"Lying by a lover is frequently one of the most destructive forces in a woman's life," writes Susan Forward. "A relationship with a liar can destroy our self-respect and our ability to trust our own perceptions and judgments."

Though not all liars are men and people lie in all sorts of situations, Forward targets women who are lied to by men in a romantic relationship.

"When I use the word `liar,' I'm not talking about men who mislead us inadvertently or with optimistic but unrealistic promises," notes Forward, whose other books include the New York Times best sellers "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" and "Toxic Parents."

"The lies that harm us and our relationships all involve an intent to deceive. A lie is deliberate and conscious behavior that either misrepresents important facts or conceals and withholds them in order to keep you from knowing the truth about certain facets of your partner's past, present, and, often, future."

Men lie about money, addiction, commitment and availability, as well as infidelity, she notes. Lies keep partners from making informed choices about major life decisions, such as marriage, and also prevent women from really knowing their lovers.

Lies generally fall into two basic categories: lies of commission (blatant misstatements of fact) and lies of omission (keeping secrets). Some of her advice:

Don't expect complete openness. Men should be allowed private fantasies, unaccounted-for time, and having lunch with female colleagues or friends. "He has his own inner world, beliefs and values. Keeping parts of his life to himself is not lying."

To spot a liar, look for inconsistencies in what he tells you about his history, work, financial situation or other aspects of his life. Does he refuse to give you clear answers? Does he admit to past infidelities or lies but insists "it's different" now?

Believe what a man does, not what he says. This is especially key when women don't want to believe a man is having an affair, or think they will leave their wives for them. If he lies to his wife, chances are good he'll lie to you, too.

When you confront a lover about a lie, schedule a time when you will be both physically and emotionally able to talk without distractions. Take the phone off the hook and send children to a friend's house.

Write out what you want to say. Either give it to your lover or read it aloud to him. Address three key points: what you know, how the lying made you feel and what you want to have happen now.