Busted! Courtroom shows worst of syndicated TV heap

Game shows. Judges you don't sass back to. Well-endowed warrior women. These are the staples of syndicated television. Some of it is stuff you're loath to admit watching while others - most of it, actually - breaks down into two basic categories: irresistible or unviewable.

As we inevitably discover each fall season, most syndicated programming qualifies for the latter designation. This time, it's the courtroom shows that are guilty as charged. Where Judge Joe Brown and Judge Judy carry their shows with poise and unmatched personality, the new syndi-courts are gooey, feelings-oriented affairs that exploit family woes (See "Judge Hatchett") or the uptight fussiness of others ("Moral Court"). "Moral Court" and "Curtis Court's" judges aren't even actual "your honors." Only "Power of Attorney," which displayed a powerful ratings presence in its first weeks, has promise.

The People's Court offers hope for the television justice system by putting Jerry Sheindlin, Judge Judy's husband on the bench.

On the game-show front, "Street Smarts" looks the most promising, but "Lover or Loser" has a certain embarrassment factor that could make it popular in its first few airings. "Xena" and "Relic Hunter," have to worry about competition from "Sheena" and "Queen of Swords" female Zorro - but not much. Another confrontational woman, "Dr. Laura," is also taking to the airwaves.

What you see below is pretty much what we're going to get in Seattle. Stay tuned.

KING-TV:

"Dr. Laura," 3 p.m. Monday-Friday. "Stop Dr. Laura" protesters wanted to ban Laura Schlessinger's show from appearing on KING-TV because of her adamant anti-gay stance. Now see what all the fuss is about. Or call an uptight relative for the same effect. Screener unavailable. Begins tomorrow.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," 11 a.m. Monday-Friday. Cybill Shepherd hosts; numerous celebrities and pundits postulate on this daytime show that tackles variety of relationship-oriented issues. You'll laugh. You'll cry. Screener unavailable. Starts Oct. 2.

Reruns in syndication:

CBS' "Nash Bridges" airs 1:35 a.m. Saturday and Sunday starting Sept. 23.

KONG-TV

"Lover or Loser," 4 p.m. Monday-Friday. A mixture of "Singled Out" and a man's worst nightmare, this half-hour game show puts two men in front of an audience filled with single women and parades their exes and buddies before the world to dish up some dirt. The audience votes on which one is a lover, then the guy selects his dream date from three of his harsh judges. You know, the way things should be. Already running on USA Network; begins in syndication tomorrow.

"Judge Hatchett," 5-6 p.m. Monday-Friday. (back-to-back 30-minute episodes.) Some of the best "Maury Povich" episodes are the ones where Maury ships little ne'er-do-wells off to boot camp, where they cry for Mama. Apparently, there are enough troubled youths in the world to devote a whole series to this practice, although Judge Hatchett is more akin to an annoying character off "In Living Color" than Judge Judy. She's no boss, applesauce. Starts tomorrow.

"Thunderbox," 9 p.m. Saturdays. Extreme boxing starts off KONG's manly man Saturday-night lineup, beginning Oct. 7. It's followed by a syndicated airing of a WCW bout at 10 p.m. starting Sept. 30. and Women of Wrestling (WOW), for all of us who've missed the glory days of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, at 11 p.m., also kicking off Oct. 7. Stock up on pork rinds, fellas.

"Russell Simmons One World," midnight Saturdays. A new show from Def Jam hip-hop mogul Simmons. Screener unavailable at press time.

"Queen of Swords," 5-6 p.m. Sundays. "Hello. My name is Tessa Alvarado (Tessie Santiago). You killed my father. Prepare to, uh, be knocked out by the butt of my sword as I free your unjustly held prisoners. Marvel at my flimsy lace mask and heaving bosoms; perhaps they'll distract you from noticing my wooden acting and bumbling swordplay." That, in a nutshell, is the story behind this frightfully lame She-Zorro. Bo Derek and Daisy Fuentes will appear in future episodes. Jose Feliciano performs the theme. Begins Oct. 8.

Reruns in syndication:

CBS' "Nash Bridges" hits the re-run circuit on KONG at 8 p.m. Saturdays starting Sept. 30. "Early Edition" airs 7 p.m. Saturdays and Sundays starting Sept. 23. Fox's "New York Undercover" airs at midnight Sundays beginning Oct. 8.

KIRO-TV

"Sheena," 12:05 a.m. Saturdays, 1:35 a.m. Sundays. She's blond, she's bad, she's running half-naked through the African jungle. "Baywatch" babe Gena Lee Nolin inherits the loincloth from Tanya Roberts in this TV spinoff off the 1984 movie. It was a bad idea then, so why now? Because jiggly Gena needs a job. Starts Oct. 7.

"Famous Homes and Hideaways," 1:05 a.m. Sundays. Take a 30-minute televised tour of homes belonging to people far, far richer than you. Rudy Giuliani's estranged wife Donna Hanover hosts. Begins Sept. 17.

"Power of Attorney," 4:30 p.m. Monday-Friday. Another half-hour in court. Judge Andrew P. Napolitano presides over everyday civil-court cases. The hook? Litigants get representation from the likes of Gloria Allred, Dominic Barbara and Christopher Darden. Now airing.

"To Tell the Truth," 1:35 a.m. Monday-Friday. The classic game show gets an update with Paula Poundstone and Meshach Taylor on the panel and John O'Hurley ("Seinfeld's" J. Peterman) taking over host duties. Begins Sept. 18.

KCPQ-TV (Fox)

"Moral Court," 9 a.m and 1 p.m. Monday-Friday.. KABC talk-show host Larry Elder, the sage from South Central, applies his "superior" sense of what's right to this hybrid between a courtroom and a game show. Accusers point their fingers at loved ones, neighbors, etc. Elder weighs in with self-righteous speechifying and moral judgment. Some might take money home. Guaranteed to tick off lefty libertarians everywhere. Starts Oct. 16.

"Arrest & Trial." A new reality-based show from "Law & Order" producer Dick Wolf, hosted by Brian Dennehy. True crimes and the following trial are portrayed through re-enactments with the actual detectives, much like "America's Most Wanted." A good show for true-crime junkies. Begins Oct. 2.

"House Calls," 2 p.m. Monday-Friday. A relationship show in which a healing counselor visits a couple's home and talks them through their troubles. Screener unavailable. Starts tomorrow.

"Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda," 5 p.m. Saturdays. The newest sci-fi creation from the father of the "Star Trek" universe stars "Hercules' " Kevin Sorbo as the leader of a motley crew of aliens hurtling through the galaxy trying to restore peace to the Commonwealth. "All My Children" hunk Keith Hamilton Cobb also has a main role. Suddenly, those sci-fi conventions seem much more appealing - rrrowl!!! Screener unavailable at press time. Also see KTWB listing. Starts Oct. 7

"The Cindy Margolis Show," midnight Saturdays. Internet pin-up queen now hosts her own party program. A perfect date for her more ardent fans, who probably don't have much to do Saturday nights, anyway. Now airing.

Reruns in syndication:

The WB's "The Jamie Foxx Show" airs in reruns Monday-Friday at 12:35 a.m. beginning Oct. 2, followed by the secondary airing of "The Jerry Springer Show" at 1:05 a.m. (starting tomorrow) and the WB's "The Wayans Bros." at 2:05 a.m.

KTWB-TV (The WB)

"Street Smarts," 5 p.m. and 10 p.m. Monday-Friday. The newest creation from the producers of "Change of Heart" borrows from the Jay Leno segment in which the host hits the pavement to see precisely how dumb the average person is. Contestants win points by correctly deciding, on looks alone, whether some guy on the street knows the answer to a question. Then we watch the footage and laugh at what dullards most of us are. Sounds strangely satisfying. Screener unavailable at press time. Begins Oct. 2.

"Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda," airs 10 p.m. Sundays. See KCPQ listing for description.

Reruns in syndication:

NBC's "The Pretender" airs 11 p.m Saturdays starting Oct. 7. "3rd Rock from the Sun" runs at 7 p.m. and 7:30 p.m Monday-Friday beginning Sept. 18. Also, "Suddenly Susan" airs 11:30 p.m. Monday-Friday beginning Oct. 2. And "V.I.P." jiggles and giggles its way to KTWB 6 p.m. Saturdays beginning Sept. 23.

KSTW-TV (UPN)

"Curtis Court." 10 a.m. Monday-Friday. Prosecutor James Curtis weighs in with his version of courtroom drama. This time, Curtis adds expert witnesses and examination of evidence to the mix, which often takes him out of the courtroom. Our verdict? We're happier with Joe Brown, Mills Lane and Judy Sheindlin. Starts tomorrow.

Reruns in syndication:

ABC's "Spin City" comes to KSTW 7 p.m. and 10 p.m Monday-Friday starting Oct. 2. Also on weekdays beginning Sept. 18: "Clueless" at 7 a.m., WB's "7th Heaven" at 9 a.m.; "Moesha" at 2 p.m., followed by ABC's "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" at 2:30 p.m. "Star Trek: Voyager" airs 10 p.m. Saturdays followed by "Stargate SG-1" at 11 p.m. starting Sept. 16.