Run from `Big Brother': The show's not the real thing

"Big Brother is worse than you think - get out now" screamed a banner from a plane flying over the not-so-famous "Big Brother" house.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. CBS' "Big Brother" is a gushing ratings bleeder, attracting little more than 6 million viewers for last week's hourlong Thursday show, one night after the record-setting numbers for the "Survivor" finale. Oceans of difference exist between "Survivor" and "Big Brother," and we're not just talking about the culinary comparisons.

In case you don't know the premise - and you're probably not watching, so why would you? - "Big Brother" puts 10 strangers into a house with more than two dozen cameras watching their every move for three months. They don't have access to television, radio or newspapers, just each other, the occasional airborne message and a flatulent pug for entertainment. (Note to CBS: Consider flooding the place with laughing gas. Reward the last one to pass out! I guarantee a ratings spike!)

Every other week, the housemates nominate other residents for banishment, and the viewers choose the loser. Seven are left: Cassandra, the level-headed African-American professional; Jamie, the Washington beauty queen; Curtis, the canny lawyer; Josh, the muscular chucklehead; Eddie, the easily annoyed amputee; Brittany, the rainbow-haired virgin; and George, the middle-aged idiot.

"Big Brother" is happening in real time, and CBS airs distillations of the previous 24 hours in half-hour segments four nights a week. Wednesday's show is a live, hourlong broadcast starring animatronic hostess Julie Chen and a heavily made-up Dr. Drew Pinsky. You can also see 60-minute recaps of the week's high jinks on Saturday nights. (Note to CBS: Have you considered replacing Chen with Jon Lovitz dressed as Satan? Another ratings booster! Anything would help!)

Or, you can watch them 24-7 on the Internet, via an American Online site or at bigbrother

2000.com. This has been the method of choice for the hard-core voyeur, and gives us an enlightening look at how reality shows, and the real people in them, are edited for television.

The residents talk about each other, have dirty conversations and cuddle in bed with virginal Brittany at the drop of a hat, like dorm life. Dorms would be pretty boring places without troublemakers, gossips and easy girls around to keep things lively. Unfortunately America voted Mega, Karen and Jordan out weeks ago, so boredom has arrived.

On the TV, that is. CBS delights in showing the residents killing time with Big Brother-mandated challenges - such as this week's, which has them putting together a puzzle - and other things such as, say, spontaneously coming up with jokes for a roast of their other housemates. (Note to CBS: What about a surprise visit by a gang of evil clowns?)

If you watch online, though, you'd see some of that stuff isn't so spontaneous. During a roast a few weeks back, Eddie made a joke about house hornball Josh chasing Brittany, Jordan and Jamie, which referred to the women as "bitches." The comment didn't seem out of Eddie's character, and CBS knows that, which is why they supplied him with the joke. On the air, CBS made it look as if the joke was Eddie's doing.

You can't exactly say CBS is attempting to manipulate who people will vote for, but what they're doing is dishonest to viewers expecting the real thing.

Not only that, but they're editing out the good stuff! Do we care about watching Curtis doing a jig for the talent portion of a "Big Brother" pageant? Heck no. But we do wanna see if Josh will succeed in his quest to deflower Brittany? That's what they're watching for on the Net, and if you tuned in Monday afternoon, you would have seen them wiggling together in bed. Woo woo.

Six of the seven housemates are at risk for dismissal; the loser moves out during tonight's hourlong broadcast at 8 p.m. George, though, has far and away proven he deserves his walking papers. At the end of Monday's episode, he decided to put a towel on his head, affect a horrific Middle Eastern accent and, in a stupendous show of ignorance, call himself Genoa Big Salami. "I urge all my colleagues in the convenience-store industry to vote for George," he said, apparently not comprehending that a vote for someone takes them a step closer to banishment.

Now, I'm not saying that this numbskull shouldn't go home, but it might be interesting for you to know that He of the Tiny Intellect tried to lead a mutiny by urging the roomies to band together and walk out. The walkout never happened, of course, but it did help band the residents together against the scheming network.

And what about that banner? It seems that users of an Internet chat room on Salon.com pooled their resources to hire the plane. That, too, was never seen or explained on TV, though a second plane flew by on Monday's episode, reading "Vote George - save Brittany." Listen to those banners, folks. Like the Internet feeds, they're the real deal.

(Note to viewers: Get George OUT of there! It's only a buck! 1-900-740-1000.) Call Melanie McFarland for the cost of a local phone call at 206-325-6276 or by e-mail at mmcfarland@seattletimes.com.