Will the real offensive pop star please stand up?

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Concert previews

For previews of Britney Spears at the Gorge tonight and "Up in Smoke" - with Eminem, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Warren G, Xzibit, Kurupt and Tha Eastsidaz - at the Tacoma Dome Tuesday, see today's Ticket section.

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He's been attacked by GLAAD, NOW and parents of 12-year-old boys everywhere for his homophobic, misogynistic, X-rated lyrics. She's been overexposed (literally and figuratively), rumored to have breast implants, and boycotted by the Mississippi-based American Family Association for being too sexy too soon.

So we had to ask. Who's more offensive: Eminem or Britney Spears?

You've heard him: "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"

You've heard her: "Hit me, baby, one more time."

It doesn't matter if you would rather Eminem (aka. Slim Shady) please sit down. And shut up.

It doesn't matter if you want to hit Britney, all right - not one more time, but repeatedly.

The platinum-blond rapper with the potty mouth and the teen pop queen with the, uh, curves, are not going away. In fact, they're doing the opposite: They're coming here. Soon. Britney plays the Gorge tonight. Eminem is on the "Up in Smoke" bill at the Tacoma Dome Tuesday.

So whom would you rather not see?

Think it's a no-brainer? Think again. This is not a question people like to answer. They look pained. They crease their foreheads, and say things like, "Oh, man," and "That's a tough one." A lot of people try to cop out: "I find them equally offensive."

But say you really had to choose. Say you could actually banish one of them from the Earth, for the good of all mankind, with your answer. Who would it be?

"OK, wait, I think maybe Britney Spears is . . . worse because the evilness that exudes when she's around is very sugarcoated," said Amy Spangler, a college student who came from Ohio to Ladyfest, a weeklong celebration of women in Olympia last week. "Eminem's blatant about the fact that he's a homophobe and a racist so people can automatically just say no to Eminem, but with Britney Spears it's like, `Damn, that's a really good beat, and look, she's just a young girl and she was a Mouseketeer.' So I think there's a lot more danger there."

Britney Spears, more dangerous than Eminem? Let's see. She sings about cry, cry, crying in her lonely heart. He raps about sex, drugs, guns and killing 'N Sync. Really, can an 18-year-old from Louisiana with puppy-dog eyes and a breathy Southern drawl be that bad?

"The fact that she never finished high school and had a boob job done before she was even 18 . . . I think she's a bad role model for children," said Fiona Nidd, whose teenage daughters listen to Spears.

Rumors of breast implants flew after the teen star appeared scantily clad on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in spring '99. Spears has denied the rumors to People magazine: "Like I'm really going to get breast implants at 17?"

Still, the issue remains a hotly debated topic among fans and dissenters, with entire Web sites (try "Britney's Spheres" at http://reach.to/britneyspheres) devoted to the subject.

"Britney Spears is like a Barbie doll," said Raquel Contreras of Los Angeles. "She has absolutely no talent and she's like a puppet for corporate America."

No talent? Come on. Not everyone can dance for the length of a music video in a red vinyl cat-suit.

"I don't know who she's offending other than maybe people with serious opinions about music," said Sean Tessier, a clerk at Orpheum record store on Capitol Hill. He has a point. After all, what has bubble-gum pop ever done to you? (Other than maybe give you a headache?)

"Britney Spears is just pure pop music," said Jo Kimber, visiting Ladyfest from London. "I can see how she might make you anorexic or whatever, but she's pretty harmless. You see young girls wearing an Eminem T-shirt and you think about the lyrics and it's just wrong."

Offensive lyrics aside, it seems even those who don't count themselves fans of Eminem will agree he's got skills.

"I didn't expect to like it," Tessier said. "I thought if I listened to it and liked it, I'd be a wife-beater, but that's not the case."

Tessier likens Eminem and his latest album, "The Marshall Mathers LP," to a car wreck - "It's awful, but you've got to stop and take a look" - or a movie.

"I think of Eminem as an actor," he said. "It's a movie. It's no more offensive than `Pulp Fiction' or anything that's rated R."

But others say Eminem is worse.

"Eminem is scary because he says a lot of things that make people think certain ways of thought are more OK than they should be," said LaSara Firefox of Redwood Valley, Calif., while balancing a towheaded toddler on one hip. "I'm not offended by Britney Spears, but I feel a little sorry for her. I think it's going to be difficult for her to transition into a full-grown woman."

So maybe Brit-Brit (as she's called by family and friends) just has some growing up to do. (Or as Eminem would say, "I still have a whole lot of throwing up to spew.")

Maybe we should all let her grow up and let him throw up in peace.

"I think they have good beats. I just take what I like from it," said Brandy Buckley, aka O.blivious of the San Francisco-based punk-rock group Subtonix.

"They're just products of the MTV generation. I think they're the least of our worries."

She has weightier things on her mind. Like Mick Jagger.

"I feel that his existence is more offensive than anything else, and I think people should be worrying about the Rolling Stones right now, because they suck."

Feelings about aging rock stars aside, there is something to be said about keeping a perspective on things. After all, Eminem and Britney Spears are just a couple of cute kids - especially compared to Mick Jagger. And anyway, it's all just part of show biz.

"When I was growing up, 2 Live Crew and Tiffany were Eminem and Britney Spears," said Rob Keefe of Olympia, who describes Spears as "kind of orangeish."

Oh, well, that's comforting. Can't wait to see who's next.

--------------------------- Britney or Eminem?

Whom would you banish to the netherworld and why? Call Rant & Rave Live at 206-464-2000, category TCKT (8258), or e-mail a brief note to rantandrave@seattletimes.com.