Bloopers, blunders and boneheads

Is this mike on? Hello?...Hey, everybody, Ray Comm, big-time sports brodcaster here. Actually, this is may first paying gig since...well, let's not go into that. Anyway, The Seattle Times seemed to thing I'd be perfect for a look at sports bloopers, blunders and boneheads. Strap on your helmets!

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You have worked and trained and practiced and played for this moment _ racing downfield, shooting the jumper, announcing the game, singing the national anthem, playing the trombone. It is perfect.

You are on automatic, your body is reacting perfectly, in synchronized fury, and all falls away, even the noise from the crowd.

Time

slows

to a

craaaaawwwwwwwllllllll.

Then the noise starts to seep back into your consciousness, perhaps a teammate grabs you by the jersey and swings you around, maybe it is just that nagging voice in the back of your mind.

Suddenly, with a jolt no amount of electricity could match, you realize:

You are running toward the opponent's goal line.

Your shot is arcing, but that isn't your team's basket.

You have misidentified a player who is bound for glory.

You have forgotten the words.

You are joining your bandmates for the end of the game. The players try to run downfield; your marching band refuses to yield; Do you recall what was revealed, the day the music died?

You, with the trombone, frozen in the spotlight, watching as that Cal Bear stamps you forever with a gigantic faux pas:

Welcome to the pantheon of great sports bloopers, blunders and really boneheaded moves.

These are not the mundane, everyday errors, mistakes, misjudgments that pass through viewers' minds like so many clouds passing overhead. These are the all-star errors, the colossal mistakes on which careers might turn, the inexplicable misjudgments that can define a career.

These are the moves that make us laugh and nudge one another years and years afterward.

This is a bit of a journey through the history of goofs and gaffes, brushing away the excuses of: Oh, I meant to do that!

Few are safe from inspection: moves on the field, bad behavior by coaches, even worse behavior by fans, and worst of all, terribly blunderous quotes. And, there is the good, intentions at least: the Veecks in starring roles as promoters, music, celebrations, bonfires (OK, the timing is bad).

The student-athlete

Rod Brookin, a basketball player, was considering his academic credentials during his senior year at Pitt, and vowed: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Patriots' games

Robert Goulet earned the wrath of chauvinists when he forgot the words while singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" before the boxing match between Muhammad Ali and Sonny Liston in Lewiston, Maine. Oh, blame Canada, that is Goulet's home and native land.

Recently, the United States played host to the Czechs for a round of Davis Cup tennis.

The U.S. won, but that didn't bother the Czech players as much as the way their national anthem was botched _ a combination of the Czech and Slovak anthems were mixed and played during the opening ceremonies.

"We were all very disappointed because we told them many times before," said Czech player Slava Dosedel. "I think next time the United States comes to Czech Republic we will play the Mexican anthem."

Many baseball fans in San Diego were aghast at the bout between Roseanne and the national anthem.

Not everyone can be a Hendrix or Feliciano.

Safety is a job

Woody Hayes, best viewed from three yards through a cloud of dust, set the standard for college football sidelines.

As good as the Buckeyes were, year in and year out, Ohio State's Hayes would get a chance or two to show his stuff.

He could kick sideline yard markers for distance and placement. He could yap at officials with the best of the coaching world. He could rant and rave about the plays and at his players.

Ever wonder why he wore those throwback specs that looked as if they were safety glasses?

Because, once, his volcanic ways forced him to grab the earpiece, drag the glasses off his face and hurl them downfield _ in one motion. (At the risk of your ears, don't try this at home). The cause of the fury? Maybe the foe had just scored a safety.

don't always look at field

There was a time when football players followed a coach's orders without hesitation.

In fact, before an Alabama coach could finish shouting: "Somebody tackle that son of a ..." Tommy Lewis launched onto the field and threw the ball carrier to the ground during the Cotton Bowl in 1954.

Roy Riegels will be known forever as Wrong Way because of one play. In the 1929 Rose Bowl, the Cal lineman scooped up a fumble and took off. After a couple of steps, he reversed field. Naturally, he was running toward Georgia Tech's goal line. There were 71,104 in the stands, gasping.

A teammate, Benny Lom, ran down Riegels, grabbing him inside the 5, which allowed Georgia Tech to nail him at the 1. The next play? A safety by Georgia Tech, which won the game 8-7.

Better to give?

Who says?

Not the folks who thought of Golf Ball Day in Cincinnati. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the giveaway occurred at the height of baseball's investigation of Pete Rose on charges of gambling.

Already affronted, the Red-Rose-loving folks returned the golf balls, flinging them onto the field.

Perhaps the greatest "giveaway" in the annals of sports _ 10-cent beer night, presented by the Cleveland Indians.

Imagine _ summer, fans, cheap beer, not such a great game. Was anyone surprised by the riot?

Grandfather! Grandfather!

A young girl single-handedly changed television programming forever.

It was Nov. 17, 1968, with the Jets playing the Raiders on NBC. The network scheduled three hours for the game, which wasn't over in the allotted time. With about a minute left, it was certain the Jets would win, so NBC switched to "Heidi."

Daryle Lamonica completed a 43-yard touchdown pass with 42 seconds left.

The television audience saw spectacular views of the Swiss Alps.

On the kickoff, return man Earl Christy fumbled when he was hit hard and the Raiders recovered in the end zone for their second touchdown in nine seconds.

The television audience watched Heidi tend her goat herd.

The officiating in the game made Jets assistant Joe Walton so nutty that he earned a number of fines.

The television audience was warmed by watching that love really does make a family _ Heidi and Grandfather.

Now, the television audience watches "Joined in Progress."

What were they thinking?

When George Allen allowed President Nixon to call a play for the Washington Redskins?

When John McEnroe behaved typically on-court during the 1987 U.S. Open, then blamed it on temporary insanity, caused by the tension of he and his wife expecting their second child?

When anyone tried to be philosophical with Yogi Berra?

When thinking it would be a great idea to parachute into a boxing ring.

- Hey, let's mark the end of Disco!

Amplifying the point

A mike in the wrong hands ...

Ray Kroc, then owner of the San Diego Padres, suffered along with the fans through 8-0, 8-0 and 9-2 losses to Los Angeles in the opening series of the 1974 season. In the middle of the eighth inning of their fourth game, while the Padres trailed the Astros 9-2, Kroc took the public-address microphone and announced: "I've never seen such stupid ballplaying in my life."

But a mike in the right hands ...

Think of all the folks who scrambled to fill in for Harry Caray while the announcer was ill. During most of the games, the celebrity singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," during the seventh-inning stretch was more important than who might be coming to bat.

Everything really does revolve around Bill Murray.

Trade wins of our times

1. 1919 _ Boston trades Ruth to the Yankees: Facing financial pitfalls, Boston traded an up-and-coming Babe Ruth to the rival Yankees, a team that had never won a pennant, for cold, hard cash ($125,000 and a $300,000 loan). The Yankees went on to win seven pennants and four World Series between 1920 and 1933 and have won a total of 25 Series since. The Red Sox, meanwhile, find more ways than the Bad News Bears to lose big games. Remember Bill Buckner?

2. 1989 _ Dallas trades Herschel Walker to Vikings: With 18 players and/or draft picks involved, one had to figure someone was going to get the short end on this megadeal. The Cowboys went on to experience a rebirth as America's Team, building two Super Bowl championship teams with the four players and eight draft picks _ including three first-round picks _ they received. The Vikings learned one man can't do it all. There is no "I" in team.

3. 1988 _ Edmonton trades Wayne Gretzky to Kings: Edmonton had won four of the previous five Stanley Cups before trading Wayne Gretzky, along with Marty McSorley and Mike Krushelnyski, for two players, three first-round picks and $15 million Canadian. While the Oilers did win one more Cup, the Great Gretzky went one step higher: He brought hockey into the mainstream. 4. 1964 _ Chicago Cubs trade Lou Brock for a Card: Much like Boston did with Ruth, the Cubs traded Brock before he fully developed. Ernie Broglio, the pitcher the Cubs got, won a grand total of seven games for the Cubs over the next 2 seasons. Brock stole 855 bases in the next 15 seasons, including 118 in 1974, and entered the Hall of Fame in 1985.

5. 1980 _ Golden State trades Robert Parish to Celtics: With just a little leprechaun luck, the Boston Celtics pulled a deal that would return the one-time dynasty to glory. They sent Joe Barry Carroll and Rickey Brown to the Warriors for Parish and a 1980 first-round pick, which was used to select Kevin McHale. With Larry Bird already in Boston, the three led the Celtics to NBA titles in 1981, '84 and '86.

Unenlightened

It's not just children who say the darnedest things. But some of what adults say is so ignorant that you wonder why they bothered to open their mouths. The book of racist, homophobic, sexist or outright foolish remarks is thicker than a Sequoia, but in that book, five people deserve special attention for turning ignorance into a high art form. The best advice someone should have given these knuckleheads is: Shudd-up!!!!

1. Oddsmaker Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder on the athleticism of blacks: "Well, they've got everything _ if they take over coaching like everybody wants them to, there's not going to be anything left for the white people. I mean, all the players are black. I mean, the only thing that the whites control is the coaching jobs."

2. Former Dodger executive Al Campanis on blacks in baseball: "No, I don't believe it's prejudice. I truly believe that they may not have some of the necessities to be, let's say, a field manager or perhaps a general manager."

3. Golf analysis Ben Wright on the LPGA Tour: "Let's face facts here. Lesbians in the sport hurt women's golf."

4. Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker on New York City: "Imagine having to take the (Number 7) train to the ballpark, looking like (you're riding through) Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids."

5. Former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott on the new breed ballplayer: "I was raised to believe that men wearing earrings are fruity. I guess things have changed since then."

Daydreamers

History has a way of putting the past in perspective. Just think, at the turn of the 20th century, did anybody really think the United States would put a man on the moon? And, Holy Microsoft, could anybody have predicted a half-century of futility for the Amazin' Cubs? Not likely, but nor could these five men have seen how wrong they were about what the future held.

1. "Sixty, count 'em, 60! Let's see some son-of-a-bitch match that!" _ Babe Ruth on setting the home-run record. Sorry, Babe, but a guy named Roger Maris did you one better. And let's not even mention Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire.

2. "There is no chance of night baseball becoming popular ... high-class baseball cannot be played under artificial light." _ Washington Senator owner Clark Griffith. Yo, Mr. Griffith, nearly all games are played at night now.

3. "We should send the NBA champs to represent us in basketball at the Olympics. And, if the Russians don't like it, then tell them to go to hell." _ Indiana Coach Bob Knight on the 1976 Olympics. And the United States did, and nobody even complained much, Bob.

4. "I found out a long time ago that there is no charity in baseball and that every club owner must make his own fight for existence." _ Yankee owner Jacob Ruppert on Depression-area talk about profit sharing. What would Ruppert say about the socialistic scheme known as the "luxury tax"?

5. "He's tied up in the shoulders and can't hit an inside pitch to save his neck. If he were a white man, I doubt they would even consider him big-league material." _ Bob Feller on Jackie Robinson. See why Mr. Feller never got a job as a manager? Robinson was not only big-league material, he was a star.

Promoter's nightmare

The aim, of course, is to put fannies in the seats, and that effort has led to surprising (and embarrassing) events over the years.

1. Disco Demolition Night: Mike Veeck plus DJ Steve Dahl equaled the end of disco in 1979 and the end of any hope for the second game of the White Sox doubleheader when fans in Chicago rioted and stormed the field.

2. 10-cent Beer Night: Beer for a dime and a nice summer evening in Cleveland. Cheap brew and a ballgame: a recipe for disaster.

3. Great Easter Egg Hunt: The Las Vegas Stars combined chocolate eggs, 90-degree weather on Easter and more than 500 kids eager to find the treats. The melted eggs ruined the outfield grass.

4. Church Program Night: The Suns in Hagerstown, Md., offered: Bring the church bulletin or newsletter, get in for a buck ... until the ACLU stepped in.

5. Vasectomy Night: Mike Veeck again. In honor of Fathers' Day, the Charleston RiverDogs planned to give away a free operation ... until a local church stepped in.

Music men

Athletes have long been heralded for their abilities on the field, on the court and on the diamond, but curiously that ability doesn't always show up when they step up to the mike. The same superstar talent that makes them sports heroes rarely finds its way into their alternate careers.

Here are five of the most notable athletes who decided to trade in their cleats, sneakers and gloves for an unsuccessful foray into the music biz.

1. The Chicago Bears _ Super Bowl Shuffle: The Bears parlayed this song into a minor hit to go along with their 1985 world championship. More camp than serious, the song features performances from Jim McMahon, Walter Payton and William "The Refrigerator" Perry.

2. Shaquille O'Neal, aka Shaq Fu: O'Neal has released three albums _ Shaq Diesel, Shaq Fu _ The Return and You can't Stop the Reign. NBA fans can only hope Shaq Daddy's skills as a rapper transcend his ability to make free throws.

3. Ricky Watters _ Eye of a Hawk: Seahawk fans got a chance to hear Watters perform his debut album midway through the 1999 season. Apparently all the free time during the playoffs allows Ricky ample time to write.

4. Kobe Bryant _ Visions: The 21-year-old Laker guard wrote 16 songs for his debut album. Much of the subject matter deals with his positive outlook on the future. Not hard to do when you consider he's already signed a $71million contract and owns a six-bedroom home overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

5. Alexi Lalas _ Ginger: Lalas, a former Major League and World Cup soccer star, wrote, arranged and produced the music for this CMC records release. CMC also features artists such as Joe Cocker, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Deep Purple and Judas Priest. Judging by his label mates' absence from the pop charts in recent years, Lalas might want to keep his day job.

Unsportsmanlike

Unsportsmanlike conduct: Behavior unbecoming of an athlete in a public arena. Call it what you will, but such behavior has put more than a few high-profile figures in the limelight for the wrong reasons. This Hall of Shame could have featured mayhem away from the playing fields, but confining our scrutiny to on-field misdeeds, we left those five bad actors for people to ponder:

1. In the 1954 Cotton Bowl, Dicky Moegle of Rice took a handoff and raced down the sideline for what looked like would be a 95-yard touchdown run. Moegle, however, didn't make it to the end zone. Alabama fullback Tommy Lewis jumped off the bench _ with no helmet _ and tackled Moegle at the 'Bama 40. Referee Cliff Shaw ruled the play a touchdown. Lewis apologized to Moegle twice on the field.

2. Clemson linebacker Charlie Bauman intercepted one pass in his four-year career, but the reaction to his interception made history. Clemson had a 17-15 lead over Ohio State in the 1978 Gator Bowl when Bauman picked off Art Schlichter's pass. As Bauman stood up near the sideline, he was struck in the helmet by the right forearm of ... Ohio State Coach Woody Hayes. TV viewers saw Hayes strike Bauman, but ABC announcers Keith Jackson and Ara Parseghian missed it _ and, because of technological limitations, the incident wasn't replayed by the network. But Hayes' behavior was a hot topic after the game, and the coach was fired the next day. Twenty years later, Bauman was living in Ohio and told a reporter, "When I look at it, it's quite funny. I mean, he didn't hurt me or anything ... I didn't think much of it until the next day when everything hit the fan."

3. Of Indiana Coach Bob Knight's many tantrums, his most entertaining ended with flying furniture. Early in a February 1985 game against archrival Purdue, Knight screamed at officials for calling a foul. A technical foul was called on Knight, and Purdue's Steve Reid went to the foul line. Knight picked up a plastic chair and sent it sliding through the free-throw lane. He received a second T and a third one for continuing to shout at officials. No choking this time, though.

4. On May 15, 1912, Detroit Tiger star Ty Cobb responded to taunts from New York Yankee fans by charging into the stands. Cobb punched Claude Lueker in the face, spiked him in the leg and kicked him in the head. Lueker, who had lost one of his hands and three fingers on the other hand in a printing-press accident, had trouble defending himself. "Don't kick him," someone in the crowd shouted to Cobb. "He has no hands." An unsympathetic Cobb responded with one of the cruelest quotes ever: "I don't care if he has no feet."

5. Dave Bresnahan, a .149 hitter for the Class AA team in Williamsport, Pa., pulled one of the most creative ploys in the history of mankind Aug. 31, 1987. It started innocently, with Bresnahan, a catcher, telling the umpire his glove was broken. Bresnahan went for repairs, then returned with a new mitt and a peeled potato. There were two outs in the ninth, and Reading's Rick Lundblade was on third base. Before the next pitch reached the plate, Bresnahan switched the potato to his bare hand. After catching the pitch, Bresnahan stood up and purposely fired the potato _ a spud missile? _ over the third baseman's head in what appeared to be a wild pickoff throw. Lundblade reacted to the ploy by heading for home and was met by Bresnahan, who was holding the ball and tagged the surprised runner. Brilliant, but it didn't work. The ump credited Reading with a run and ejected Bresnahan.

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Here's the list of contributors for the Bloopers Package:

Makr McTyre, Jeff Albertson, Joan Garrett, Makr Klivastik, Tony Asuty, Tony Guadagnoli, Jeff King, dwight Perry, Chuck Ashmun, Justice B. Hill, Don Shelton, Bill Reader. Illustration by Boo David / The Seattle Times.

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