Body piercing is a classic parent-teen power struggle

DEAR JAN: My 16-year-old sonwent behind my back while I was on vacation and had his tongue pierced. When I found out about it, I made him remove it. He also confessed that he lied to the piercing company about his age, claiming to be 18 years old.

I am in a quandary. I'm upset with him for rebelling and lying. Yet, on the other hand, I don't want to cause him to rebel even more and become distant.

I've explained my reasoning; he's unconvinced my reasons are valid. Any advice you provide would be helpful in this tense situation.

Thanks,

- A Dad DEAR Dad: You are in a classic parent-teen power struggle. When such episodes occur, don't hesitate to reprimand your child for his actions. "I'm angry and disappointed. I told you my opinion about tongue piercing, but then you had it done anyway. I'm also disappointed you lied to the company about your age."

Once you've stated your disapproval, let it rest. Your son is a teen, separating from you, developing his fledgling adult identity, and can't agree with you outright. If he did, he would be submitting to dependency, which is unthinkable at this age. Rebellion occurs with teens in different ways. Some take to drinking and smoking, which are dangerous and worrisome. Others alter their appearance with piercings and tatooings which to adults are annoying and unappealing.

In this situation you have three options:

1. Assert your power and control. Tell your son, as you did, to remove his tongue ring. If your son complies without further discussion, so be it. He doesn't need to apologize or admit he was wrong. Removing it as told is all that's really relevant here.

Now watch him. Notice if he now rebels in ways that are more dangerous or destructive. If he does, you might reconsider allowing the pierced tongue. It's a safe and easily remedied (pierced tongues heal quickly) way to define himself as separate from you. It's definitely better than a more dangerous alternative.

2. Compromise. Tell him you don't like the pierced tongue but you realize it's his body. He alone controls how he treats it. But ask him if he would please remove the tongue ring when home and for family and holiday gatherings. Such compromises are often effective as children travel the developmental years, taking on more and more control of their own lives.

3. Drop it. State your disapproval but tell your son you realize you can't control what he does to his body. Then drop back. Don't talk about it further unless you can skillfully inject some humor into the situation. Drop it particularly if you think by asserting your control - making him remove it - you'll only up the power plays between you and your son. This could deteriorate your relationship and cause more rebellion.

The magic of this option is that by disapproving, but still claiming the truth - that you're not able to control what he does to his body - often the issue loses its importance. Your son may come to realize the tongue pierce is irritating, unattractive, and no longer necessary to prove his independence. It simply becomes a nonissue.

On the proactive side, step back and ask yourself if there's some way you can give your son more power and control in positive ways - more responsibility, more freedom, more decision-making ability. Also realize tongue piercing may not be about you and your child's relationship at all. It may be about an element in the popular culture that influenced your son beyond what you're able to leverage. Also, tongue piercing may represent being part of a peer group that offers camaraderie and support for your adolescent as he breaks away from you to eventually stand on his own as an adult.

What do you teens think? What's your opinion? What should a parent do? Why do teens pierce their bodies?

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.