If a country ends in -stan, it's where adventure starts

Would you chuck that luxury trip for one that goes beyond reckless extremes - and makes no promise to bring you back alive? A trip that leaves sanity, sanitation and edible food behind? If so, you're Ted Rall's kind of traveler: "Totally nuts."

Rall has excellent credentials for the role of creator, guide and guerrilla commandant of Stan Trek 2000, a conceptual tour de farce of countries whose names end in "stan": Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, Kazakstan, Tajikistan - areas that won independence when the Soviet Union broke apart in the early 1990s.

"It's adventure travel for people who want to go where they're not wanted; it's not for the weak of heart, but for the weak of mind," Rall says, only half in jest.

Rall, an award-winning political cartoonist, author and radio talk-show host, says the idea began as radio satire and soon became an actual itinerary, with 15 people signed on and about 30 more on the cusp. (State Department travel warnings are in effect for Kazakstan and Tajikistan.)

"I've had this weird central-Asia obsession for years," Rall, 36, explained. "My mom got National Geographic for me, and one issue had a glossy pullout photo of magnificent mountains in Kazakstan, with text describing it as the most rugged, most remote place on Earth. I've wanted to go there ever since."

In 1997 and 1999, Rall and a friend traveled "the stans." They poked into places where Rall says he feared for his life, limbs and intestines, as parasitic insurgents struck from within.

Rall says he came up with "Stan Watch" "as a sort of satire - breaking news from countries nobody cares about. I wanted to make the point that Americans don't care about foreign news or what happens overseas. I chose countries I thought they'd least want to hear about."

But a funny thing happened.

"I discovered I was wrong. There's immense hunger for news from overseas. The `Stan Watch' became the most popular feature on the show - a kind of cult thing. I get tons of mail from people who feel involved, compelled to go there."

So Rall put together "an anti-tour tour," a group of family, friends and listeners who would gallantly "do this thing that definitely should not be done."

Why not?

"It's dangerous as hell. We could be killed, robbed, kidnapped - these are all former Soviet republics, after all. There are Taliban terrorists everywhere . . . whole countries full of professional terrorists," he said.

A staffer at Uzbekistan's embassy in Washington, D.C., was not amused by Rall's hyperbole. The man would not identify himself, but asked this pointed question: "Let's say a friend calls from Uzbekistan and says he heard that kids are shooting other kids in American schools - and police are killing innocent people. He wants to come here but he's afraid. Would you tell him not to come? Would you tell him to stay home? Of course not. It is safe. Also in Uzbekistan.

"We have the rich history, the cities 2,500 years old, the warm hospitality and unbelievable cuisine."

For Rall, "the stans" are an exotic mix of Communist residue with Islamic fundamentalism, combined with Turkic cultures and a free-market capitalism so berserk on black-market schemes that "you can buy your own nuke at a flea market for $1,200."

"To be quite fair," said Bill Smith, 31, a Rhino Records executive who lives in Los Angeles, "I think Ted's overstating it. He's known to exaggerate almost everything. It's part of his humor." Smith plans to wed Rall's sister-in-law Alice Chang in Uzbekistan, at a building so beautiful that "Genghis Khan wept when he saw it and refused to let his men burn it down."

"I think (the trip) will change my perspective on life," Smith said. "It may make me more conscious of what I have and more thankful to have it."

The real point of the trip, despite Rall's negative rhetoric, is the same thing that has motivated travelers forever: the search for the exotic, for adventure, for beauty.

"Hey, you'll be in the most remote part of the world. You won't see a Taco Bell or a 7-Eleven anywhere. You will see the romantic city of Samarkand, in Uzbekistan," Rall said. "It's astonishing - right up there in beauty with Paris, France."

The tourists will stay in what Rall calls "the best hotels available in each city" because "it's important to treat yourself on a trip this tough."

Air fare will cost roughly $1,500, and he's asking each person to bring $2,000 to cover food and hotels.

More information

Ted Rall's Web site is www.tedrall.com