Be patient and accepting with the high-maintenance child

Do you have a high-maintenance child? If you do, you might recognize these characteristics: She is busy, flitting from one activity to another. She is irregular in her daily schedule; you never know when she'll eat or sleep. She has difficulty warming up and getting comfortable in new situations, but once she does, she causes a scene when it's time to leave.

With the high-maintenance child, routines are difficult to establish. And once they're set, change becomes difficult. This child is extremely sensitive to noise, light and commotion, stimulating him to the point of being out of control.

His mood is often negative. Any emotion - happiness, sadness, anger - is expressed with intensity. He is easily distracted; however, if he wants one more cookie, he's extremely persistent.

Parents sometimes wonder: "What have I done wrong? Why is life such a challenge for my child? Why can't my child be like others?"

Be assured: You've done nothing wrong. Your child was born with this temperament. However, how you handle your child can magnify or minimize his temperamental characteristics.

Your high-maintenance child needs constant monitoring. Understand that forcing change only accentuates her demanding temperament. You know the recipe for success: patience, understanding and acceptance.

Some ingredients that can make this recipe a reality:

-- You may think your child is aggressive, strong-willed, negative, naughty, difficult or high maintenance, but don't say those labels out loud for your child to hear. Labels can give a child a negative view of himself.

-- Prepare your child for new situations and activities. Before he starts school, goes on an airplane or attends a family reunion, let him know what will be happening and lay out your expectations.

-- Avoid situations where your child is repeatedly out of control. If going to the grocery store causes problems, have someone stay home with the child while you shop (or shop over the Internet). This isn't just an easy way out; it's the best way to manage a perpetually difficult and embarrassing situation.

-- Ease into new situations. Go 15 minutes early to birthday parties. This way your child has a chance to warm up. If halfway through the party you sense your child is becoming overstimulated, graciously say goodbye and leave. If your child could control himself, he would.

-- Avoid a lot of change all at once. Don't move, fly to Disneyland and buy a new puppy all in the same month. Your child simply does not have the coping skills for it all.

-- Give choices whenever possible to prevent power plays. Establish a few reasonable rules and enforce them consistently. High-maintenance children test rules longer and harder than others. Safety rules are best, because you know you'll enforce them without fail.

-- Establish simple routines and schedules for your child. This makes life safe and predictable.

-- Try not to scream back, retaliate, throw your own tantrum or give in to your child's unreasonable requests. Maintaining your cool is difficult when your high-maintenance child pushes you to the limit.

-- Take breaks away from your child. This is where grandparents can play an important role. Separation can work to everyone's benefit.

-- Remove your child when he's out of control. Hold him. Speak quietly in a soothing tone of voice. Rock him until he regains his emotional equilibrium.

The high-maintenance child is exciting. He has a strong personality, lots of energy and a zest for life. Reasonably adjusting your life is well worth the effort.

For more information, read "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka ($13; Harper Perennial Library).

Jan Faull, a specialist in child development and behavior, answers questions of general interest in her column. You can e-mail her at janfaull@aol.com or write to: Jan Faull, c/o Families, The Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111.