I Hate To Be A Meathead, But Archie Bunker's Wrong

SEX, in big bold print. GUN, in equally eye-catching letters.

It used to be that the word sex in advertisements was guaranteed to arouse the baser instincts in all men, young and old. But the American love affair with guns has gotten to the point that it's hard to tell which three-letter word is most stimulating.

I thought I'd seen it all in the ongoing gun-control debate, but some congressional leaders have slithered down to a new low. Several weeks ago, a picture in The New York Times showed a group of lawmakers at a news conference at which they were expressing their opposition to gun-control laws. It wasn't what they said that was so outrageous, it was what they did.

Accompanying these "leaders" on center stage were five life-sized cardboard cutouts of police officers. Gosh, Wally. I guess that means Officer O'Malley down the street thinks like they do. Is public opinion really that easily manipulated?

I have to admit that the life-sized cutout of Tyra Banks at my local convenience store got me to purchase a six pack of a particular beer, but even I'm not falling for this one. The picture was taken from behind to pointedly show the fake law-enforcement officers, but would it surprise anybody if one of them had been Charlton Heston?

Honolulu and now Seattle have joined the growing list of cities where nut cases with guns have randomly shattered several lives. With each new shooting that hits the news, the same voices trot out the same tired rationale. If only someone on the scene had a gun they could've stopped the carnage. Some brilliant thinkers even want to arm school teachers and administrators.

Without question, there is a certain irrefutable logic to their argument. I call it the "Archie Bunker Theory," after the first person I heard expressing similar views.

In the mid-'70s, good old Archie had a sure-fire (pun intended) method to stop the rash of "skyjackings." Simply hand out guns to all the passengers as they board the plane and no one would dare try anything. Makes perfect sense, right?

There were two separate incidents in Dallas several years ago that demonstrate possible problems with the "more guns, safer streets" logic. The first involved a businessman who was working late. Needing something from his car, he took his gun along for protection. In his hand, loaded, cocked. When he rounded a corner, someone knocked him on the head with a baseball bat and robbed him. Took his gun, too. Luckily, he was not shot with his own weapon.

The second incident ended differently. An off-duty police officer, ostensibly thoroughly trained in the use of firearms, was at a public park late at night. He and his girlfriend were standing outside their car talking when a group of young toughs approached. Sensing trouble, the officer surreptitiously pulled his weapon and had it in his hand behind his back when he was shot and killed.

If a trained policeman can't handle the heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushing threat of imminent danger, what chance does your average Joe or Jane have?

This is not written by some ultra-liberal firearms hater. On my 12th birthday, I gleefully unwrapped my first gun. A single-shot, bolt-action, .22-caliber rifle. My father was an active NRA member for many years, and he took my best friend and me to gun-safety classes when we were 11. At his death, I inherited two handguns I now have at home.

Yes, I know how to use them. The hand-eye coordination necessary to be a proficient welder means that anyone who can run a rod worth a lick can also shoot pool and guns. Several years ago, I accompanied my boss to an indoor range and undiplomatically outshot him with his own weapon.

I don't hate guns, and neither do most Americans who think they should be registered and their access controlled. We simply don't need a bunch of Archie Bunkers running around packin' heat. The ridiculously easy availability of cheap handguns, which allows any teenager with raging hormones and an attitude problem to get a weapon, needs to be seriously curtailed.

Personally, I'd feel a lot safer if young boys were still trying to make themselves feel like men by getting . . . er, finding sex, not finding guns. ------------------------------- Poulsbo welder Richard Klovdahl's column appears alternate Wednesdays on editorial pages of The Times.