Twinless Twins Experience Deep Loss -- Death Of Lauren Bessette Highlights Unique Emotions

Karen Mickey of Holyoke, Mass., is one of those smart single women who runs her own business. She's 46, energetic, friendly. She emanates warmth. But she says that when she lost her sister Kathy, she lost half of herself.

The two were identical twins.

Ever since Kathleen ("Kathy") Shannon died of cancer last year, "I literally feel like half of me is gone," Mickey says.

Twins who survive their twins have been dealt one of the cruelest of blows. Divorce and suicide abound in their ranks. But it took the fate of identical twin Lauren Bessette, who died in the plane crash that also claimed John F. Kennedy Jr. and his wife, Carolyn Bessette, to draw attention to their unique plight.

"Unless you're a twin yourself, you can't understand the bond that's there," says Susan Alt, editor of Colorado-based Twins Magazine in a phone interview. "Siblings are often very close, but there's something different about twins. Their bond is forged in utero."

Alt says studies have shown that the death of a twin is especially hard when the pair is identical.

No one knows that better than Dr. Raymond Brandt, founder of an international support group called Twinless Twins, based in Fort Wayne, Ind.

"The moment we heard of the tragedy, and learned that Lauren was a twin, my thoughts went immediately to her twin, Lisa," says Brandt, whose group publishes two magazines, Twinless Times and TwinsWorld.

Brandt and his identical twin brother, Robert, were 20 years old and working on a construction site when Robert was killed by 7,200 volts of electricity.

That was 50 years ago. For Brandt, the first five years after Robert's death were a plunge into the "abyss." Now 70, a decorated Korean War veteran and a former product-safety engineer, he still feels a hole in his life.

And he says nobody but a twin can understand.

"Twins grieve very differently from a single-birth person," Brandt says, "and they grieve for a lifetime."

He started Twinless Twins 13 years ago. It now has a membership of more than 2,000 worldwide.

One of those members is Robert Yarmey of Pittsfield, Mass. His identical twin, Alan, was killed in a plane crash in 1991. For years after his brother's death, Yarmey was so stunned that he thought he was losing his mind.

The brothers were both commercial pilots, with a passion for flight that dated back to childhood.

"Ever since we were little kids, we were flying radio-controlled airplanes," says Yarmey.

Handsome and genial, with an irrepressible "can-do" attitude, the brothers grew into successful commercial pilots. Alan piloted celebrities like Robert Redford. The pair's friendly rivalry made them even better at what they did. "We were both so excited about each other's achievements and accomplishments," Yarmey says.

Then Robert Yarmey crashed on a flight in Texas. The plane was demolished, and he was rushed to an intensive-care unit. He survived, but both his legs had to be amputated.

"My twin brother re-trained me and helped me overcome my disability," he says. Today, wearing two over-the-knee prostheses, he is again a successful commercial pilot and flight instructor.

But five years after his crash, Alan's plane went down. This time it was fatal. Alan died.

What happened after that is a fog, Yarmey says. "I went through two years of struggling. I'd ask myself, `Am I losing it? Should I be committed?' "

People kept telling him to get over it, to get on with his life. Instead, his marriage fell apart. He says most mental-health professionals, even those with the best intentions, don't know what a surviving twin goes through.

Finally, Yarmey found Twinless Twins. "My greatest relief came when someone put me in touch with Dr. Brandt," he says.

"There's nothing like a twin talking to a twin," Brandt says. "We tell them: You will grieve for the rest of your life. But we're all survivor twins, and we will help you get through this thing."

"Twinship has a bond that does not cease until both are deceased," Brandt says. "Twins don't mourn loss; they mourn separation. The bond has been fractured and stressed, but it hasn't been broken."

In the midst of her grief, Karen Mickey still feels a connection with her twin Kathy.

She continues to talk to Kathy every day, she says. She has come to feel that her twin is protecting her and helping her succeed.