A Bridge To Our Elders -- With `Another Country,' Mary Pipher Looks At The Gap Between Boomers And Their Aging Parents

"The only thing worse than having aging parents is not having aging parents. The old-old die by inches. At first, Father can no longer jog, than he can no longer take long walks or do heavy lifting. Later, he gives up foreign travel and flying, with all its stresses. Finally, he can't drive the car. At first, Mother is no longer the best cook in the country, then the children worry that she will poison herself with spoiled food or burn down the house. Families must adjust to each lost `inch.' " - Mary Pipher, author of "Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders." -------------------------------

Mary Pipher nudges you, however gently, to face that inevitable fear.

You know the one. It flits in the corner of the mirror, trying to catch your eye: You're aging. Your parents are aging, too. And it all leads in one direction.

In Pipher's latest book - another of her societal wake-up calls - she has once again tapped the emotional mother lode, this time grappling with the aging gap in "Another Country" (Riverhead Books, $24.95).

"In general there is a tendency to pretend the old are more like us than they really are," Pipher writes. "My goal is to map out the terra incognita between old people and their children, to help each generation understand the other."

Pipher says face it. Talk about what's on your mind: money or health concerns. Lay to rest grudges over a strict upbringing or disappointment about a lifestyle choice. It could be the best thing you'll ever do for your parents -and for you.

That, and the gift of time.

"Another Country" refers to the boundary between the pre- and baby-boom generations. Pipher sees a divide between baby boomers - immersed in Sigmund Freud, popular psychology and the need to talk out issues - and their parents, raised to be "nice" and not complain. Conflict arises when an adult child wants to air family problems or discuss the emotional health of an older parent who thinks these topics are better left unaddressed.

"In my point of view, an ideal person would have aspects of our parents' coping skills and the baby boomers' coping skills," Pipher said.

All four of her books have mapped out issues of emotional health; two were New York Times best-sellers. She'll be in Seattle on Friday and Saturday to promote her latest book.

In it, the popular clinical psychologist gets as folksy as one can while writing about emotional health, growing old and dying.

She softens difficult topics with poetry by the likes of Raymond Carver, Goethe, Jane Kenyon. She even lists the recipe for Sally's Surprise Muffins.

And she leads chapters with quotes that give pause, such as Alex Haley's "The death of an old person is like the burning of a library," and Golda Meir's "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there is nothing you can do about it."

If the parent track passed you by, you may never have heard of Pipher. But for many parents of daughters, she became a Dr. Spock of female adolescence with her 1994 bestseller, "Reviving Ophelia." In it she exposed a "girl-poisoning culture" preying on a girl's self-image and confidence.

"The Shelter of Each Other," Piper's 1996 bestseller, described how materialism and lack of time affects families. Her first book, "Hunger Pains," looked at how popular culture negatively shapes a woman's body image.

Pipher says hers are not how-to books. Rather, they paint the emotional landscape of the issue and leave it to the reader to decide what, if anything, should be done. Yet the portraits she paints of the people she's interviewed or counseled are so vivid, they compel people to act.

"There was an enormous wave of change, of starting programs for teenage girls - Ophelia Projects - to work to change the culture of teenagers in their town," Pipher said in a recent phone interview. She said the movement was sparked by her book as well as others, such as Carol Gilligan's "In a Different Voice."

Pipher doesn't pretend to be a know-it-all. Nebraskans she claims as her specialty. Lincoln, Neb., is where Pipher and her husband Jim, a musician and psychologist, raised their grown son and daughter. But she sees a country and its collective psyche divided more by generation than by region.

"The stories are local, but I truly hope they speak to more universal aspects of experience," Pipher said. "I feel that if I accurately describe experiences, there are people in Seattle who have to understand."

Pipher, who has a clinical psychology practice in Lincoln, is midway through a monthlong nationwide book tour. Her wealth of speaking events rouses a contradiction between her private writer self and her public persona. Strangers often approach her seeking advice, feeling an intimacy from reading her books. They forget she is not familiar with them. In "Another Country," she tries to bridge this intimacy gap with poetry - hoping it will offer solace.

"I hope this book shows people how valuable poetry can be in their lives," Pipher said. "I really think a lot of the issues are so imbued with meaning and just are so intense it is really hard to write well about them without poetry."

In the book, Pipher illustrates the dueling perspectives of the pre- and baby boomers with verses by Robert Service and Alan Ginsberg, signature poets for each generation:

"Comfort," by Service:

Say! You've struck a heap of trouble -

Bust in business, lost your wife;

No one cares a cent about you,

You don't care a cent for life;

Hard luck has of hope bereft you,

Health is failing, wish you'd die -

Why, you've still the sunshine left you

And the big, blue sky . . .

"America," by Ginsberg:

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing . . . I don't feel good don't bother me. I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind. America will you be angelic? Will you take off your clothes?

What could this Nebraska psychologist possibly know about you or your parents? Well, Pipher's mother died five years ago after a long illness. Her father died more than two decades ago, debilitated by strokes.

"When we were teenagers, our parents really didn't understand us," Pipher wrote. "We were the ones from another country. . . . Now our parents are old and . . . they need our understanding."

Pipher says family members could ease the anxiety of an elderly person's move to an institution by screening meals and activities before choosing a place. Are activities just on paper, and are the residents sedated in their rooms?

"In my opinion, people tend to pay too much attention to the architecture and furniture," Pipher said. "The question should be what percentage of patients are on medications, particularly mind-altering medications?"

But shouldn't elders be writing about elders? "Another Country" has the feel of someone who is gazing into, not out of, old age. Nonetheless, Pipher still manages to capture what it looks like in there.

"In the last century and early 1900s, death was a familiar experience to everyone," Pipher wrote. Most people died at home. All ages were aware of what it looked like to grow old and die, more familiar with what it felt like to be old. Now many people can choose not to witness aging and death until it looks them in the face.

Pipher hopes to strike a chord with both generations; already, she's heard favorable reviews from senior-citizen groups. She also hopes the book persuades you to involve yourself in the lives of people aging around you: "The more we love and respect our elders, the more we teach our children to love and respect us," Pipher wrote. ------------------------------- Author to speak

Mary Pipher will speak at two events: 5-6:30 p.m. Friday at a Women for Healthcare Equity through Reform and Education (WHERE) fund-raiser at the Rainier Club, 820 Fourth Ave., Seattle (tickets $100 each), 206-325-7928; and 2 p.m. Saturday at Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way N.E. in Lake Forest Park (free), 206-366-3333.