A Reboot Into Eternity: The Righteous Path To Gates' Heaven

To: Top 100 Religious Leaders From: Bill Gates

Summit Invite cc: Ramtha, Love Israel Family, Dale Turner

I know you're busy with Easter, but it's a down day for me. Let me confess, I'm losing the faith lately. I've donated zillions, given away my secrets in a new book and stopped dancing in public. People still hate me. There's no justice in this world. Strike that: Justice is defragging our disc in D.C.

Recent events have made me realize the real worth of things, like family, friends and Winslow Homer paintings. Now I spend time between subpoenas and consent decrees searching for deeper meaning. I keep humming that song, "What's it all about, Alfie?" and mean it. Every time I see the Mac logo - an apple with a bite taken out - I think of our fall from grace.

Each year I invite 100 top business people to a summit in Seattle, but this year is different. I'm inviting you church folks, not those old white business magnates who are probably - let's be honest here - going to hell.

Please join me next month for a spiritual summit that I call Allahpalooza. It's a solemn gathering of diverse faiths to discuss cutting-edge stuff. Our Web site has all the information you'll need: RamaDan.com/hotels/motels/html. At this time the site cannot be opened with a Netscape browser, but we're working on it.

Each denomination will have 10 minutes to present its take on Truth and The Hereafter. Let me know if you require an overhead projector. After dinner (no fighting over who says the blessing), I'll select one religion for a strategic merger.

I'm the best partner you'll find this side of Zion. Don't forget, my top- selling product is called Word. The average offering plate would have to be passed around the Earth a thousand times to equal what I spend on Cup-A-Soups for our paralegals.

Your church/mosque/Kingdom Hall could use this capital to grow market share and attract millions of new adherents. Imagine being able to say, "Would you like a crisp $50 bill to go with that Watchtower magazine?" Or you could:

1. Feed the hungry.

2. Clothe the poor.

3. Heal the sick.

4. Endow a physics department.

You could have Martha Stewart splash some color around the old monastery. Build a high-tech house of worship partly underground as a hedge against Armageddon (I'll give you the plans). Invest in R&D - nacho-flavored communion wafers sound good to me. Hare Krishnas could buy the whole airport. There's enough money that the Latter-day Saints could be early. We'd have to negotiate patents, but imagine your orthodoxy introducing Stained Glass Windows, the operating system for true believers. Why download when you can upload?

The physical world I've mastered, but paradise has me worried. They say a rich man can enter heaven as easily as a camel can pass through the eye of a needle. Actually, it is possible to bioengineer an itty-bitty dromedary - Craig McCaw and I are doing it. Craig loves animals. He even has a pet whale he takes around the world with him.

When my time is up and the angel of darkness asks that age-old question, "Where do you want to go today?," I want to say, "Presidential Suite. Sri Rajneesh made reservations," and get back to E-Trades. Having the Pearly Gates renamed for me would be cool.

To prep for the world beyond, I've conducted an exhaustive theological survey using Encarta 95. I've listened to the Bible on tape, both new and old cassettes, scanned the Koran and talked to Nathan Myhrvold, who is Jewish or something.

To attain true peace, each religion establishes rituals, beliefs and a code of behavior. Code. Who knows more about code than me? And who knows more about salvation than you guys? Together we can hack into heaven.

Mormons get it. They require personalized magnetic cards to enter the main church: "Beep beep beep - Mr. Phelps, you are cleared to pray." Technology and theology in holy matrimony.

I haven't yet come across the engine that drives the evermore. In what currency is our final reward: drachmas, manna, karma, prison scrip? Maybe there's bartering: Heaven's like Cuba!

Supreme enlightenment might be fine for some people, but I'll be bored to death. Here's where you come in, my new DOS amigos. Having accomplished plenty here on earth, I want to embrace and extend eternity. I want to compete with the All-Knowing for soul-share. To get into the game, I need to acquire the most righteous platform out there and reinvent it with Microsoft icons, not those spooky old religious ones from the Byzantine era (though I own digital rights to both).

I call on the ecclesiastic community to help me boot-up my loot when my time comes to vertically integrate. I'll use my wealth to seed a post-global economy by which we can all prosper. I'm talking real portability here. We know Jesus saves. Now let's see Him invest.

If you come up with the winning plan, I will tithe 10 percent of my earnings to your ministry. I'll give jobs to your flock. And your thrift shop gets my collection of sweaters and Mad magazines. (You must be a tax-exempt 501 (c) 3 organization, or Accounting will go nuts.) For your proposal to have merit, you'll need to predict a specific act of God, like a tsunami or who will bear Mick Jagger's next child.

I look forward to continuing this discussion at our most pious assembly, continental breakfast provided. Other invitees include the pope, Dali Llama, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, The Amazing Kreskin and John Travolta, who's a Scientologist.

May the force be with you. Shalom.

Mitchell Fox's e-mail is MitchellFx@aol.com. He has a surge protector to guard against lightning bolts.