Site-Seeing -- ''Twisted Tunes''

--------------- Web site review ---------------

XXX "twisted TUNES" Bob Rivers http://www.twistedtunes.com

Before some reader castigates me for promoting coarse or crude content - be forewarned: Some content on this site may be unsuitable for those over 18.

Old songs with new lyrics form the core appeal of this Web site. There's gold here, but some of these retooled oldies possess a high schooler's irreverence.

For those not wishing to revisit adolescence . . . well, that's what they invented the "stop" button for. As its name implies, "Twisted Tunes" takes some licenses. It is the brainchild of KISW-FM radio personality Bob Rivers, a former musician who has been "making" such songs for about 15 years.

What I found most remarkable is the overall quality of the music. It is produced with a little help from Rivers' friends who gather in the studio-garage of his North Bend home.

Call me aurally challenged, but I wanted to know when Tom Jones, Bob Dylan and Steve Miller, among other artists, re-recorded their old hits with Rivers' lyrics. Asked about stepping on original artists' rights, Rivers said he stays in legal bounds by editing the song down to parody length, and taking only as much of the original as necessary.

With the Mariners '99 baseball season nearly upon us, and Bobby Ayala unaccountably still on the team roster (at least as of this writing), consider these painfully appropriate lyrics to the strains of Jones' "Delilah:"

I still remember the night when his hand broke that window.

I miss that wandering strike zone that he cannot find.

He was our closer; now when he pitches I watch and go out of my mind.

Why, why, why, Ayala?

My, oh my, Ayala.

It's plain to see that he cannot throw strike three.

His fast ball's a big fat tomato that lands in the seats.

Late in the game when they go to the pen, folks start leaving,

I cross my fingers although we're still leading by four.

Oh no! It's Ayala! Lou puts that ball in his hand and runs start to score.

Why, why, why Ayala?

Why, Lou, why, Ayala?

Please before he throws another ball four.

Forgive me, Piniella; I can't watch Ayala no more.

Forgive me, Piniella; I can't watch Ayala no more.

Actually, you don't get to download the lyrics - or the songs in "CD quality" - unless you're a paying customer. The site sells CDs and also offers a yearly membership ($24.99) that entitles you to download 96 songs.

But listening over the Internet won't cost you anything as long as you're content with streaming audio quality, which is plenty adequate to enjoy the humor.

When I first visited the site several weeks ago, I found performance buggy, including problems getting Microsoft's Windows Media Player to play tunes. (The player is required to enjoy the site, and if you don't have it, a link is conveniently provided to download it).

I no longer encounter that problem, though I was momentarily baffled by the player's new look. In some instances, instead of launching separately, it is now embedded in the Web page and sports different control buttons.

A couple of nits: Even though VIP membership promises lyrics, some songs lack them, and many of those with lyrics available contain gross punctuation and spelling errors. Also, a nice and appropriate touch would be to credit the original artist and song title (the artists and titles named in this review come from me, not the site).

More than 200 songs are available - most but not all contributed by Rivers and his crew. New tunes move to the virtual "vault" after they've been showcased on the home page.

Rivers adds some topical punch to his playful lyrics. For example, as of a few days ago, the home page featured a rendition of Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth," which takes aim at reckless snowboarders. It starts like this:

There's dumb things happening here.

A bunch of kids and they got no fear.

There's a dude with a snowboard there.

And the sign says: Hey moron beware!

It says: stop hey, what's that sound?

Great big avalanche coming down!

And we can't close this review without some of Rivers' inspired rewrite of Dylan's "Like a Rollin' Stone," entitled "Ally McBeal:"

Once upon a time you looked so fine,

Monday night at 9 on Fox Prime time . . . 'm diggin' you

People call said hey girl, yer eatin' like a squirrel, sneakin' off to hurl

You did now, didn't you?