Darrell Hay -- Unsightly Hoofprints And Other Seasonal Nuisances

Q: I noticed a bit of red fabric and what appears to be white hair inside my fireplace yesterday morning. Come to think of it, this occurred last year about this time. What could this possibly be and how do I keep it from occurring again?

A: A little red fabric and white hair never really hurt a fireplace; I wouldn't worry too much about it. When this occurs, you may want to have your chimney cleaned. Once-a year-chimney cleaning isn't a bad idea anyway. If you want to stop this from occurring, you could simply behave very badly during the next year, or install a chimney cap rain diverter with a solid metal screen. That should keep whatever is getting in, out.

Q: There has been a rash of break-ins in our neighborhood. Night prowlers seem to have hit many houses. I have seen furtive looking characters jumping from roof to roof. The police have been totally unresponsive and told me to sleep it off. What can we do to protect ourselves?

A: Did they arrive in silent black helicopters? Then, relax and get a good night's rest. They're only after your milk and cookies

Q: I awoke yesterday morning to find several lumps of coal on my living room floor. The carpet is stained, and I have no idea how this coal got in.

A: Sounds like you haven't been on your best behavior this last year. Then again, maybe it is those dastardly air pressure changes that we've talked about so much in this column. Sucked the coal

right in through the front door. Amazing. Thought I'd heard it all.

Q: My roof is totally thrashed. Holes, gouges and dents everywhere. Almost as if a herd of horses was romping around or someone had taken a jackhammer and a pair of snow skis to it. It leaks like a sieve and it's only a few years old. What are my options?

A: You have three options as I see it: A) Let it leak and enjoy it. B) Tarp it and be the talk of the neighborhood. C) Replace it. And by the way, there is a class-action lawsuit settlement on behalf of many claimants like you with severely damaged roofs. For more information write to: Bad Landings Roof Settlement, c/o S. Claus, North Pole. An independent inspector will come to your home to determine if you can become a member of the class. As always, you are free to seek legal remedy outside the class.

Q: There is a high-pitched, somewhat random noise coming from somewhere in our house. My husband and me cannot figure out where it is coming from. We are going crazy. Please help us before we go insane and pull each other's hair out!

A: You wouldn't happen to have white hair would you? The noise you are hearing is what power shoppers and pest control professionals refer to as a "Furby." Talk to the noise; it will hear you and respond. Move slowly, but deliberately toward it. Do not alarm it. Casually reach toward its soft underbelly and affix a small Phillips screwdriver. Turn the screwdriver in a counter-clockwise direction. Remove the four AA batteries. Enjoy the peace, however fleeting it may be.

Q: The power to the Christmas lights I strung keeps going out. The 10 strings on the upper roof, the six strings on the cedar in the front yard, the lights around the pool, lower floor roof, the flashing interior tree lights and the exterior perimeter strings all go out at the same time. I reset the breaker and it happens again. Would a second extension cord help?

A: If only your house weren't lit up like Las Vegas Boulevard . . . The Bonneville Power Administration has direct feeds from the power grid with commercial rates (like the aluminum smelters get) if that would help you next year.

Q: I awoke and found my whole house had been robbed. They took our stockings, tree, presents, food, firewood. Everything. The only speck of food left in the whole house, was a crumb much too small for even a mouse. Signed, Cindy-Lou.

A: This guy sounds like a real Grinch. Did he take the pudding and Roast Beast, too? Just keep the spirit of the holiday season in your heart and he'll be back with the loot and all the fixins'. Trust me here, Cindy-Lou.

Happy holidays everyone,

Darrell

Ask The Expert answers readers' questions every Saturday. Send questions to Ask The Expert, Seattle Times, P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111, or call 206-464-8514 to leave your questions on Ask The Expert's recorded line. E-mail address is dhay@seattletimes.com

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