`When Nothing Matters Anymore' -- Kurt Cobain's Cousin Reaches Out To Help Depressed Teens With Stories Of Others Who've Weathered The Storm

Aug 17, 1998

Ian Ith

Seattle Times Staff Reporter

Bev Cobain never met her cousin, Kurt Cobain. But as she watched his whirlwind metamorphosis into a grunge-rock idol, she looked through television screens and magazine photos into his pleading, angst-ridden eyes. And they were familiar.

She, too, has those teardrop eyes - subtly and subconsciously frowning, even when she smiles. She, too, knew what it was like to grow up in Aberdeen, the child of a dysfunctional family. And as a psychiatric nurse who herself suffers from major depression, she recognized the symptoms. She knew her cousin needed help.

"I really tried to get in touch with him," she said. " I was proud that a Cobain was doing so wonderfully, and I was sad he was in such pain. I wanted to tell him he was in trouble. I wondered if he knew."

She doesn't know if he ever got her messages. Kurt Cobain's self-inflicted shotgun blast in April 1994 ended his battle with manic depression.

Instead, the 57-year-old Bev Cobain found herself lending comfort to teenagers who idolized her cousin, who was the same age as her own eldest son. They wanted her advice as a professional and as Kurt's cousin. They wanted to know why they felt depressed, hopeless and suicidal, and why the Nirvana frontman's death crushed them.

"I wanted the kids to know that role models make bad decisions, too," Bev Cobain said. "Kurt was a wonderful role model in many respects, but he made a bad decision. I wanted people to see that there are other options."

The result is "When Nothing Matters Anymore," (Free Spirit Publishing, $14) Cobain's new book written and aimed at teens who may be clinically depressed, suffer from mental illness or are suicidal.

The book is easy reading but full of medical information, meant to help teens figure out if their normal adolescent troubles have progressed to disorders that can be medically treated and encourage them to seek help. Studies estimate that as many as 2 million teens in the U.S. suffer from some type of depression.

But perhaps more effectively, the book focuses on Puget Sound teens who have grappled with depression. Cobain hopes teens will connect better with other teens' stories.

"The whole point was to say, `Look, there are other people like you,' " Cobain said last week at her lakefront home near Bremerton. "I hope a kid will pick it up and say, `There I am.' If they can relate to the other teens they'll want to know how to do something to feel better."

Teens featured in the book said they were eager to contribute when they heard Cobain's approach.

"I wish someone would have handed me a book like that," said Tyler, a Seattle 17-year-old who tells in the book of his own struggle with depression.

Cobain grants that some might criticize her for using her last name to sell books. But she's comfortable with that.

"I'm not getting rich off this book, but I don't care because that's not why I wrote it," she said. "I wrote this book to help teens."

Ian Ith's e-mail address is: iith@seattletimes.com

----------- Book coming -----------

"When Nothing Matters Anymore" is due in bookstores within the next month. It also is available directly from Free Spirit Publishing at 800-735-7323 or online at www.freespirit.com.

----------------------------------------

Several young people tell their stories of teen depression in "When Nothing Matters Anymore," a self-help book for teens by Bev Cobain, a psychiatric nurse and cousin of Kurt Cobain. Here are some of them. As in the book, only first names and photos are used.

David, now a 20-year-old college student from Poulsbo, takes medication and sees a therapist to deal with major depression, brought on by a lifetime of brutal teasing and mistreatment from schoolmates because of his weight.

"I became so afraid of going to school that even when no one bullied me, I was filled with panic. . . .I cried all the way to school each day. I pretty much stayed in the library all the time. I was escaping instead of learning to cope.

". . . Today I'm the same nice, large guy that I've always been - minus the tears, anxiety and depression. . . . I still have to deal with things just like everyone else does, but now I don't struggle under the shadow of depression."

Heather, 15, from Poulsbo, represented the Suquamish Indian Tribe a few years ago as Miss Chief Seattle Days. Heather's mother is white, and Heather has fair skin and red hair. Now diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she struggles to find a cultural identity. She aspires to be a journalist and has won awards for video production.

"While representing my tribe at the Salmon Homecoming Pow-wow, a photographer for a major Seattle newspaper wanted to take a picture of some of the princesses but he said to me, `Not you, you're not Indian.' That hurt so much.

" . . . Following a suicide attempt, I began seeing my present therapist. . . . She's also helping me deal with my feelings of not belonging anywhere. I'm learning to be proud of both parts of me, white and Indian.

". . . You don't really want to die - you want a way out of feeling alone. You can learn ways to cope with your `hurts.' "

Heidi, a 17-year-old high-school graduate from Renton, fights both epilepsy and depression. She says trouble at home led to drinking and having sex with a man while she was still in middle school. At age 14, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now she sees a counselor and is looking forward to community college this fall.

"(My counselor) told me about a job at the Center for Wooden Boats, where kids were involved in a boat-building project. . . . I thought the idea of building a boat was kind of corny, but it was a way to make money.

". . .Over the next six weeks of instructions, laughter, tears, frustration and wonder, a beautiful boat arose amid the scraps and dust. . . . I became aware of a second miracle that day: I felt wonderful. I felt magnificent. I felt good about myself for what seemed like the first time in my life. . . .I think that the whole time I was doing my part to build a strong new boat, I was also building a stronger, more confident me."

On the surface, Ryland, now 18, was a popular and active student. Underneath, he grappled with severe depression. When he was a senior at a Seattle high school, Ryland jumped from a bridge; he survived the fall. His mother tells the story for the book.

"Later that night, there was a knock at the front door. I opened it and two policemen stood on the steps. I knew instantly that something terrible had happened. . . . For the next four months, Ryland was in a coma.

". . .Today, Ryland communicates by poking a computer keyboard with one finger; a synthesized `voice' then speaks from a box. He's in a wheelchair and can't walk, and he eats pureed food. He needs help to go to the bathroom, bathe and dress.

"With time and work, Ryland has developed his thinking skills enough to be aware of his situation. Sometimes he still feels depressed, but other times he talks about going to college, getting married and having children. We take it a day at a time."

At the time she was interviewed for the book, Shaneeka, now 17, suffered from major depression. She joined a gang at age 12 and started abusing drugs and alcohol. After starting anti-depressant medication, the Seattle teen said she quit that life and went back to school. She hopes to become a veterinarian.

"Those were hard choices, but I went through with them. . . . I still feel sad sometimes, and I have angry outbursts every now and then, but I can handle things.

". . . When I feel down or have a problem, I talk to my grandmother or some of my other relatives. I'm learning to make better decisions.

". . .Maybe you've made mistakes. You can't change what you've done in the past, but you can make a good future for yourself. Take it one step at a time."

In addition to seeing a counselor, Tyler, 17, of Seattle, has developed his own therapy he calls "Leaking."

"I've learned to deal with pressure by putting the `inside' things out there instead of holding them in until I just fly into a rage. It's like letting the air out of a raft. I'm constantly leaking air out of the valve - I keep just the right amount of air in the raft to keep it afloat, but not enough to burst it.

". . . When I was depressed, I would let myself think about how I was messing up in school and other things, and I'd just crumple up into a ball on my bed. My insides would churn and squirm. . . .

"Taking the trash out was a leak - I stomped it down into the can. My other leaks are listening to music, painting, drawing, writing and turning my bedroom into a work of art. . . . All of this is working for me.

"The new emerging me, the me right now, is very mellow. I don't have blasting anger, and I don't feel depressed."