Happy Stepfamilies Don't Happen Overnight

You've heard the bleak statistics about second marriages and stepfamilies.

By the year 2007, stepfamilies will outnumber nuclear families. Subsequent marriages have a higher failure rate than original ones. Kids in stepfamilies are more likely than those in nuclear units to have problems (20 percent compared to 10 percent).

In other words, when Mom or Dad remarries, it's not the Brady Bunch.

But there's also good news, says a psychologist who studied 200 stepfamilies. He's James Bray, co-author with John Kelly of "Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade" (Broadway, $25).

"We found that a large majority of kids - 70 to 80 percent - do just as well in stepfamilies as nuclear families," says the Houston father, whose children now have a stepdad.

Stable, happy stepfamilies can help heal the scars of divorce. They enable kids to see adults relating well, providing a model for resolving conflict. And they teach children how to get along with different types of people, Bray found.

But it doesn't happen overnight.

The first year or two is the toughest time, the researcher says - and anybody in a stepfamily can validate that.

Children often have to move, changing schools and making new friends. The stepparent has to get to know the kids, and vice versa. The new spouses must work at parenting together.

"It's like merging two cultures," Bray says.

He found that remarriage is easiest when children are very young and toughest when kids are ages 10-14. That's because they're trying to move beyond the family, Bray notes. They're sensitive about sexuality and don't like to see a parent romancing. And they don't necessarily want the active parenting a stepparent may be eager to provide.

Four major problems exist in stepfamilies during the first year or so:

-- The stepparent tries to discipline, which doesn't work until you've established a relationship with the child. You do that by being involved in interests and activities the child enjoys. Like other stepfamily experts, Bray urges the original parent to do the disciplining at first.

-- The couple are so busy with parenting, the marriage isn't nurtured. Some even take the children on the honeymoon - a big mistake.

-- The couple have difficulty coping with changes they can't control. Say husband and wife are looking forward to being alone next weekend, but the other parent calls at the last minute and cancels taking the kids. The new spouse may get angry, and both may take it out on the children. Successful families have backup plans.

-- Difficulties dealing with what Bray calls the non-residential parent. When the stepfamily is succeeding, a child knows he has three or four adults who love him. But when people don't get along, the child is sandwiched in the middle. He sees criticism of his other parent as attacks on him, because he is half that parent.

Over time, Bray discovered, stepfamilies coalesce into three different types:

-- Neo-traditional: Both adults want a family life and are able to deal with the changes, stresses and parenting. After three or four years, they look a lot like nuclear families. This type works best.

-- Matriarchal: Mom has custody and is used to managing by herself; Stepdad married her, not because he particularly wanted to be a father. She runs the family, and the stepdad is kind of just there (he may ignore the kids or do some fun things occasionally). This method can work pretty well, except when the mother wants help and he doesn't want to give it. Or when he decides to become involved (often after they have a baby together) and she feels her turf has been invaded.

-- Romantic: These adults married with high but unrealistic expectations. They try to create "instant family" and don't understand why it doesn't work. They have a hard time discussing those expectations, can't really hear their children's complaints and don't understand that this situation is different. These two are most likely to divorce.

Successful stepfamilies have no fewer problems, but they're able to cope (and age, education, etc. have no bearing on that ability). They develop a common ground, instead of making the stepparent feel like the continual outsider.

Successful stepparents understand that a child's responses are often directed at them but aren't about them. These stepparents know that when their spouses' kids come to visit, they want to spend time with their parent, not as part of "a new happy family."

Bray advises couples embarking on a subsequent marriage with children to discuss their expectations. Expect to compromise. Spend time getting to know the kids before acting like a parent. Don't take things personally.

"And remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. The initial stress period drops off after a year or two," he said.