`Dirty Work': Macdonald Is Down In The Dumpster

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X "Dirty Work," starring Norm Macdonald, Artie Lange, Jack Warden, Chevy Chase and Christopher McDonald. Directed by Bob Saget, from a script by Frank Sebastiano, Fred Wolf and Norm McDonald. 82 minutes. Several theaters. Rated PG-13 for adult humor, situations and language.

Note to Norm Macdonald: Stop trying to extend your 15 minutes by loudly slamming NBC execs for your "Saturday Night Live" firing. Face it, you were booted because you're not funny anymore, and your new movie "Dirty Work" makes that loud and clear.

Granted, this disaster isn't entirely your fault; "Dirty Work" is directed by another talent-free comedian, ousted "America's Funniest Home Videos" host Bob Saget. Frankly, you should have known better.

Your strengths aren't in the writing field, either, Norm. It says you penned this debacle with the help of Frank Sebastiano and Fred Wolf, but the dialogue is so insipid, the jokes so sophomoric, one gets the feeling Saget called in a favor to the Olsen twins on a day the pair were feeling particularly naughty.

And learn how to act! We know your deadpan routine made you famous, but this movie shows your shtick to be less invention than necessity. It's painful to watch you play Mitch, a character who, like you, is scraping bottom.

If only the film had stuck with the child version of Mitch (Bradley Reid) and his best buddy Sam (Joseph Sicilia), who compensated for their wimpiness by using their brains to get even with bullies; the kids couldn't act, either, but at least their nontalent was cute.

Fast-forward to the adult Mitch, still a loser. When Sam's (Artie Lange) dad, Pops (Jack Warden), has a heart attack, the pals learn he needs a transplant. Fortunately, Pops' crooked cardiologist (Chevy Chase) is in deep with a bookie. He tells the boys he'll get Pops a new heart if they can come up with $50,000 in two weeks. Oh, and Pops tells Mitch he's also his father, providing a sordid locket photo of Mitch's conception as proof!

Anyway, the boys form a lucrative revenge business, doing a depilatory job on a bearded lady (Rebecca Romijn), arranging for prostitutes to play dead in the trunks of used cars to embarrass an evil salesman, and making jokes that bank on audiences laughing at the words "hooker" and "whore." When a rotten businessman (Christopher McDonald) tries to beat the pranksters-for-hire at their own game, they bring out the big guns: skunks, the late Chris Farley, experimental brownies and a huge horde of - what else? - hookers.

Norm, don't you know that prostitution is the last sign of desperation? The only thing more shameful in this film is Gary Coleman's self-debasement as a figment of a hallucination - rounding out this galaxy of failed comic stars!

There's only so many times we can laugh at watching you fly out of buildings on your face, getting yourself tossed into Dumpsters, or recording one of those endlessly annoying notes to yourself. That's fine if you're featured in a five-minute skit on a weekly show. You ruined that gig, Norm, and by inflicting "Dirty Work" on us, you only make us wish you'd go away all the more quickly.