Oh, Henny: Take These Jokes, Please

Many years ago, Henny Youngman was nice enough to return my phone call. I needed some one-liners for a column, and who better to ask?

As fast I could type, Henny kept rattling them off. True, maybe analyzed individually, his one-liners weren't exactly award-winning. But with Henny, there was the cumulative effect. If one didn't work, it didn't matter. Five seconds later there'd be another punch line:

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"She's been married so many times, she has rice marks on her face."

"I'm now making a Jewish porno film: 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt."

Youngman helped me out. So, as a tribute to Henny, an American original who died this week at age 91, I asked a number of Seattle-area comics to contribute some one-liners.

By the way, the photo accompanying today's column shows Henny when he played at Bumbershoot in 1982. Laura Crocker, the woman on the right, now produces comedy shows. Then, she was assigned to escort Henny. She remembers him as a nice guy, although maybe a little too friendly with young women.

When taking him back to the hotel, Crocker made sure to say goodbye at the elevator, not at his room door. I don't know if Henny, then 75, would have tried anything but another one-liner: "This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."

Here are the jokes, including the one that a number of the

comics thought up: "Henny, you're gone because God misheard you. He thought you said, `Take my life, please.' "

From Ron Reid, manager of The Comedy Underground:

"The other night I was making love to my wife. I said, `Honey, what's wrong?' She said, `Nothing, why do you ask?' I said, `You moved.' "

"My wife is a terrible driver. I said, `Why'd you hit that guy? I said give him the right of way. She said, `Oh. I thought you said give it to him right away.' "

From Jerry Percio:

"My son kept trying to electrocute himself. Finally, I said, `That's it, buster, you're grounded.' "

"Recently a congressman and a congresswoman got married. That's a scary thought. Congress now is in-breeding."

"Remember the old days, when an `outing' meant going golfing?"

From Alfredo Tryferis:

"I'm an agnostic. I begin all my prayers with, `To whom it may concern . . .' "

"I called the FBI to see if they're keeping a file on me . . . and now they're keeping a file on me."

From Geoff Young:

"What's white and gold and green all over? A Canadian snowboarder."

"What do you call a manic-depressive who hates California? El Nino."

From Rod Long:

"Six Canadian beers, and an American is ready to go grizzly hunting with a stick."

From Brad Upton:

"Bill Gates is worth $40 billion. Do you think he ever comes home after a long, hard day at work and says, `Man, I feel like a million bucks?' "

"The restaurant chain `Hooters' sponsors a race car. What do you suppose the air bags are like in that car?"

"Ellensburg is actually an old Native American word that means, `Stop and pee here.' "

From Michelle Beaudry (she was administrative director of Bumbershoot in 1982, and is the other woman in the photo with today's column) in her book, "200 Tips for the Millennium - Just Because It's the End of the World Doesn't Mean We Can't Have a Good Time":

"Take comfort in knowing anorexic fashion models will starve to death first."

From Carl Warmenhoven:

"A guy goes to a psychiatrist's office and says, `Doc, you gotta help me, I think I'm a dog.' The psychiatrist says, `Well, until we're sure, stay off the couch.' "

Thanks much to all the local comics who helped out.

Oh, all right, one last one-liner from the Henny Youngman archives:

"Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guy says, `Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, `Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.' "

Yes, I do believe that was a drum roll you just heard.