What's In A Name? Well, Potential For A `Lard' Rhyme

My No. 1 goal for this year is to become a household name, which is why I have begun proceedings to have my name legally changed to "All Tempa-Cheer."

It's not the first time I have contemplated a change - understandable, having grown up with a name like Swallow. And yes, by the way, that is my real name. Like the bird, not the verb, thank you.

Of course, now that I'm a grown-up, the name doesn't bother me so much. As the great William "Don't don't you dare call me Billy" Shakespeare wrote: "What's in a name?" Well, usually vowels and consonants. And it is the way in which those vowels and consonants are arranged that determines whether a child can look forward to a life of torment and ridicule.

Oftentimes we kids with the goofy names weren't even aware of the fact until we went off to school. Then, on the very first day, we found out, thanks to a humiliating little thing known as roll call. During this procedure, you could actually see some children shrink. You see, the problem with roll call was that the teacher was reading directly from the official school record, which included each child's full, legal name. Just like that, Genes became Eugenes, Eddies became Edwins, Lees became Leroys and, as in my case, Gerrys became Gerards.

Most teachers were sympathetic to those of us with goofy names. They would say, "Now, Gerard, what do like to be called?"

"Yeah, as if it matters now. Now that everyone knows my real name, I don't imagine I'll be answering to anything but `Gerard Gerard the tub of lard' for the next five to seven years." Believe me, if there's anything kids love more than a goofy name, it's a goofy name that rhymes with "tub of lard." So you can see how I might have developed a slight dislike for my name.

Some people actually hate their first names so much they use only the initial in conjunction with their middle name. People like F. Lee Bailey. I'm sorry, but these folks aren't fooling anyone. We all know they're hiding something.

"Hi, there, I'm C. Everett Koop."

"Yeah? Well, nice to meet you, Clancy. Or is it Cornelius, perhaps?"

And long before G. Gordon Liddy was involved in the Watergate cover-up, you can bet he was busy covering up a Gomer, a Gilbert or, quite possibly, a Gerard.

Now the young Gerards and Gilberts of today no longer have to hide behind a first initial. These days it's considered cool to have a name that stands out. Therefore, conventional names are being cast aside in favor of a new wave of originals. The Bible, once the main source for names, has been replaced by the atlas. Today, kids are far less likely to be named after a saint then they are a place. Names like Dakota, Montana, India and Chad are all the rage. Of course, some places make better names than others, which is why you still see very few children named West Virginia or Swaziland.

Still, another way today's parents prevent their children from becoming just another Joe is by spelling it "Jough." While 20 years ago you might have been arrested for child abuse, today it is quite acceptable to name your kid Jough, Jymn or Kevvyn. And why not? A roaze by any other spelling would smell as sweet.

But if things have changed since my childhood, consider how much they have changed since my dad was a kid. Back then, it didn't matter what your parents named you because everybody had a nickname: "Lefty" Dufrain, because he was left-handed; "Stretch" Tolliver, because he was 6-foot-4; "Rusty" Malone, because he had a metal plate in his head - and, apparently, not a very good one. My dad went by the nickname "Red" because of his fiery red hair. (Or at least that's what he would testify before the House un-American Activities Committee in 1952.)

So I guess when you get right down to it, Shakespeare was right. What's in a name? Or as my dad, the great "Red" Swallow, would say: "You can call me anything you like; just don't call me collect."