When Did Kareem Put A Patent On Name?

Like a lot of us, I was wondering the other day whatever happened to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Now that the sky hook is in mothballs, I wondered what he was doing with his life.

And then the story crawled across my computer. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA Hall of Famer, was suing Karim Abdul-Jabbar, the Miami Dolphin running back, because, I guess, Kareem believed there can be only one Kareem, even if the other guy is named Karim.

So that's what Kareem's doing, I mused. He's protecting his name. Guarding it as if it were Bill Walton in the post in the late 1970s. Here was Kareem being defensive. Funny, I don't think people remember him for his defense.

But now it appeared he was playing rough with Karim. He wanted to make sure that, when sports fans heard the name Kareem, they thought of a sky hook, not a 10-yard run off tackle.

The nerve of Karim. Of all the names to take, why did he choose this one? Who does he think he is? Kareem?

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Kareem's right. What's in a name? Everything.

Your name is the title page of your history. I mean, if somebody can take your name, what's next? Your car? Your dog? Your, gulp, newspaper column?

I rushed to the Seattle telephone directory and discovered there were four more Steve Kelleys and another four Steve Kellys.

Eight guys running around Seattle calling themselves Steve Kelley or Kelly. Eight guys using my name.

Kelley. Kelly. Kareem. Karim. It's all the same. You say potato. I say, well you get the idea.

The nerve of these Steve Kelleys and Steve Kellys. Not even a phone call. No warning that they were using my name. I felt blindsided, like Warren Moon on fourth down against Kansas City.

In Tacoma, there even is a guy named Steve Kelley who is an attorney.

Shouldn't he know better? What was he doing trading off my name? Trying to make clients think I was a columnist/attorney? Kind of the Kordell Stewart of the professional world.

I called this Steve Kelley and demanded he change his name. It was a matter of pride.

And it was a mistake.

"You think I get clients because I use your name?" Kelley asked when he returned my call. "I got news for you. I've been thinking about changing my name to something less offensive, like George Steinbrenner or Frank Gifford.

"I mean, I spend the first five minutes with clients explaining to them that I'm not the guy who made all of those bad Super Bowl predictions.

"No, that wasn't me who said the Sonics couldn't beat Dallas in the 1987 playoffs. No, I wasn't the guy who predicted Sonic victories in the 1994 playoffs with Denver or the next year with the Lakers.

"I mean, if I'm going to use somebody's name, I'm going to use Perry Mason's, or at least Jim Murray's.

"You know, I tried using your name once. I foolishly thought I might get a better table at Palisades. Ha! They set up a card table in the cloakroom. The wine steward brought me a bottle of Ripple.

"Let me tell you a story. I was in closing arguments one day, addressing the jury. I was on a roll, just wishing Court TV had been watching me. I mean, I was Corbin Bernsen on `L.A. Law.' Johnnie Cochran had nothing on me.

"Then I looked up and one of the jurors was raising his hand. `Are you the guy who predicted Michigan would beat Washington in the 1992 Rose Bowl?' he asked. All of my momentum was gone. Johnnie Cochran? I wasn't even Marcia Clark. You think I won that case?

"By the way, do me a favor. Write a column predicting another Michigan win in this Rose Bowl. I think that would clinch it for the Cougars. As a matter of fact, why don't you change your name. Try Kreskin. Or Lee Corso."

This Steve Kelley was right. It's not like your name is a movie script that can't be copied.

Karim has committed no crime. Karim isn't Kareem. The running back is not the sky hooker. The name belongs to no one.

And, yeah, why can't Washington State win the Rose Bowl?

You can contact Steve Kelley by voice mail at 464-2176.