Love Me (Legal) Tender: How Elvis Would Be Marketed Now

A few memos that might be written if Elvis were a 20-year-old in 1997:

To: Phil Knight, CEO and Chairman of the Board, Nike

From: Nike Advertising Action Team

Phil, let's just do it! We need to lock this kid Elvis Presley into an exclusive Nike contract! Elvis is all they're talking about in our teen focus groups.

They not only think his music is "way cool," but the teen market likes Presley's "attitude." Especially girls! We think that Presley's stage sneer fits perfectly with Nike's street-smart advertising. We believe a tie-in with the Elvis sneer can increase our share with the young female adolescent target market by at least 5 million units annually.

FYI: For some reason, Presley likes to go onstage wearing blue suede shoes. If we sign him right now, his manager, a guy who calls himself "Colonel," says that Elvis will start wearing our Nikes. The Colonel is willing to have Elvis sign for cheap, maybe $5 million for a lifetime sneakers contract. Phil, let's just do it!!!

To: All Supercuts franchises

From: Supercuts corporate headquarters

Concerning: Problems with the "Elvis" hair-styling look

In recent months, you may have had male teen customers bringing in pictures they downloaded from the Internet of a pop singer named Elvis Presley, asking that you make them look like this individual.

A number of you have reported problems in trying to emulate Mr. Presley's hair style - especially in achieving that shiny, slick look.

Supercuts recently did intensive experimentation at a shopping mall in which 100 teen boys volunteered to receive "Elviscuts." After testing everything from Crisco to WD-40, we're recommending Alberto VO5 to obtain the desired effect.

We realize most of you are familiar only with the Paul Mitchell hair-care line. VO5 is a "retro" hair-care product that still can be found in select outlets, usually in the bottom shelves of drug stores in neighborhoods in which retirees live.

We here at Supercuts believe the "Elviscut" will be a dynamic new marketing opportunity. Let's "shake, rattle and roll" before Hair Masters jumps on the bandwagon!

To: Mr. President

From: White House Chief of Staff Erskine B. Bowles

Mr. President, I believe that if can get more "Generation Xers" to become interested in the Democratic Party, we have a good chance of taking back control of the House in the next election.

It's come to my attention that a Mr. Elvis Presley is becoming a youth cult hero. All young staffers here are big fans. Even Chelsea.

Mr. Presley has expressed an interest in visiting the White House. He'd like to give you as gifts a selection of his personal martial-arts nunchaku sticks. In turn, he'd like to be made an honorary FBI agent and maybe take part in busting a drug lord.

The request is a bit unusual, but let's give this one serious consideration, Mr. President. This could be a win-win photo-op. Maybe we time it to coincide with the next judge's ruling on Paula Jones?

From: B. Gates

To: Microsoft Internet Management

Just scanned an item in PC Magazine about a bunch of Web sites now being created on this Elvis Presley thing. I mean, really a lot of sites. Something's going on and I don't know about it! Is this what I'm paying you people for!?

OK, 1) Somebody tell me in 50 words what is an Elvis Presley. 2) Do we need to worry about this Elvis Presley and our Internet plans? 3) Is it worth it for us to buy this Elvis Presley and market it under our Microsoft name? 4) If that's not possible, can we buy something close to this Elvis Presley, market the hell out of it even if it's not as good, and pulverize any potential Elvis Presley competition? I read that something called a Pat Boone does a kind of Elvis Presley.

I want some answers by midnight tonight and a contract announced with this Elvis Presley thing or this Pat Boone thing by tomorrow!

By the way, by tomorrow I also want our lawyers to copyright it so that only Microsoft can use "Elvis has left the building." Or do I have to do everything around here?

Erik Lacitis' column runs Sunday, Tuesday and Friday. His phone number is 206-464-2237. His e-mail address is: elac-new@seatimes.com