Xmas Shopping With Dave Barry -- Unique Gifts Sure To Provide A Chuckle To Recipients
Every year, Dave Barry, of columnist fame, churns out his list of Christmas presents, which, by the time you're finished reading, you either find idiotically inane or clutch to your breast as the last great hope for gifts of the future. Here's this year's list. You can decide for yourselves.
Power Pez dispenser
$5.95 plus shipping and handling from Archie McPhee & Co., P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, WA. 98103-0852. Phone, (206) 745-0711; e-mail, mcphee@mcphee.com; World Wide Web, http://www.halcyon.com/mcphee/
There can be no argument about the fact that, when we list the greatest inventions of the human race, the top two are:
1. The wheel.
2. Pez.
And not necessarily in that order, either. Yes, the wheel is a useful tool for transportation, but you can't carry it around in a dispenser and eat it when you need a snack. Whereas you can do this with Pez, the amazing foodlike substance that can be used as either candy or an ingredient for concrete.
The only problem is the effort involved in getting the Pez out of the standard dispenser. You constantly hear people say, "I would enjoy Pez more often, but I cannot be bothered with the chore of manually flipping open the dispenser top." If you have such a person on your holiday gift list, then you need the Power Pez Dispenser. This is a battery-operated device that automatically rotates the Pez into position and ejects it in a semi-startling way (you have to be ready). This automated action saves the user's precious time for more important activities such as scratching.
Toilet paper hat
$19.95 plus shipping and handling from Brainstorms, 8221 Kimball, Skokie, Ill. 60076-2956. Phone, (800) 231-6000.
If you're like most people, you've spent much of your life in a fruitless search for a hat that both looks good AND can hold an entire roll of toilet paper.
Well, your search is over, because somebody - and we frankly do not want to know why - has combined a baseball cap and a toilet-paper holder into a uniquely functional headwear concept, one that makes the unmistakable fashion statement: "I have a roll of toilet paper on my head." A person wearing this hat can stride with confidence into any public restroom or guest bathroom, knowing that he or she is not going to get "caught short."
Cow manure clock
$40 plus shipping and handling from Donna Minor, 1720 13th Ave. SE, Medicine Hat, Alberta T1A 3P1, Canada. Phone, (403) 527-4879.
Sometimes, here at the Holiday Gift Guide Quality Testing Center, we get an item so unique that we can barely stay in the same room with it. That is definitely the case with this item, which is - and we swear we are not making this up - a clock made from cow droppings. And these are not just any cow droppings; these are Canadian cow droppings.
The cow-pie clock is the invention of a Canadian veterinarian, Tom Steele. His sister, Donna Minor, makes a limited number of the clocks each year by hand. According to an article in a newspaper called The Camrose Canadian, these clocks sell like hotcakes and have been featured on Canadian television. Steele is quoted as saying: "It's not hard to get into a conversation about them with people."
Dog-mounted video camera
Approximately $11,450 from Moran Security Support Services Limited, 47 Livingstone Rd., Hove, East Sussex, BN3 3WP, U.K. Phone, 011 44 (0) 1273 321631, fax 011 44 (0) 1273 208898. (Suggested by Cynthia Virtue of Mountain View, Calif.)
We have to admit that we here at the Gift Guide did not actually purchase this item, because it costs thousands of dollars and we are not clinically insane. But we definitely think you should buy it.
This is a camera that's mounted on the head of a dog and attached to an audio and video transmitter strapped to the dog's body; the transmitter broadcasts back to a receiver, so you can see and hear what the dog is seeing and hearing.
According to the manufacturer's brochure, the system - which is called the Wireless Operational Link & Video Exploration System, or WOLVES - is mainly intended for use with trained dogs, to provide surveillance in situations where it would be too dangerous to send in a human, such as a hostage-taking or building collapse. But we think it would be VERY cool to strap this unit on an ordinary, everyday pet dog, the kind that has a name like "Boomer" and an IQ somewhere around minus 45.
Think of the sights you'll see! For example, views of your front door, which your dog will stare at for hours on end in hopes that you'll open it up and let him back inside. Sometimes you'll get to see the camera jerk up and down violently for 45 minutes, accompanied by extremely loud barking, as your dog protects your house from some deadly danger such as the mail carrier, or a shrub that your dog has not noticed before. Whatever programming Boomer came up with would be at least as good as most daytime TV.
Giant electronic radar frog
$29.95 plus shipping and handling from S.A.M. Electronics, 2701 Belmont Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60618. Phone, (800) 684-1021. (Suggested by Judith Haynes of Hudgins, Va., and Bernadette and Tom Price of Mahopac, N.Y.)
Just when you think that modern technology has gone just about as far as it possibly can to benefit the human race, along comes an amazing breakthrough like this. This is a large plastic battery-powered frog that is equipped with a sensor in its mouth. When somebody moves in front of the frog, a speaker in the frog's stomach says, and this is a direct quote, "Ribbet."
The most obvious use for this item, of course, is security. Violent criminals are not going to mess around with any building that is protected by a plastic frog.
But security is only the beginning. The advertisement for the Giant Electronic Radar Frog also states that it also can be used for the following purposes:
-- "Home Conversation Pet"
-- "Companion to cats and dogs"
-- "Deskmate"
-- "Meeting or Party Delight"
We especially like the idea of using this item as a meeting delight. We are pretty sure that any person who brings a Giant Electronic Radar Frog to a meeting is going to catch the eye of those in authority. This is exactly how Lee Iacocca got started.
Hootie rake
(Suggested by Bobbie Naughton of Houston, Texas.)
We regret to say that you can't buy this item. We have one, which was graciously donated to the Gift Guide by Bobbie Naughton, but tragically the Hootie Rake is no longer being manufactured. We are hoping that, by including it in this year's guide, we will create a widespread consumer demand for the Hootie Rake, and it will once again be made available to the public, which truly needs this extremely useful tool.
What is a Hootie Rake, you ask? OK, we'll tell you. You know how, when you crack an egg into a bowl or frying pan, there is sometimes a gross little thing attached to the yolk via a cord? That thing, according to the literature that accompanied our Hootie Rake "is known in many parts of the world by many interesting names, i.e., Egg Hootie, Yolk Hinge, Wooger, Chinese Creeper, Egg Oyster, String Gloober, The Blob, The Abominable Clod Worm, Snow Booger, etc."
Whatever you call it, the Hootie Rake is designed to get rid of it; using your rake, you just pick the hootie off and throw it away, or save it for pranks.
Calling trophy moose video
$23.99 plus shipping and handling from S.I.R. Mail Order, 1385 Ellice Ave., Winnipeg, MB R3G 3N1, Canada. Phone (204) 788-4868 in Canada only, or (800) 265-6245.
If you're like most people, you have often shaken your head wistfully and said, "Think where I might be today if only I had studied moose calling!"
Well, now you can, and so can anybody on your holiday gift list, thanks to this fascinating instructional video. In it, top experts in the moose-calling field reveal their secrets as they tromp around the woods of northern British Columbia, which is a moose-infested part of Canada, which is a nation located near Seattle.
There are detailed instructions on how you can sound exactly like a professional moose, as well as actual video footage of actual moose standing around, looking vaguely confused, while the experts grunt at them.
Tape of roofing songs and stories
$10 plus shipping and handling from Don Ohman's Roofing Tunes, Box 327, Pasco, WA 99301. Fax (509) 545-4324. (Suggested by Peter Jefferson of Highlands, N.C.)
If you have a friend or loved one - And who doesn't? - who enjoys listening to songs and stories about roofing, this is the gift for that person.
"Please Pass the Asphalt" ("as advertised in Roofer Magazine") is a cassette tape performed by roofer Don Ohman Sr. and other professional roofers, some of whom sound as though they are pounding on actual roofing implements. As the promotional brochure states, "this 30-minute audio tape of remarkable, unusual roofing songs and stories deals with the trials and tribulations of the average roofer and roofing contractor." Here are some actual lyrics from one of the songs:
"Oh a roof's the most important part of your building
If it leaks it can create a real hell
But us roofers, we're here to solve that nasty problem
So go ahead and place us high upon a pedestal."
We here at the Gift Guide listened to this tape with our own personal ears, and we are not ashamed to say that we found our toe tapping to certain parts. We urge you to purchase this tape for anybody on your list who is tired of listening to the same old overplayed songs about roofers and roofing contractors.
Kitten flute
$24 plus shipping and handling from Whole Life Products, Pacific Spirit, 1334 Pacific Ave., Forest Grove, Ore. 97116. Phone, (800) 634-9057, fax (503) 357-1669.
The Kitten Flute is a real, working flute with holes on the kitten's back for your fingers, and a hole in another part of the kitten where you're supposed to put your mouth. We here at the Gift Guide were reluctant to do this, because we are frankly concerned about becoming yet another statistic in the raging epidemic of flute-transmitted diseases.
Nevertheless we think you should buy a whole mess of these and maybe even hold a Kitten Flute party, which has become all the rage among top Hollywood celebrities such as Brad Pitt and Michelle Pfeiffer, who are constantly calling up their friends and saying, "Want to come over and toot the tabby?" Also, more and more popular musical acts such as Barry Manilow and Kiss are featuring amplified Kitten Flute solos, after which wildly appreciative crowds hurl hair balls onto the stage. We have clearly run out of things to say about this item.
Cow brassiere
$40 plus shipping and handling from Nasco, 901 Janesville Ave., Fort Atkinson, Wis. 53538-0901. Phone, (800) 558-9595.
Did you ever see an item for sale that was so unusual that you just had to purchase it? This is one of those items. This is the "Let-Up" brand cow udder supporter, which according to the catalog description "eliminates congestion and caking, which causes broken down udders." The catalog further states: "With Let-Up, there are no smashed teats, self-sucking, or need of ointment."
We don't know about you, but here at the Holiday Gift Guide we happen to believe, as Americans, that this would be a far better nation in which to live if there was less need of ointment. That is why we think you should seriously consider purchasing the "Let-Up" udder supporter for everybody on your gift list who might have a use for it. And we do not believe that a person necessarily has to own a cow to benefit from this product. We think the "Let-Up" can also be used as a small hammock, as well as a mechanism for suspending potted plants. It has all kinds of straps coming out of it, so you could probably also use it as a restraining device, or for practical jokes involving people who have had a "few too many" and fallen asleep in parties or bars. Imagine the fun of watching a friend of yours, late at night, on the street, trying to explain to police officers why he was wearing nothing except an udder supporter! Ha ha!
So you definitely need this item. Please note that, because of the kind of high-class Gift Guide that we are, we managed to get all the way through this product discussion without once mentioning Dolly Parton. Thank you.
(Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. His column runs Mondays in The Seattle Times editorial pages.)