`Chindogu' Is Celebration Of Unuseless Inventions

It's Dan Papia's job to introduce the madness/art/religion of "chindogu" to America. That's a tall order for one man, and Papia dares not oversleep. So he keeps his alarm clock in a little cage with a combination lock next to his bed. He can't hit the snooze button. He must get up to unlock the cage.

Ingenious, no? Weird, yes? That's the idea of chindogu - a celebration of inventions that are designed to solve the mundane problems of life, but which ultimately cause more problems than they solve.

Chindogu is the Chaos Theory put to everyday use. Funny but subversive. Ordinary but surreal. Brilliant but boneheaded. Chindogu inventions achieve nobility by the spectacularness of their failures.

Remember the test-tube dinosaurs running amok in "Jurassic Park?" That's chindogu.

Dust mitts for cats

Fomented less than a decade ago in Japan, the chindogu movement is searching for a beachhead in the United States. You kind of hope it doesn't catch on in nuclear power plants.

But the membership roll of the U.S. Chapter of the International Chindogu Society currently has just one name on it - Papia's. "It's just me holding the fort," he says apologetically from his home in - this may not surprise you - Los Angeles.

But once word gets around, stand back. A book explaining chindogu - a Japanese word that means "strange tool" - is just out, called "101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions" (Norton, $10.95).

The unuselessness of these 101 innovations - which don't make life easier, only more pleasurable - boggles the mind. Consider the Duster Slippers for Cats: "With these dust-dislodging foot socks, cats can play their part in easing the pressure of domestic chores. Lazy cats are, of course, much less productive than excitable ones, but this problem may be overcome if you introduce a dog into the house."

They are all inventions that actually exist and work, but don't work as well as the inventor might have hoped. Practicality, in fact, disqualifies an invention from chindogu status. So do patents or even an actual sale of an invention.

Break from convention

Chindogu are tools for everyday life, but chindogu cannot be for real use." Those are two of the inscrutable `"0 Tenets of Chindogu," as defined by Tokyo's chindogu guru Kenji Kawakami, author of `"nuseless," which Papia, a devotee, has translated into English.

(The author is soggily pictured on Page 139 demonstrating "Hot Sake Bath Cup Holders." These are small flotation devices that "harness the heat of the bath" to warm sake.)

Other examples:

-- The Hay Fever Hat: A toilet-paper dispenser with a chin strap that can be worn on the head and holds a whole roll of tissue "to cope with heavy blowing and incessant sneezing from dawn till dusk."

-- Eye-Drop Funnel Glasses: Customized glasses with plastic funnels attached to the lenses, which "guarantee no-more-tears eye-drop application. You'll score a bull's-eye every time."

-- The Bath Body Suit: Plastic coveralls to wear in the bath. "No need to dry, talc up and redress. You can experience all the warmth, comfort and therapeutic relaxation of the bath without the wetness."

-- Ten-in-one Gardening Tool: Modeled after the Swiss Army knife, it combines two shovels, hoe, saw, pruning shears and several other garden implements in one "moderately" compact unit. "No more endless trips to and from the shed!"

-- Detachable Tooth Covers: Plastic gum coverings fitted with seven stainless steel artificial molars that enable the user to keep his or her teeth clean while eating. "For those who like to keep their Detachable Tooth Covers in pristine condition, we are now developing Detachable Tooth Cover Covers."

-- Housewife's Snooze Aid: An automated hand attached to an alarm clock, timed each morning to "give a cheery wave just as hubby puts his head round the door to announce his departure for work."

Although all 101 unuseless inventions were assembled and presented in catalog form in the book, none are for sale, which makes the book itself a chindogu.