Bumper-Sticker Expert Stalks Her Prey At Every Light

Swerving through traffic, Carol Gardner stalks her prey like some kind of freeway Marlin Perkins. An unsuspecting Volkswagen Beetle, isolated from the herd, lumbers up ahead.

Pulse quickening, Gardner zooms in for the kill, then abruptly calls off the pursuit.

"A Bug without a bumper sticker?" she gasps. "That's almost illegal."

She should know.

Gardner, 50, is a veritable bumper-sticker scholar. For nearly two years she has roamed the countryside - from a Mosquito Festival in Paisley, Ore., to the World Champion Cow Chip Throw in Beaver, Okla. - collecting information about America's fender philosophers.

On this day she's in Los Angeles, demonstrating her technique and plugging her new coffee-table book, "Bumper Sticker Wisdom - America's Pulpit Above the Tailpipe" (Beyond Words Publishing).

It's a collection of mini-interviews and photos that seeks to answer the question: Who are these people who plaster their cars with such messages as "So Many Pedestrians . . . So Little Time," "Single Mormon Seeks Several Spouses," "Happiness Is Seeing Your Boss's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton," "Ted Kennedy's Car Has Killed More People Than My Gun" and "Jesus Loves You, but Everyone Else Thinks You're an (Expletive)."

In conducting her research, Gardner flagged down drivers on freeways, staked them out in parking lots or ambushed their cars at red lights.

Her quarry included cowboys, nudists (who insisted on posing for a snapshot in the buff), mechanics, abortion foes, students, Elvis fanatics and a scientist who studies animal excrement and whose bumper message reads: "(Expletive) happens".

There also were political voices: "The Road to Hell Is Paved with Republicans" and "Clinton Doesn't Inhale, He Sucks."

To Gardner's surprise: "I found I really liked individuals with whom I strongly disagreed. . . . People may hold diametrically opposing views and still be good people."

Other discoveries:

-- VW Beetles are the most likely cars to have stickers. (Volvos run a close second.)

-- Santa Claus lives in Redmond, Ore. (Gardner ran across a dead ringer for the guy buying reindeer food at a ranch-supply store there. His sticker: "If Reindeer Really Can Fly, Our Windshields Are in Big Trouble.")

-- The cleverest messages are printed in all capital letters, with no illustrations.

-- Bumper decals can be hazardous. "A construction worker says he lost his job on a university site because of anti-gay stickers," Gardner writes. "And in Kentucky, the driver of a pickup truck with a rebel flag was killed in a racially motivated attack."

Usually the backlash is more lighthearted. Consider the ubiquitous "My Child Is an Honor Student at . . ." sticker. Gardner says the message has engendered several sendups. "My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student," sneers one. "My Son Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student," snorts another.

Additional sticker spoofs have targeted "Visualize World Peace" ("Visualize Whirled Peas" or "Visualize Using Your Turn Signal") and "Save the Whales" ("Save the Humans" or "To Hell With Whales - Save the Cowboy").

Gardner is already working on a sequel. At the back of her book is a toll-free number soliciting nominees for "Bumper Sticker Wisdom II."

Dressed in cowboy boots, denim and an oversized belt buckle she describes as "my satellite dish," Gardner recently visited Los Angeles to hunt for new material.

In Hollywood, she interviewed the bare-stomached owner of a "Support Your Local Belly Dancer" decal. At an auto-parts store, she ran down a teenager whose bumper sticker read: "Don't Laugh, Mister. Your Daughter Might Be in Here."

Back in Oregon, where Gardner works as a graphic designer, a more serious philosophy graces her car: "It's Bad Enough Driving Sober. Don't Drive Drunk."

She affixed the sticker after interviewing a woman whose daughter had been killed by a drunken driver. (Gardner also plans to donate part of the book's proceeds to Mothers Against Drunk Driving.)

Still, her favorite bumper messages tend to be humorous: "I'm Pink, Therefore I'm Spam" and "Enjoy Life - This is Not a Rehearsal."

The book, too, is loaded with amusing slogans and quirky characters: "I Love Cats, They Taste Just Like Chicken," "0-55 mph in 11 Minutes" (on a 1962 Nash), "Win an All-Expense-Paid Trip to Nearest Motel! Ask Driver for Details."

Curiously missing from Gardner's report, however, is the Orlando Sentinel's disclosure that bumper-sticker believers who sight a car with an opposing view on the fender often maneuver their way in front of the misguided motorist to display their own stickers.

And then there's the matter of that classic bumper message: "If You See This Van A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'."

When asked for a comment, Gardner said: "I've never heard of it."