A Solo Trip For A Mom - Without Guilt

I recently took a trip without my daughter. And for the first time since she was born five years ago, I didn't pack along guilt about leaving her behind.

It's not that I travel that much without her. A couple of times a year, perhaps, for a couple days at a time. Once last year I was gone for a week on business.

Big deal. Fathers of young children do that all the time. Lots of other mothers travel without their kids. They seem to handle it just fine.

But whenever I left my daughter at home, I'd feel guilty. I'd miss her so much that once when I called home and heard her voice on the answering machine, I burst out crying.

She wasn't the problem. Sure, she missed me but she did fine when I was gone. She has a support system anyone would envy: a devoted working-at-home father, doting stepsisters, two sets of grandparents who live 10 minutes away and a best friend who lives across the back fence.

I was the problem. An over-focused mother with separation anxiety. A working mother toting along her guilt.

I've always known intellectually that feeling guilty didn't do me or my daughter any good. But I was still an emotional jello of guilt and worry.

Until now.

How'd I get over it? I realized, on a trip to Thailand and Hong Kong last month, how good it was for me to get out on my own and explore a new part of the world. To be free of my daily routines and travel on my own terms, not shaping a trip to a child's needs. To meet new people as an individual, not as a mother.

I came home with my emotional and mental batteries recharged. Almost a month later, the trip's afterglow endures. I'm more cheerful, more patient. That's good for me, and good for my family.

Out of a child's range

I was a wide-eyed Pollyanna throughout my trip to Thailand and Hong Kong. It was my first visit to both places and I was entranced by what I was saw - jungles, tribal villages, sea caves, street markets, one of the world's top hotels - and by the people I was meeting, from tribal headmen to cosmopolitan Thai families and Hong Kong businessmen.

It was a trip I couldn't have done with my daughter. It was too fast-paced and tiring for a child who likes her routines and needs 11 hours of sleep a night. And whose idea of a perfect trip is a warm beach with other kids.

I was lucky - I went to Asia on a working trip that also turned out to be a real pleasure. Not many parents have the time or money for such a getaway.

But every parent needs a break, especially mothers of young children who tend to bury themselves in their kids' needs. Traveling can give back a sense of self, and a sense of perspective.

The trip doesn't have to be exotic or luxurious (although that helps). Even a weekend getaway can be a receipe for success, as long as you mix in a few essential ingredients.

-- Go somewhere you don't normally go with your kids. That way you won't think of them so much.

-- Choose something that you love to do. A weekend of theater, grown-up movies and restaurants. Skiing. Partying. Visiting an old friend. Whatever makes you feel really good.

-- Go on your own or with a friend. Or join a tour. Don't go with your spouse or partner; that brings along too much of home. This is your time, not relationship time. If you're a single parent, persuade a relative or friend to take the kids or trade the childcare with another family. You, more than anyone, need the break.

A chance to share later

Although I left my daughter at home when I went to Asia, she's learning from my trip.

The first night I was back, so jet-lagged I could hardly talk, she crawled into bed with me and chirped, "So, Mom, how was Thailand?" I've been telling her about it ever since.

The other night, she was in her warm bubble bath. As I washed her hair, I started telling her about the kids who live in the hill-tribe villages in Northern Thailand. How they don't have any bathtubs, how they wash at an outside tap. How the water's always cold. How the moms rinse the kids' hair with a bowl of cold water. How the families just don't have the money for things like bathrooms and electricity and toys.

She stood up and insisted I rinse her hair with a bowl of cold water, "just like those kids." I did. She shrieked when it hit her. And plunged into the bath to warm up.

Ten minutes later, I came back to dry her off.

"You know, Mom" she said, shivering even in our warm bathroom, "I'd better take those kids some money so they can have hot water."

Perhaps travel is one of the best teachers - for all the family. Even when some stay at home. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Kristin Jackson's "Kidding Around" column on family travel appears on the first Sunday of each month. Write Kristin Jackson, Seattle Times, Travel Dept., P.O. Box 70, Seattle, WA 98111. E-mail: kjac-new@seatimes.com. Health resources

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