Homophones Popping Up All Over, Or Sew It Seams

The English language swarms with hundreds of homophones - words that are spelled differently, have different meanings, but sound more or less alike. They are mosquitoes attacking the body of our prose. Homophones have to be memorized. Any effort to control them by rule is likely to be feudal.

Futile, that is. That particular mosquito stung a reporter for the Amherst (N.Y.) Getzville Community News in a story about a meeting of the Amherst Town Board. A homeowner had tried to get the board to act on his request, but "it was a feudal attempt," he said.

Not even the largest and best-edited newspapers are immune. The Wall Street Journal carried an editorial in July on the manufacture of cement in Mexico. The editor was nothing if not informative. Cement, he explained, is "a powder finer in texture than flower."

In Cincinnati, a classified ad offered 8-foot white pines for sale, "bald and burlapped." In Las Vegas a columnist remarked that driving a taxi "isn't a job for the feint of heart." In Detroit a columnist identified a local politico as a "ward healer." A Georgia state senator had the same problem. He observed that "our elderly are not generally well-healed."

In Gettysburg, Pa., a couple of years ago, the Times carried a list of prizes awarded at the South Mountain Fair; among the winners was a champion bore and a champion yew. In Buffalo, a reporter quoted a Canadian visitor on international relations: "We have the largest unguarded boarder in the world."

Letters need an editor

The writers of letters to the editor often express themselves in remarkable ways. Writing to the Portland Oregonian, one fellow let the world know that "I like to play around with electronics, and I am a ferocious reader." Editors know the type. A contributor to a Pennsylvania newspaper offered sound advice in a political season: "Don't let demigods impose their mean-spirited notions on a gullible public." Or demagogues, either.

In Cincinnati a letter-writer had some harsh words for the press. A column by Mark Purdy provided an example of how the media "constantly undulate the citizenry with obnoxious hyperbole." It was a bum rap. We of the press may inundate, but undulate? Never.

In Denver, a feature writer turned out a wonderfully descriptive piece on the glittering lights of Las Vegas. Billions of sequencing impulses ignite millions of 30-watt bulbs, and the casino signs soar and osculate. Osculate? Oscillate, maybe?

There may be something about an "-ate" ending that throws writers off their stride. In North Carolina, the sheriff of Buncombe County said he had investigated a complaint of police misconduct but found no evidence "to collaborate the claims." The sheriff was looking for corroboration, not collaboration. Corroboration is often hard to come by.

It's exacerbating

In Washington state a couple of years ago, the editor of the Federal Way News opposed construction of a third runway at Sea-Tac Airport. The noise of jet planes already had deteriorated property values, and a third runway "will only exasperate the problem." Well, the nearby residents probably were exasperated, but the problem would be exacerbated. Or aggravated.

Homophones breed in all kinds of places. A year ago, persons born under the sign of Gemini had a message from an astrology column: "Your suspicions are aroused. Some discrete detective work may be in order." A good dictionary may be in order for the astrologer. He wanted "discreet," meaning unobtrusive.

In a summary of the week's action in "Days of Our Lives," viewers of the soap opera learned last year that "Stefano held John hostage in a dudgeon at Maison Blanche." John was probably in a dungeon, not a dudgeon, but he could have been in a dudgeon at that. A dudgeon is a fit of indignation. The word dates from the 16th century. For no reason I can think of, dudgeons are always high dudgeons. I have never met a low one.

In Charlotte, N.C., an employer advertised for someone who "speaks fluid French." The boss might have found his man in Charleston, S.C. There a reporter interviewed a businessman who is "affluent in several languages," which is much better than being effluent in several languages.

(Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate)