Columnist As Tasteless As A Certain Flier

It's not easy being a famous, beloved columnist. The world is a carnival of events and activities, and deciding which to write about can be an ordeal. Take this week's column, for example. I had two logical choices:

1. Worldwide Tensions Simmer As U.N. Celebrates 50th Anniversary. While ethnic violence still rages in Bosnia, while a shaky peace is still threatened by flare-ups in the Middle East, while war-crime tribunals convene in Rwanda and human-rights violations continue in China, leaders from 137 nations gathered in New York to see if the United Nations retains viability as a structure for global peace and understanding as it enters an uncertain middle age.

2. Airline Passenger Poops on Food Service Cart.

You can stop calling now, I think we've got a winner.

First-class passenger Gerard Finneran, 58, president of an investment banking company, allegedly got so drunk and abusive on a recent flight from Buenos Aires to New York, and so steamed that he would not be served additional drinks, that he climbed atop the food cart like an orangutan, dropped his pants, and . . .

Finneran then allegedly used the first-class linen napkins to, um, tidy up afterward. How's that for a coup de gross?

Hoo-boy, I'll bet the other passengers were ticked. Out of concern for possible contamination, the captain cut off all food and beverage service with four hours left in the flight.

How drunk was this guy?

STINKING drunk. Hahahahaha.

Actually, I don't care how drunk he was. How could someone do something like this? This guy is the president of an investment banking firm! He's 58. He works on Wall Street. I didn't think guys like that even mooned anybody. Can you imagine any worse news for a company than for its president to do this? Let me put it this way: They're even laughing at this around the water cooler at Tylenol!

I'm wondering how it went when the board of directors of his company asked President Finneran exactly what happened on that plane. I imagine he had a series of explanation strategies prepared.

-- "I have never even flown on an airplane. At the time of the alleged incident, I was practicing sand shots in my back yard."

-- "I have no recall of doing anything like this at this particular time. I suppose it's possible, in a theoretical sense, that I could have done this. But it doesn't sound like something I would have done."

I read a story about this incident, and a friend of Finneran was quoted saying, "It seems so out of character for him." Who the heck doesn't it seem out of character for?

I'm thinking ahead a few years, and Finneran is back in the investment game - maybe flying to Zurich for a meeting. Will the airlines put his picture up in every galley with a note: "Do Not Serve This Man a Drink. And, For Heaven's Sake, Do Not Let Him Near the Linens."

Some of us were talking about what would possibly be worse than being stuck in a plane with this guy for four hours, and somebody suggested, "Being in an elevator with him." But you could always get off at the next floor.

(Copyright 1995, Creators Syndicate Inc.)

Syndicated humor columnist Tony Kornheiser, who writes for The Washington Post, appears Sundays in the Scene section.